Meet Doeg the Edomite: The Ancient Terminator (1 Samuel, Chapter 22)

Doeg slays priests in the town of Nob.  Image from Mud Preacher.

In the Terminator movies, Skynet sends a Terminator (a robot assassin) back into time to "TER-muh-NATE" the future leader of the Resistance, John Connor.  In the days of the ancient Israelites, 1 Samuel tells the tale of a jealous King Saul sending "Doeg the Edomite" to assassinate a potential rival for the crown, David.

This guy Doeg doesn't mess around.  Apparently, he was the chief servant of Saul, and very loyal.  After hearing that David had fled to the town of Nob, Saul and his servants traveled to the little town.  Saul gets into a minor dispute with a priest named Ahimelech, and afterward asks his servants to slay the priests.  None of them moved.

So Saul turned to loyal Doeg and asks him to kill the priests.  Without question, Doeg turned on his heals and commenced slayed 85 priests.  He even killed multiple men, women, and children of the town too!

The only person who managed to escape was the son of Ahimelech, Abiathar, who fled and found David, reporting all he had seen.  David felt bad for Abiathar.  David actually felt partially to blame for the death of all Abiathar's family.

David told Abiathar not to worry or be scared, because he is safe with him.

David Acts Insane to Escape From Saul's Anger (1 Samuel, Chapter 21)

David acts insane, letting drool dribble over his beard and onto the ground, and begins pounding his fists into the floor.  

This image is from the Brick Testament, which is a hilarious source for Biblical material.

Over the time I've been reading the Bible again, I've learned that approaching the Bible strictly as a "moral code" is ridiculous, and that's just the wrong way to look at it.  It's also wrong to take it seriously or literally.  I suspect that's why so many Christians don't want to read the Bible from cover to cover; because shortly after the first two verses of Genesis, it loses credibility as a tale about reality and so we'd rather just hear the preacher's explanation instead.

However, if we look at it as a source of entertainment, where we can read about some really interesting behavior, the Bible is great.  Sure, it's badly written, but once we stop taking it seriously, ironically it becomes easy to read.  The cognitive dissonance goes away.

In this chapter of 1 Samuel, David is afraid of King Saul's wrath.  If we remember, David is seen as something of a war hero because he killed Goliath on the battlefield.  Now, he is seen as being chosen by God Himself.  King Saul recognizes this and basically wants to kill David before he becomes a threat to his power.

David runs away, and in this chapter he even approaches the enemies of Israel (the kingdom of Gath) to escape from Saul.  But some people in Gath recognized David since he was famous by that time, and called him out on it.  He then acted like a madman, scribbling on some gates, drooling, and hitting the ground with his fists, just so they'd think he WASN'T David!

For some reason, he thought that if he acted like a mad man, they'd change their mind and protect him from Saul.

The chapter closes with Achish, who is the king of Gath, asking, "Have I need of madmen, that you brought this guy to me?"

Perhaps madmen were treated as entertainment back then?  Or was he just being sarcastic?  I guess we'll find out next time.

David and Jonathan Kiss Each Other Goodbye (1 Samuel, Chapter 20)

Again, this relationship between Jonathan and David seems a lot closer than the standard friendship.  There's nothing with that, of course.  And, it's vague enough and ancient enough in context to forgive their kissing and hugging and standing around naked with each other.

However, I've been hearing from apologists, who always make me roll my eyes, that there's no way that these two are gay.  I'm still on the fence on this, but I can't dismiss it as easily as they can, ESPECIALLY after reading this chapter!  Once again, I personally don't care if they're gay.  The only thing that's wrong about them being gay is the context behind the book (The Bible) which I'm reading it, which seems to readily condemn gays.

King Saul, the father of Jonathan, seems to know what's going on between his son and David.  Whether he suspects his son Jonathan of being gay, or perhaps just being more sympathetic to David instead of his own father's crown is not clear.  But when Saul confronts Jonathan, he says this: "You son of a perverse, rebellious woman!  I know you've chosen [David] to your own confusion, and unto the confusion of your mother's nakedness!"

Wow!

You'd almost think Saul caught the two guys making out.

But no, for the record the Bible doesn't state explicitly the nature of their relationship.  It says they love each other, it says they held hands, hugged, kissed, stood around naked, etc.  But it never says they're gay.

