David exposes himself? (2 Samuel, Chapter 6)

Uzzah tries to keep the ark steady because the oxen shook it.  For this, God smites him.  From ldsseminary

2 Samuel, Chapter 6 - This is kind of a weird chapter.  It starts off with David gathering 30,000 Israelites and marching off with the Ark of the Covenant.  The ark was in a brand new cart and was driven by two individuals, Uzzah and Ahio.

At a particular part of the road, known as Nachon's Threshingfloor, the ark began to shake because of the oxen.  Uzzah tries to steady the ark so it doesn't fall and ZAP!  God kills him.  It says God killed Uzzah "for his error".  I guess the error may have been the placement of his hands?

King David started to fear the Ark of the Covenant, and didn't want to bring it into his city.  Instead, he left it at some guy named Obededom the Gittite.  Obededom actually capitalized off this, because in the three months that Obededom possessed the Ark, God blessed him and his family.

After hearing that Obededom was being blessed, David sent for the Ark to enter into the city of David.  To honor the entrance of the ark, David sacrificed "oxen and fatlings".  Fatlings!!!  I had to look that up in the dictionary.  A fatling is a young animal that was fattened for slaughter, perhaps similar to veal?

What happens next is even more bizarre.  Apparently, as the Ark is being brought into the city, David was dancing and I think his junk must have been hanging out!  Michal, the daughter of the previous King Saul, looked out the window and saw him.  Later, when she met David, she said, "How glorious was the king of Israel today, who uncovered himself today in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!"

David replies with what seems like a taunt, "God chose me before your father, and before all his house, to appoint me over all the people, over Israel, so I will dance and play before the Lord." 

His last retort before the end of the chapter, "I will be more vile than this, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou has spoken of, I will have them in honor."

Wow!

And then, for no apparent reason, the chapter ends like this:  Therefore, Michal the daughter of Saul had no child until the day of her death.  

A golden nugget found in a Las Vegas casino.  Does it look like a hemorrhoid?

Photo by Ken Lund, Creative Commons

Give unto God ... um ... golden images of your hemorrhoids? (1 Samuel, Chapter 6) - As I read through the Bible, I am continuously struck by the things that I missed the first time around!  This chapter did not disappoint me in weirdness.

The Philistines, in shock because so many died at the hands of the Israelite god Yahweh, wanted to get rid of the Ark of the Covenant.  They had also suffered mice and a particularly nasty case of hemorrhoids because of their capture of the Ark.  Sure, Yahweh helped them capture it, and oddly enough is punishing the ones He just helped out, but I never said the story was supposed to make sense.

Now, the Philistines just want to return the cursed thing, and so ask the terms in which to return it.  The Israelite representative suggests that the Philistines DO NOT return it empty!  Rather, they must cast five golden mice and five golden hemorrhoids.

Yes, that's right!  Part of the return policy is to cast images of the hemorrhoids that just afflicted them!  Wow, that's really rubbing their nose in their afflictions, isn't it!?!

Well, they do it!

Finally, to prove that it was indeed the Israelite god that is responsible for the deaths and the afflictions, the Philistines do one last investigative technique.  After putting the golden hemorrhoids and mice into the Ark, and having the Ark towed by two cows, the Philistines let the cows go.  If the cows go straight to a place called Bethshemeth, then indeed it was Yahweh's doing.  The cows do go to Bethshemeth.  Therefore, it was Yahweh's doing.  There's something fishy about that line of reasoning, and I'll leave that to you the reader to figure out.

When some farmers in Bethshemeth happen upon the Ark, they look inside and find the five hemorrhoids and five mice, and they send each piece of gold to surrounding cities.  However, because they looked into the Ark, Yahweh kills 50,000 people from Bethshemeth!  As the proverb goes, "Curiosity killed the cat."

So now, the men of Bethshemeth want to get rid of the Ark, and plot to give it to the nearby town of Kirjathjearim.

To be continued ...

Eli falls off his chair.  Image from Souljourner Blog.

Hebrews Suffer an Odd Defeat (1 Samuel Chapter 4) - In Chapter 4, the Israelites (or Hebrews) are at odds with the dreaded Philistines.  The Philistines were about to attack when they heard an immense shout come from the Israelite camp.  I guess the Ark of the Covenant had just come into the camp.

At first, the Philistines were intimidated by this sound that "shook the earth," but after some encouragement were persuaded into attacking the camp.  They succeeded in killing Eli's two sons.  Eli was the current judge who had been holding that position for 40 years.  The Philistines also took the Ark of the Covenant.

