Jacob reunites with Esau

Encamped by the river, Jacob's arch-nemesis brother Esau approaches with 400 men. Jacob only has two concubines, two wives, and a bunch of children. But oddly, Esau isn't out for revenge. He's actually happy to see Jacob and they embrace each other. I'm not sure why he needed 400 men, though. Maybe for effect?

Jacob is happy that Esau likes him now. As Jacob gives Esau gifts, he tells Esau, "I have seen your face, as though I had seen the face of God."

That is a very strange thing to say, especially since Jacob HAS seen the face of God. Does this mean that God is red, hairy, beastman? Or maybe Jacob's a liar. He has lied a few times already.

Rape and Slaughter

Jacob's daughter Leah is goes out to see the countryside, performing the very odd task of "seeing the daughters of the land."

A man named Shechem, a prince of the land pounced upon her and basically raped her. He was apparently in love with her. He asks his father Hamor to "get me this damsel to wife." Basically, "Whoops, I just raped her, and now I want to marry her."

So Hamor went out to find Jacob so that he can arrange a marriage between Dinah and Shechem. Jacob and his sons had heard that Shechem was a rapist, though. Hamor comes with the jolly idea that each party should trade women with each other; like cattle. Rather than be up front with Hamor, Jacob lies and says that she can't marry Shechem because everyone is uncircumcised.

Hamor and Jacob hammer out a deal to have ALL the men in the city circumcised! Hamor and Shechem go back to the city and tell everyone, "Jacob and his family are peaceful people. Let them live and trade with us. We will take their daughters as wives, and give our daughters to them. The only catch is that all the men have to cut the tips of their penises off. But hey, free chicks!"

So basically, another pile of foreskins for the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. Yippee!

Then, when the men were "still sore" (OUCH!), two of Jacob's sons walk into the town and basically slaughter every man in the city, including King Hamor and Shechem. The rest of Jacob's sons then plunder the city, taking with them all the wives and children as captive.

Jacob isn't pleased with this. "Why the heck did you do THAT?!?" He basically said. "Now everyone's going to think we're hostile and band together against us!"

That was a fairly wise observation.

The brothers rationalized their slaughter by saying, "So we should've let him treat our sister like a whore?"

This gets behind the mentality of men back then. To these people, rape is not a crime against the woman; it's a crime against the man. This is the same morality that brought about Muslim honor killings. To contrast, in rape cases today, justice is upon the individual who committed the crime, not the people who live in proximity to the person. The response of Jacob's family was that the rape of Dinah was a crime against them and their family line.

Jacob renamed Israel, again ... and Jacob renames Bethel, again

Jacob, now with an army of women and children P.O.W.s, heads back to Bethel. He then confiscates their false gods, which they were holding in their hands (idols).

All the surrounding cities were scared of the sons of Jacob, and they did not want to pursue them. Along the way, God Himself appears to Jacob (He's a frequent visitor) and says that Jacob's name is no longer "Jacob," but Israel. Didn't we go over this before. Yes! After Jacob WRESTLED with GOD and WON! But for some reason, the name didn't stick, so God is renaming him again. Guess what? It still doesn't stick.

And when Jacob is in Bethel, he names it Bethel AGAIN, right before his wife Rachel dies. Isaac also dies, at the tender age of 180.

Day 10, A Love Story. I could've sworn that I've said that the Bible is the one of the most oddball collection of stories I've ever read. Right? Well, it continues with Jacob's trek to find a wife, and escape his hairy brother. It actually starts off as nice little love story.

Jacob makes it to his cousin's house, and finds that his cousin Rachel is simply to die for. He offers his uncle to work seven years in exchange for Rachel's hand in marriage. His uncle agrees, but after seven years he tricks Jacob. After seven years, Jacob says "Give me my wife, so we can do some humpin'."

His uncle gives him a different daughter, Leah, instead. But Jacob doesn't notice for some reason. In fact, he goes ahead and has sex with her and is surprised the next morning that it isn't Rachel.

What the heck is this guy smoking?!?