Well, Jonathan gets the hint that his dad (King Saul) wants to kill David.  So, he runs to David and tells him.  They even do a gay little pre-planned ritual where David is waiting in a field, Jonathan shoots three arrows and sends a boy to fetch them.  If the "the arrows are to the side" of the boy, David (who is looking on from a hiding spot), will see it as King Saul being cool with David. If, on the other hand, "the arrows are beyond" the boy, David will see that king intends to kill him.  

Yes, I know.  This isn't "gay" behavior.  They're not doing anything explicitly homosexual.  I mean it's "gay" because it's just over-the-top and a little dramatic.

When the time comes to shoot the arrows, the message is obviously that the arrows are beyond.  Jonathan shoots an arrow beyond the boy.  After seeing this, and after the unknowing participant (the boy) leaves, David comes out of hiding and embraces Jonathan.

This is essentially their final goodbye (I think), because David must flee.  They hug, they cry, and they kiss each other farewell.

The Continuing Power Struggle Between David and Saul (1 Samuel Chapter 19)

David and Jonathan chat while chilling on a rock.  Image from LookandLearn.org

King Saul, who still does not know that Yahweh (aka God) doesn't want him to be king anymore, is still squabbling with the young David, who seems to have attracted Yahweh's favor.

In this chapter, Saul reveals some of his nefarious plans to his son Jonathan.  But, as we read in the last chapter, Jonathan seems to have, at the very least, a mancrush on David.  It may even be more, but I won't go there.  He listens to his father's plans, and then defends David, even to the point of making the king swear that he won't kill David because David never did anything against him personally.

This suffices for a while, until war breaks out with the Philistines again and David annihilates them, which just makes Saul look bad again.  Saul is becoming such a dark figure that he's actually portrayed sitting down with a javelin in his hand; possessed by "the evil spirit from the Lord."  He actually tries to kill David himself, but David escapes and a pissed off Saul throws the javelin at a wall.

Saul is really starting to get jealous now, and decides to send assassins.  The Bible calls them "messengers", but they were specifically sent to observe David and then kill him.  So, I think "assassins" is a better word here.  Though, to be exact these were unusually polite assassins.  They actually went to the door of the house and said something to the effect, "Hi, may I see David so we can slay him?"

The people of the house helped David escape, and the assassins were perplexed that David's friends helped him escape.  Well, this hit was getting a little tricky for the friendly assassins.

David escaped to Samuel, whom the book is named after.  Samuel, if you've been following me, is a prophet.  When the assassins saw the prophets prophesying as if they were appointing David, the assassins also realized the err of their ways and also began prophesying, returning to Saul and telling him what transpired.

Two more times Saul sends "messengers" and each time they return prophesying.  All this prophesying seems to get Saul all worked up, because he then takes off all his clothes and lays down all day and night, and prophesies himself.  The chapter ends here, but I smell a resolution to the power struggle coming soon. 

Possible Gay Couple in the Old Testament! (1 Samuel, Chapter 18)

Jonathan and David in a loving embrace.  Image from St-Takla.org

There may not have been an Adam and Steve, but there was a Jonathan and Dave.  Chapter 18 opens up with the understandably little known story of Jonathan and David, and it reads like they were gay lovers of the type found in Athenian or Carthaginian soldiers, like the Sacred Band of Thebes.

Now, I'm sure there's plenty of apologetics out there trying to explain this away, so here's the facts, not the spin.  18:1 says that their souls were knit together.18:3 says David loved Jonathan as his own soul.  18:4 says Jonathan took off all his clothes and armor and gave it to David.

It's ambiguous and the point can be argued either way, but it is at least suspicious to the average reader, which I purport myself to be.  I'm just reading the Bible again just to make sure I didn't miss anything.  This second time around is obviously a lot more engaged then previous times.

Also in this chapter, Saul, who I guess has not been told yet that he's not the king that Yahweh (God) wants, is becoming jealous of David.  Apparently, they start a contest on who can kill the most people in the name of God.  This is like the wet dream of the most religious people alive today!

King Saul engages in a little bit of deception.  Saul saw that David was enamored with his daughter, and figured that giving her to David would calm him down.  Saul said David can have his daughter (named Michal), and he didn't need a dowry.  However, he did want 100 Philistine foreskins.

Think about that.

A lot of people give their wife a wedding ring, in some cultures the groom is expected to give the family money or gifts (a dowry), but in this case David is asked to bring 100 FORESKINS!