Later, when Eli was informed about the loss to the Philistines, and about the death of his sons, he was saddened.  But when he heard that the Ark of the Covenant had been taken too, he fell back in his chair (pictured) and broke his neck.

In memorial of these events, a woman who gave birth to a son shortly afterward named her son Ichabod, because the glory of Israel had been taken.

Yahweh's Strategy for Taking Down Jericho - Jericho was allegedly a city that was surrounded by great walls.  Back in the Bronze Age, the usual method of taking down walled cities was a long and drawn out siege.  Fortunately, the Israelites had the Creator of the Universe to help them take out the town of Jericho.

His strategy?  Seven Israelite priests will blow into ram's horns seven times a day and march around Jericho carrying the Ark of the Covenant, for seven days.  During the entire seven days, the Israelites are instructed to remain silent.  On the seventh day, after the last ram's horn was blown into, and the final lap around the city was made, every Israelite was to shout.  The walls would fall, and the Israelite army was instructed to descend upon the town and kill everyone. 

Everyone except for Rahab, of course. Remember her?  The hooker who hid the Israelite scouts?


How did the strategy work?  Well, according to the Book of Joshua, after seven days they sounded the horn, shouted, and sure enough, the walls fell and the Israelite army "utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword." (Joshua 6:21)


But hey.  That's politics, right?  It's about who you know, and Rahab had the hookups.


One interesting thing about Jericho is that it is a living contradiction.  Joshua said that anyone who tries to rebuild Jericho (Why?  What did they do that was so bad that they killed innocent people, too?) would pay for it with their eldest and youngest child and their descendents will be considered to be cursed by God.  But, Jericho is still around today, and considered to be the longest continuously occupied city. 

Above: The Gilgal Gardens in Salt Lake City.  Photo from 15 Bytes

Joshua Builds a Monument to the Israelites Crossing of the Jordan River - At the time that Joshua was written, there must have been some sort of monument, or a peculiar grouping of stones, in the Jordan River and also another set on the banks of it (or not too far from shore).

Those who saw the stones probably wondered where they came from.  I say this because the author writes that the stones "are still there unto this day."  (Joshua 4:4)  This suggests that the book was written well after the fact, and the chapter serves as an explanation for these peculiar stones.  By the way, the stones are no longer there.

But according to Joshua, the stones acted as a monument to the Israelites 'miraculous' crossing of the Jordan River.  The author even writes that this is the story that should be told to children who come later, asking pesky questions.

After this unusual ceremony and the Jordan River filled back up with water, 40,000 Israelite warriors assembled on the plains of Jericho.  Another monument was erected with 12 stones Joshua had taken with him.

Perhaps one interesting correlation with this story, is the story of Moses crossing the Red Sea.  Twice Yahweh assisted the Israelites with crossing a difficult body of water.  But the situations were completely opposite.  In Moses' time, the Israelites crossed a large sea and were fleeing an oppressing army; this time the Israelites were the ones on the warpath.

Yahweh Lies to Joshua (Chapter 3) - Chapter 3 is very similar in wording to the last chapters.  Yahweh once again promises Joshua, and Joshua reports in 3:10, "He (Yahweh, or God) will without fail drive out from before you the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Hivites, and the Perizzites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Jebusites"

In essence, this is a lie that will become obvious a few chapters later in the book. 

There is one miracle that occurs where the Israelites were able to cross the Jordan River without getting their feet wet.  This occurred during their march toward Jericho.

The Israelite priests holding the Ark of the Covenant to lead the column, until they got to the Jordan River.  the Israelites would then have to stand 2,000 cubits behind the ark, and make sure they had been properly cleaned prior to their march, etc.  As the water receded the priests holding the Ark stood in what was once the middle of the river, while the Israelites continued to the other side of the bank.

Image from Christa Wimmers

I imagine that any reasonable and rational Israelite, after reading the last chapters of Leviticus, would have said something like, "Whoa God, what is up with you?!?" And of course, he would've been met by silence, because it wasn't really God who wrote this stuff, but the priests and Israelite elites.

The last chapters of Leviticus, 25 through 27, paint God as if he's a sociopathic control freak, with a tinge of multiple personality disorder, and paranoid delusion. In Chapter 25, God's kind of a good guy. In Chapter 26, he morphs into a monster. And finally, in Chapter 27, He calms down - a little bit, but gives some rather awkward bits of information regarding the cash value of human life.

As I said, in Chapter 25, God's a half-decent guy. He gives a little bit of advice on real estate, how to treat your slaves, how to purchase your brother as a slave, and he even says some nice, though ironic, things. God almost sounds like Thomas Jefferson when he said, ""Proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof."

