Day 8, Chapter 23. Sarah finally dies at the tender old age of 127, a little bit over the age that God said he'd let live. I wonder if she was still hot?

Abraham, on the other hand, lives on to be 175 years old! The rest of Chapter 23 is Abraham bartering with some guy named Ephron over a field. Abe is thinking of using a cave on the field to bury Sarah and possibly use it as a family burial plot. Ephron actually offers the cave for free, but Abraham insists on buying it.

Chapter 24. In Chapter 24, Abraham is beginning to succumb to his age. He asks his head servant to bring Isaac to his old stomping grounds to find a woman to marry. And to make sure the servant does this, Abraham has the servant hold him "under his thigh" to give an oath. There is dispute on what this type of oath is all about. The most interesting is that the oath actually involved holding Abraham's testicles!

Imagine, a man holding the testicles of a 175-year-old man! It's an interesting oath. I'd probably have multiple females swearing this oath to me.

Anyways, the servant goes to a city called Nahor in Mesopotamia. He has interesting way of choosing Isaac's wife, too. He basically waits by a well and the first woman who lets him drink water, and gives water to his camels, will be the lucky girl.

I'm glad my parents didn't use this tactic for my wife. Actually, I'm glad my parents had very little say in who I was marrying.

The lucky girl is a young virgin (they make a big deal about this) named Rebekah. She was basically very hospitable. After asking if he could drink water, she says, "Sure! Here ya go!" And she offers food and water for the camels, too.

The servant is awestruck by her kindness and immediately starts worshipping God. That must've been awkward for Rebekah.

After telling Rebekah's brother about his experience and getting his permission, Abraham's servant returns home with Rebekah. The chapter ends with a touching moment when Isaac is in the field meditating. Isaac opens his eyes and sees the camels coming, and Rebekah sees him. "Who's the hottie?" she basically asks.

The servant says that is the man she's going to marry, and she immediately covers herself in a veil. Shortly afterward, they marry and consummate the marriage inside his parents' tent. Isaac also finally feels better after the death of his mother, because he got laid. Ah yes, the healing power of sex. Even the folks who wrote the Bible recognized its healing powers!

Chapter 25. But wait! Abraham takes ANOTHER WIFE!!! Her name is Keturah. A couple of chapters ago, it said he was succumbing to old age and now he's taking another wife? And guess what? Keturah gives birth to SIX KIDS! Imagine that. An approximately 175-year-old widower, find another wife and fathers SIX KIDS. He's most likely in the low-180s now, unless she had sextuplets.

Abraham finally dies, and leaves his estate to Isaac. To all the kids born from his many concubines, he gives them gifts and sends them away. Apparently, Sarah was the only one that had problems giving birth. Abraham humped quite a few chicks and it seems a lot of them had children; even sons. Unfortunately, they're never acknowledged and Isaac is said to be Abraham's "only son." Very strange customs, indeed.

Later, after some more family lineage stuff that I am glossing over, Rebekah (Isaac's wife) finds out she's pregnant. Apparently, she was barren, but with God's help she gives birth to two boys; Esau and Jacob. When Esau was born, he "first came out red, all over like a hairy garment." I'm guessing that he had a lot of red hair all over his body? And then came Jacob, who was holding Esau's heel.

God didn't like poor Esau. Isaac did, because Esau was a great hunter, and Isaac enjoyed the venison he caught. But God HATED Esau! Wow. That's pretty strange, and there's no reason given as to why he hated him, either. He created Esau, and He hates him. The ultimate Catch-22.

The chapter ends with Jacob tricking Esau to sell his birthright (because Esau was slightly older). Esau came from the field and was feeling faint. Jacob had just finished making ... I don't know - soup? Esau, who felt like he was going to die, gave up his birthright for some "pottage of lentiles" (lentil soup?) and a little bit of bread.

That sucks. Sell away your inheritance and birthrights for a piece of bread and a bowl of lentil soup?

Well, I'm going to put the Bible away until tomorrow. I am mystified at how Christians look to the Bible and swear that it is full of wisdom and that it is the Word of God Himself. If anything, it's a record of ancient and alien customs, of which we should be thankful we no longer practice.

Day 7 - In Chapter 18, God and three angels visit Abraham at his home, where old Abe SERVES THEM water, a calf, milk, and butter. That's right, God and the angels not only eat and drink, but they apparently have no problem eating un-kosher meals! That is, if they boiled the calf in milk (Exodus 23:19).

God, all-knowing and all-powerful, then asks Abraham, "Where's your wife?"

God's got good news for them, and He reports to Abe that Sarah will have a son. Sarah, from behind a tent wall, overhears this and laughs her @$$ off because she's 90 YEARS OLD! God punks Sarah a little bit because she laughed, and she says she wasn't laughing at God, she was laughing because she was afraid.

At about this point, God looks toward Sodom and wonders aloud to one of his angels, "Should I hide from Abraham that little thing-a-ma-jiggie that I'm about to do?"

Nice. A little foreshadowing. God's planning another mass killing, and is trying to be modest about it. God can't hold it in, He's probably very giddy, and says, "Alright, Sodom and Gomorrah are doing horrible things, and I'm basically about to blow the two places up."

Abraham is concerned and asks, "You're going to kill both the righteous and the wicked?" This starts an interesting bartering process. "What if there's 50 righteous people in Sodom, will you spare the city?"

"Yes, I will spare it," replies the Almighty.

"What about if there is 45?"

"I'll spare it."

Finally, Abraham gets down to 10. "Hmm ... well, what about 10?"

And God agrees. He will not destroy the city if there are 10 innocent Sodomites. How hard is it to find an innocent person? Well, children are innocent. Newborns? Toddlers? Nah ... there are apparently no innocent newborns and toddlers in Sodom. Not even 10 of them.