After finding out, he demands to have Rachel, and finally the uncle complies. Jacob then does the horizontal hokey-pokey with Rachel. God sees that Leah, who is now also married to Jacob, is hated, and so the Almighty Lord of the Universe opens Leah's womb and makes Rachel barren. This has happened three generations in a row. There's got to be some sort of significance to this, right?

Here's a weird thing about Jacob and Leah's relationship; Jacob supposedly hates her, but she winds up bearing FOUR SONS to him! That means that they've been having some angry sex, which is the kind of hatred we can all bear, I imagine.

The Baby-Making Contest

What follows is the oddest wife competition I've ever heard of. Rachel gets jealous of Leah for bearing four sons, so she passive-aggressively threatens Jacob by saying, "You better give me kids or I will die."

Jacob responds that it's not his fault that God made her that way.

Rachel then offers a slave-girl to Jacob to have sex with, and says that she will give birth on her behalf. Jacob naturally obliges, and the slave-girl eventually gives birth to two sons.

Leah then realizes that she isn't able to have kids anymore, and so she offers HER slave-girl to Jacob to give birth on her behalf. This slave-girl gives birth to two more sons!

Later, Leah is picking her son's mandrakes from the field and Rachel nonchalantly asks to trade the mandrakes for a night of hot sex with Jacob. Leah didn't refuse the offer, and when Jacob had sex with Leah, she was actually able to conceive again! Over the course of the next few years, she gives birth to two sons and a daughter. One friggin' girl out of this whole mess?!

God suddenly remembers Rachel, opens her womb up, and now Rachel FINALLY gives birth to her own son.

A Useless Magic Trick

This whole escapade is going on at Jacob's uncle's house, and Jacob, probably homesick, starts feeling like he wants to head back to his own country.

Before he does, Jacob does a useless and scientifically unlikely magic trick in order to gain a flock. This was probably useless because his uncle had grown fond of Jacob and was willing to give him anything he wanted. I'm not sure if I understand Jacob's thinking myself. Jacob gets rods from a green poplar tree, and paints white streaks in them. Then he lets goats, sheep, and cattle copulate in front of these rods, so that they would give birth to speckled, striped, and spotted offspring. Jacob then keeps the stronger of the offspring, and gives his uncle the weaker.

His uncle starts to not like Jacob at this point, and at this point God tells Jacob to leave.

Jacob Literally Wrestles With God

Jacob takes off with his two wives, two concubines, and a bunch of kids. After some final dealings with his angry uncle and some praise from God, or an angel, regarding his genetic magic trick, he's left in relative peace. It is now time to meet his brother Esau, who 20 years ago wanted to kill Jacob.

Esau, 20 years later, is still pissed off. That's one hell of a blood-feud, and raises an army of 400 at hearing of Jacob's return. Jacob in turn offers a gift of "200 she goats, 20 he-goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 30 milch camels with their colts, 40 kine, 10 bulls, 20 she-asses, and 10 foals."

The good old days, when people traded livestock!

Apparently, the gift appeased Esau enough to allow Jacob to send all his family and belongings across a creek, and Jacob was left alone for the night, until a man came out of nowhere and starts wrestling him! This man reveals himself to be the Almighty Lord of the Universe Himself! Jacob, a mere mortal, wrestles God and actually wins. God loses so bad against Jacob that He even dislocates His leg.

After Jacob defeats God in this wrestling match, God tells Jacob that his name is now Israel, for he wrestled against God and won. The Bible still refers to Jacob as "Jacob", though.

Holy crap! Jacob wrestles - WRESTLES - with the ALL-POWERFUL LORD OF THE UNIVERSE - and WINS!!! That's got to put a dent in the omnipotency theory.

Day 9, Chapter 26. Young Isaac is a chip off the old block. He pulls the same weird get-rich-quick scheme that his father did, and with the same guy; Abimelech, the king of Gerar.

God tells Isaac to go to Gerar, because He will make Isaac's seed "multiply as the stars of heaven." Isaac is quick to be sold to this idea. This is the Bible, and it's telling us about the interests of Bronze Age people. Again, we see how important it is for men to have a strong lineage. I suspect at the period of time that this was written, the Israelites didn't have a belief in the afterlife. Rather, their immortality came from their bloodlines.