Well, David wanted Michal so bad that he went and killed 200 Philistines, and brought back 200 foreskins.  Piles of foreskins seems to be a fairly common thing in the Old Testament!   Paying 200 foreskins for a bride is a rather odd price, and it's also very weird.  That's why I find it interesting that this story isn't as well-known as it ought to be.

It almost seems like our own modern morality causes Bible readers to ignore these passages.  Not me.  I find these passages immensely interesting, and at the same time it just cements my personal belief that Bible is not a guide to morality, but "empty bleatings of a barbaric tribe", as Christopher Hitchens might put it.

David Slays Goliath (1 Samuel, Chapter 17)

David slays Goliath.  From kingjamesbibleonline.org

Perhaps one of the most well-known stories of the Bible is about young David killing the giant Philistine champion named Goliath.  

Prior to David's encounter with Goliath, the Israelites and the Philistines have been battling it out for at least 40 days near the Valley of Elah, in a place called Ephesdammin. During each of those days, the 10-foot tall Goliath would start off the day taunting the Israelites, saying that if one of them can defeat him, then the Philistines will be their servants; and vice versa.  No one took him up on this offer.

David wanted to take him up on this opportunity, but he was young and he wasn't part of the Israelite army.  But after hearing about these taunts, David approached Saul (who still thinks he is king) and tells him that as a shepherd, he killed a lion AND a bear at the same time when they took one of his father's lambs.  He even saved the lamb by taking it out of the lion's mouth.  

This story deserves a little attention.  After all, it is highly unlikely that both a lion AND a bear would ever cooperate to take a lamb from a flock.

But this story was meant to convince Saul that he (David) can easily take on Goliath.  Apparently, Saul was convinced!  He offered David his sword and some armor, but David refused and instead chose five smooth stones by a nearby river and his sling.

When Goliath sees David approaching him, he laughs.  After all, David just a youth.   Goliath had a huge sword, a brass helmet, and some heavy mail.  So, Goliath was well armed and armored.  David, on the other hand, just had his robe, a wooden staff, a sling, and some rocks.  David was not put off at all, he said a few choice insults, calmly grabbed a stone from his bag, and then slung it at Goliath.  

Too bad this story is probably not real, because the one shot, one kill with a measly sling would make any sniper proud.  The stone embedded itself into Goliath's head, who then fell face down.  David took Goliath's sword and cut off his head.

The sight of this scared the bejesus out of the Philistines, who turned tail and ran.  The Israelites seized the opportunity and pursued the routing army.  

Needless to say, Saul was thoroughly impressed by David's performance.

Yahweh Chooses A New King (1 Samuel, Chapter 16)

Samuel anoints David.  Image from Wikipedia  

Chapter 16 is an interesting chapter.  It's about how Yahweh (God) chooses a new king, largely because the previous king (Saul) did not kill everyone and everything as he was commanded.  This chapter has some contradictions and just overall foolishness.

It starts with God asking Samuel how long he's going to mourn over the loss of Saul as king, because God has someone else in mind and would like to get moving on this new project.  God's idea is to get one of "Jesse's" sons.  I'm not sure who Jesse is.  The author of this chapter must be one of those people who brings up people's names in conversations whom the listener doesn't know but is expected to know.  

Samuel is worried because if he tells Saul that he is no longer king, then Saul might just kill Samuel.  So, God comes up with a clever plan.  First, the "spirit" of God left Saul, and God instead replaces this spirit with an "evil spirit."  The spirit of God had went into David after Samuel anointed him a little earlier in the chapter.

Later, Saul (who apparently hasn't been told yet that he's no longer king) is sitting around his court with an evil spirit inside him, and decides that he wants a musician.  He hears that Jesse's son David is a great harp player, and that God is with him too. Oh, the irony!  He doesn't realize that the God is LITERALLY with David!

So, David shows up and plays harp for Saul.  While David is playing the "evil spirit from God" LEAVES Saul because of David's astounding harp playing.  Saul absolutely loves David, and becomes an instant fan. 

The chapter ends here, but the contradiction is that here we see that Saul knows who David is.  But, in the next chapter, Saul completely forgets who David is!  It's things like this why scholars over the years think that each book of the Bible may have multiple authors, who were using other texts that said slightly different things.  In this case, it's like watching Metallica play and then falling in love with their music, but shortly afterward completely forgetting who they are.