Chapter 19. God sends two angels out to Sodom and they visit Abe's brother Lot, who is supposedly the only known righteous person in the city. The angels EAT and WASH THEIR FEET! The residents find the angels to be sexually irresistable and the men of the city surround Lot's House. "Hey Lot!" they call. "Where's those two dudes you brought into your home. Let them out so we can get jiggy wit' 'em!"

Lot, being the righteous man and a great host, refuses to let his guests be raped by the Sodomites. Instead, he offers his two virgin daughters. "They're virgins! Take them, and do with them what you will," he says.

Like I said in the last post, Lot is a despicable human being. What other person aside from an immoral one would offer up their daughters (virgin or not) to a mob of sexually depraved men? Angels are supernatural warriors, and can easily take out a mob of humans. Sure enough, the angels blind all the men surrounding the door and the angels make their escape.

In 19:14, the angels tell Lot to take his family (son-in-laws, daughters, wife, etc.) elsewhere because they're going to blow up Sodom. But wait; son-in-laws? Lot just lied to a mob of rapists and offered his virgin daughters to them. But they're not virgins - they're married! Lot is a liar and a coward.

The angels say when they leave, that no one should look back. Everyone knows what happens next. Lot escapes with his wife and daughters (the son-in-laws thought Lot was a nutjob ... they were right!), and then his wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt. I'm with comedian Julia Sweeney on this one, I think that Lot's wife did it in purpose. "Being a pillar of salt is PREFERABLE to be married to Lot."

So, Lot and his daughters are the only survivors. They find a cave in the mountains. Lot's daughters, who are now single, apparently think that God killed EVERYBODY. They say, "Woe is us, there ain't a man out there to come (cum?) in us. Let's get daddy drunk so that we can have sex with him, and preserve his seed."

Who the hell are these people?!?! Family values, in the Old Testament, is all about preserving the patriarchal family line. That's it. Maybe the New Testament is better? Well, when I get there, and that won't be for a while, I can guarantee that it isn't. The truth is, I don't know where conservative Christians get their family values. I know for sure that it isn't from the Bible.

I'm glad that Chapter 19 ends, and I'm glad to start reading about Abraham again. Maybe this sickening feeling in my stomach will soon go away. Yea right.

Chapter 20. Well, Abe is lying about Sarah being his sister again, and for the SAME REASON! And why not? He got hooked up pretty damn good the last time! This time, it is King Abimelech of a nation called Gerar. For some strange reason, the King of Gerar finds Sarah - who is 90 YEARS OLD - simply gorgeous. But God tells the King, in a dream, that Sarah is married and that the King shouldn't have sex with her or He'll destroy Gerar. The King, who is very reasonable, opts not to hump her and returns her to Abraham. And, like the Pharoah, says, "Why the F*CK didn't you tell me you were married, A$$H*LE!!! Why'd you lie to me?"

He didn't say exactly like that. But he should've, though. I would've.

Abraham weasels his way out of it and says that technically, she is his sister; just a half-sister. So he didn't really lie! And the reason that he lied was that he was scared the King would kill him just to have 90-year-old Sarah.

Like the pharoah, King Abimelech gives Abraham slaves and riches. Unlike the pharoah, he invites Abraham to stay in his land. And God heals the wombs of all the women in King Abimelech's household. Apparently, God sewed all of them shut because King Abimelech believed Abraham's lie, even though he never touched Sarah!

Chapter 21. Finally, 90-year-old Sarah gives birth to her son, and Abraham names him Isaac. As Isaac's growing up, old Hagar's son Ishmael mocks, or inappropriately plays with, Isaac. It's unclear as to what happened. Perhaps Ishmael, who is supposedly 16 years old by this time, was molesting Isaac? Whatever it was, it was bad enough that Sarah arranges (with God's help) to get Hagar and Ishmael kicked out, which Abraham agrees to.

Oddly, Genesis seems to err (probably by later editing) and suggest that Ishmael is but a child, which is of course impossible. Abe sees Hagar off with a bottle of water and some food. Hagar is holding Ishmael over her shoulder (pretty tough to do if he's a 16-year-old) and later, after running out of water, she casts Ishmael under a shrub so that he will die. An angel saves them by pointing out that there's a well right next to them.

Chapter 21 goes on and on, and eventually ends with Abraham moving to the land of the Philistines, which is another historical inaccuracy because the Philistines didn't arrive on the scene until 800 years later, in 1200 BCE.

Chapter 22. God decides to test Abraham. God tells Abraham to sacrifice his only son. "Take now thy only son, whom you love ... and offer him as a burnt offering."

In other words, "Hey Abraham, you know that son that you worked so hard for and whom you love. I'd like you to burn him alive as proof of your love to me."

Abraham obeys, and doesn't ask any questions. In fact, he tells his son that they're both going to perform an animal sacrifice. Very awkward. It would be kind of hard to break it to your only son that you're about to murder him because God requested it. So, they take their "long walk" together to where the sacrifice is tol take place.

Isaac notices that they've gathered wood, and basically says, "Okay, we have fire and wood. So, um, where's the lamb?"

Abraham replies that the lamb will be provided. He then promptly ties up Isaac and puts him on the wood, he grasps his knife, and just when Abraham was about to kill his son, God says, "Ha ha, just kidding Abe. Don't kill your son. I just wanted to see if you'd actually do it."

And God sends a ram instead, and Isaac and his father have some quality time sacrificing the ram together.

Just some thoughts - only an evil God would request this of a father, and only an evil father would carry through with it. Frankly, their morality is alien to me and I can't help but think that these people in the Old Testament are psychos.