Anyways, the men of Gerar find Isaac's wife Rebekah to be gorgeous, and Isaac, just like his dad Abraham, says that Rebekah is his sister. After awhile, Abimelech looks out the window and sees Isaac "sporting" with Rebekah. Abimelech catches on and says, "Man, why the F*CK did you lie to us about being married to her @$$HOLE!"

No, he didn't say that. But he should've. Hell. If I was Abimelech, I would have as well.

Abimelech then decrees that no man shall sleep with Isaac's wife, and if they try, they will surely be killed.

Isaac was probably already rich at this time, but what he gained from Abimelech was an element of security.

Later, after Isaac has matured as a businessman and landowner, God reappears to him and other people see that God was hanging out with Isaac, and so King Abimelech, a guy named Ahuzzath (who was Abimelech's friend), and the general of army of Gerar, come to Isaac and form an alliance of sorts. Who can blame them, after all? The friggin' LORD OF THE UNIVERSE is hanging out with Isaac, the guy they just kicked out of Gerar.

At the end of Chapter 26, Isaac and Rebekah's son Esau marries TWO Hittite women, Judith and Bashemath. Isaac and Rebekah are pissed off because their son actually had the gaul to marry a Hittite! The nerve of him. Wow, Hittites must've been pretty low back then.

Chapter 27. The oddest, craziest, most f***ed up thing happens in Chapter 27. Isaac is now an old, blind man, and asks his hairy son Esau to hunt some venison and bring it to him. Isaac tells Esau that when he comes back from the hunt, Esau will receive his "blessing." "Blessing" seems to refer the passing on of Isaac's inheritance.

A few chapters ago Esau gave up his birthright, which is apparently not the same thing as a blessing. I suppose a birthright just means some other sort of privilege (like being the favored son). Blessing is the actual passing of inheritance.

Rebekah overhears the conversation and while Esau is out doing his father's bidding, she sends the younger, smooth-skinned son Jacob to his father with freshly killed and prepared goats. Rebekah also disguises Jacob by making him put goat skin over his neck and hands. Jacob enters his father's room and tells him that he is Esau, and that the reason he came back so fast was that God gave the meat to him.

Isaac buys it! And oddly enough, God buys it too! Isaac hears Jacob's voice, but after touching his hands concludes that this is indeed Esau. He tells Jacob, "Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee: cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee."

As soon as Jacob leaves the room, Esau comes back, and is understandably pissed off that his dad gave the blessing to Jacob. Esau cries to his father, and says, "Don't you have at least one blessing for me?"

If I was Esau, I'd say something like, "Um dad, you're blind and you just blessed the wrong guy. Your OTHER son just tricked you."

Isaac then does something that is truly jacked up. He tells Esau his blessing, "You get to serve your little brother as his right-hand man."

Esau is pissed off and vows to kill his brother. Rebekah overhears this and sends Jacob away until Esau's anger wavers. And then racist Rebekah closes the chapter by hoping that Jacob doesn't marry one of those dirty Canaanites.

Chapter 28. Aside from more intolerance from Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob is also fleeing his brother Esau and has a vision of the ladder, known more popularly as "Jacob's Ladder."

At the top of the ladder is God, who promises Jacob, just like he promised Abraham and Isaac, that his seed will be like dust and that his people will be spread all over the Earth.

Man, this promise is said repeatedly by the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the Universe, and still has not been upheld to this very day!

He wakes up, pours oil on the stone that he was sleeping on, and calls the town "Bethel", although the town is called Luz.

First of all, who is Jacob to be naming other people's towns??? Most importantly, in this chapter Jacob names the town "Bethel" before he meets his future wife Rachel. Later on in Genesis, he names the town Bethel again just before Rachel dies. AND, the town has always been called Bethel, according to Genesis 12:8 and 13:3.

Okay, so I'm still upset about fundamentalists who believe these things are literally true; but I'm also a bit confused with the moderates and liberals who not only don't know what they believe, but they offer some sort of legitimacy to the fundamentalists.