And like Thomas Jefferson, whom I admire, He was in the odd position of having to justify slavery.

Chapter 26 is where his personality sudden changes. He tells the Israelites, through the scribes who wrote this down, that if they follow his laws (stone nonbelievers, don't boil a kid in its mother's milk, don't eat crustaceans, etc.), then God will give them success. He promises to give them rain when rain is due, to be on their side when the Israelites go to war, to drive away "evil beasts", and to have bountiful harvests.

But.

But if the Israelites don't do this, if they have the audacity to go against Him and His covenant, God lists all the punishments He will put upon them. They be forced to under such hardship that they will have to eat their kids (Leviticus 26:29), at least the ones left over after their enemies and animals get to them first.

While this is going on, God will appoint over the Israelites terror, consumption, the burning ague that will consume their eyes and cause sorrow of heart.

Oh yea, my favorite threat is that 10 women will cook my bread. Hey, as long as they're hot chicks that would be awesome. But even if they were humongous 500 pounders and ugly - how is that a punishment? The men who wrote Leviticus must really hate it when women congregate in groups. Yea, they can be loud and they giggle alot, and say weird girly things - but it would seem to me that 10 women cooking my bread would be the least of my worries.

In Chapter 27, God discusses the value of a human life in terms of cash value. Any healthy male 20 to 60 years old is worth 50 shekels. Women are worth 30 shekels. Males aged 5 to 20 are worth 20 shekels, and females in the same age range are worth 10. Under 5, males are 5 shekels and females are 3. Over 60, males are 15 shekels, and women are 10. Absent are fetuses, which are worth nothing in Leviticus.

But there you have it, folks. Men are worth more than women. And in the words of a bumper sticker I often see, "God said it. I believe it. That settles it."

Just kidding, I don't believe this stuff at all. In fact, re-reading the Bible is making me REALLY not believe any of this stuff even more than I didn't believe it before. Does that make sense? But I wonder if my religious friends believe, at the very least, that men are worth more shekels than women. Do you?

Woohoo! I'm done with Leviticus!

Exodus ends with the building of the Tabernacle, a special, portable temple-ish structure that holds the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark is where Moses will store the stone tablets.

The final chapters of Exodus are a very long and detailed account on how the temple, the ark, the altar, and all the regalia that comes with them (i.e. curtains, statues, etc.), were made. The Israelites building it were following instructions laid out when Moses was speaking with God up on Mt. Sinai.

"And they set in it four rows of stones: the first row was a sardius, a topaz, and a carbuncle: this was the first row." That's how detailed they are, for the last five chapters.

Other than the building of the Tabernacle and Ark, I should point out some inconsistencies, as that is my role as a nonbeliever to do so.

Verse 37:1 says that a man named Bezeel builds the Ark of the Covenant, but later in Deuteronomy Moses says that he's the one that built it. Not a big deal, BUT it's just one more thing to add to the long list of inerrancies within the Bible.

Verse 38:26 seem to indicate that the Israelites numbered at a few million people. Such a number is ridiculous. Even the City of Rome, a few hundred years later, would only have 1 million people living in it at its height. And that's a city with irrigation and aquaducts, etc. The people who wrote Exodus are claiming that several million people that were living in the desert! I'm not sure if we should take that claim seriously.

Don't get me wrong, though. The Tabernacle is very significant to the Israelites. And thought we don't realize it yet; the Ark is F***ing awesome!

In later books of the Old Testament, we'll see how the Ark is like the Israelite's secret weapon. It shoots this light out, called the Shekinah, which obliterates armies like they're nothing.

As for the Tabernacle, when Yahweh is in it in the daytime, He appears as a cloud. And when He's in it at night, He appears as a pillar of fire. When Yahweh is present, the Israelites can resume their traveling. When He isn't there, the Israelites stay where they are and wait for Him to come back.

So, let's put this in perspective. Exodus tells us that there was a group of several million Israelites wandering around the desert, carrying around the Ark of Covenant, which looked like an anvil, with two cherubim statues, on a stretcher. The Ark probably felt like an anvil, too, to the people carrying it. The cherubim are not cute little baby angels, either. They're a mythical creature with four legs and wings. At least, that's what the Sumerians believed. And the Israelites are basically the Sumerians with a slightly different religion.

Meanwhile, a huge dark cloud would follow them through the desert. When the group would stop, they'd build up this portable temple, the dark cloud would settle on it, and as night came a huge pillar of fire would rise up from the Tabernacle area, in full view of everyone, probably for miles around.

These were people you didn't want to mess with. And this is one heck of a tall tale!