Day 8, Chapter 23. Sarah finally dies at the tender old age of 127, a little bit over the age that God said he'd let live. I wonder if she was still hot?

Abraham, on the other hand, lives on to be 175 years old! The rest of Chapter 23 is Abraham bartering with some guy named Ephron over a field. Abe is thinking of using a cave on the field to bury Sarah and possibly use it as a family burial plot. Ephron actually offers the cave for free, but Abraham insists on buying it.

Chapter 24. In Chapter 24, Abraham is beginning to succumb to his age. He asks his head servant to bring Isaac to his old stomping grounds to find a woman to marry. And to make sure the servant does this, Abraham has the servant hold him "under his thigh" to give an oath. There is dispute on what this type of oath is all about. The most interesting is that the oath actually involved holding Abraham's testicles!

Imagine, a man holding the testicles of a 175-year-old man! It's an interesting oath. I'd probably have multiple females swearing this oath to me.

Anyways, the servant goes to a city called Nahor in Mesopotamia. He has interesting way of choosing Isaac's wife, too. He basically waits by a well and the first woman who lets him drink water, and gives water to his camels, will be the lucky girl.

I'm glad my parents didn't use this tactic for my wife. Actually, I'm glad my parents had very little say in who I was marrying.

The lucky girl is a young virgin (they make a big deal about this) named Rebekah. She was basically very hospitable. After asking if he could drink water, she says, "Sure! Here ya go!" And she offers food and water for the camels, too.

The servant is awestruck by her kindness and immediately starts worshipping God. That must've been awkward for Rebekah.

After telling Rebekah's brother about his experience and getting his permission, Abraham's servant returns home with Rebekah. The chapter ends with a touching moment when Isaac is in the field meditating. Isaac opens his eyes and sees the camels coming, and Rebekah sees him. "Who's the hottie?" she basically asks.

The servant says that is the man she's going to marry, and she immediately covers herself in a veil. Shortly afterward, they marry and consummate the marriage inside his parents' tent. Isaac also finally feels better after the death of his mother, because he got laid. Ah yes, the healing power of sex. Even the folks who wrote the Bible recognized its healing powers!

Chapter 25. But wait! Abraham takes ANOTHER WIFE!!! Her name is Keturah. A couple of chapters ago, it said he was succumbing to old age and now he's taking another wife? And guess what? Keturah gives birth to SIX KIDS! Imagine that. An approximately 175-year-old widower, find another wife and fathers SIX KIDS. He's most likely in the low-180s now, unless she had sextuplets.

Abraham finally dies, and leaves his estate to Isaac. To all the kids born from his many concubines, he gives them gifts and sends them away. Apparently, Sarah was the only one that had problems giving birth. Abraham humped quite a few chicks and it seems a lot of them had children; even sons. Unfortunately, they're never acknowledged and Isaac is said to be Abraham's "only son." Very strange customs, indeed.

Later, after some more family lineage stuff that I am glossing over, Rebekah (Isaac's wife) finds out she's pregnant. Apparently, she was barren, but with God's help she gives birth to two boys; Esau and Jacob. When Esau was born, he "first came out red, all over like a hairy garment." I'm guessing that he had a lot of red hair all over his body? And then came Jacob, who was holding Esau's heel.

God didn't like poor Esau. Isaac did, because Esau was a great hunter, and Isaac enjoyed the venison he caught. But God HATED Esau! Wow. That's pretty strange, and there's no reason given as to why he hated him, either. He created Esau, and He hates him. The ultimate Catch-22.

The chapter ends with Jacob tricking Esau to sell his birthright (because Esau was slightly older). Esau came from the field and was feeling faint. Jacob had just finished making ... I don't know - soup? Esau, who felt like he was going to die, gave up his birthright for some "pottage of lentiles" (lentil soup?) and a little bit of bread.

That sucks. Sell away your inheritance and birthrights for a piece of bread and a bowl of lentil soup?

Well, I'm going to put the Bible away until tomorrow. I am mystified at how Christians look to the Bible and swear that it is full of wisdom and that it is the Word of God Himself. If anything, it's a record of ancient and alien customs, of which we should be thankful we no longer practice.