King David slaughters and loots from his enemies

King David massacres the Philistines and the Moabites.  Image from BibleStudyOutlines.org

2 Samuel, Chapter 8 - This chapter again reiterates King David's ongoing slaughter of the Philistines and Moabites.  One interesting piece of data is his maiming of captured horses, after securing 1000 chariots and 700 horsemen.

It also should be noted that those 700 horsemen is a disputed number, because in 1 Chronicles 18:4, it says David actually took 7,000 horsemen.  Maybe it's a recording error, but that just goes to show the problems inherent to these ancient documents.

David then goes on to slay the Syrians, to the tune of 22,000 men!

From all his conquests, he gathered plenty of loot, including the golden shields of the servants of Hadadezar.

So, way to go David!  At this point of the Bible, he's really kicking ass!

Assaulting the Jebusites and Philistines (2 Samuel, Chapter 5)

While waiting in the mulberry trees, King David and his troops awaits the sound of God 

moving through the trees before advancing upon the hapless Philistines.

Image from the Jim Bakker Show Blog

2 Samuel, Chapter 5 - This chapter is about King David rousing his troops and the subsequent assaults and victories on the Jebusites and the Philistines, along with some of the repression done by the Israelites to keep these people in line.

It starts off with some grumbling from the Jebusites, who are not a fan of David and don't want him around.  So, David takes the Jebusite stronghold of Zion, which becomes the City of David.  He rallies the people to his cause, saying in the eighth verse: "Whoever gets out of the gutter and kills the Jebusites, and the lame and blind whom I hate, that person shall be made a captain (in the army)."

As King David established his kingdom and it grew, David gathers more wives and concubines.  In other words, David has his own harem!  It doesn't say how many, but they started getting pregnant real quick.

Word of King David's rising kingdom came to the nearby Philistines, who decided to seek him out.  It isn't clear in the King James version if they were seeking him out for military means, or just to meet the new king. But what happens is that after the Philistines come and camp in the nearby valley of Rephaim, David inquires in Yahweh (aka God) what he should do.  Yahweh, of course, wants David to slaughter all the Philistines.  God and David both destroy the Philistines in the valley of Rephaim.

However, more Philistines came and once again camped in the valley.  So, God lets David in on a bit of strategy.  He advises David and his troops to go around the Philistine encampment into a grove of mulberry trees, there to await "the sound of a going" in the tops of the mulberry trees (5:23).  David follows the advice and waits patiently until indeed a rustling was heard in the trees.  He gave the orders to advance upon the Philistines and left death in his wake.

Who wrote 1st Samuel, Chapter 31?

Saul falls upon his own sword in this book (1st Samuel).  Stay tuned to see how he dies in 2nd Samuel!

(1 Samuel, Chapter 31) In this final chapter of 1st Samuel, the numerically superior Philistines do battle with their old enemies the Israelites, of whom King Saul is their commander.

According to the book, the battle was very one-sided in the favor of the Philistines.  King Saul took numerous arrows and asked his armor bearer to go ahead and kill him, but he would not.  So, Saul took a sword and fell upon it, thereby killing him.  Pay attention to this detail, because the first chapter of the next book (2nd Samuel), we find a different story of Saul's death.

Anyhow, I still think that the authors of the book chose to end it like this.  I'm not sure how historical this story is and how mythical it is.  None the less, I would have to say that it was written very weird.  The redundancies and the seeming inability of characters to act on what happened in previous chapters, give the impression that 1st Samuel had multiple authors, or multiple manuscripts, which were later just cobbled together.

Who wrote 1st Samuel?  Tradition says that Samuel was the one wrote it, but like Moses and the Pentateuch, Samuel's character dies in this book. He dies specifically in Chapter 25.  Another theory is that multiple 'prophets', including Samuel, had a hand in its authorship.  The other two prophets listed as contributors to 1st Samuel are Gad and Nathan.  

More than likely, this book did have numerous authors and also utilized court records and documents from the Israelite nation.  

Philistines don't want David to join them in a battle against Israelites

Philistines wage war against the Israelites.  

1 Samuel, Chapter 29 - Apparently, it had escaped me that in Chapter 27 that David had actually joined the Philistines, after reconciling with Saul twice.


Well, in this chapter David and his 600 Israelites want to join the Philistines.  After all, they've been living in their lands for a few years now.


During a pass-in-review of all the lords of Philistine and their armies before their King Achish (Achish might just be a Philistine title for a king, too); David and his 600 Israelites also march past the king.  However, the Philistine lords ask, "Why is this Hebrew among us?  Isn't this David, the man whom they sing of: "Saul has killed his thousands; David his tens of thousands"?


"Don't let him go to battle with us, unless he is an adversary," said the Philistine lords.  By the way, the word "adversary" in Hebrew, which this story was translated from, is "Satan".  The Philistines basically called David "Satan", which in context wasn't that bad of a thing, ironically.  


I guess it's puzzling to see a Hebrew join their nation and so gleefully go to war against his own people.


After all this protest from the lords of Philistines, the King Achish capitulates and informs David that he can't go to battle with them against the Israelites.  


David, disappointed, took his 600 men and left while the Philistines departed to meet the Israelites in battle at a place called Jezreel.

King Saul Resorts to Summoning Spirits (1 Samuel, Chapter 28)

After God abandons him, King Saul asks a witch to summon 

the spirit of the recently deceased Samuel.

1 Samuel, Chapter 28.  This chapter is actually highly entertaining.  The Philistines have raised a giant army against King Saul and the Israelites, and Saul fears for his life.  He tries to contact Yahweh (aka 'God') but Yahweh is no longer with him, and thus no longer communicated with him.  As the chapter says, "... the Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim."

Remember the Urim?  It was a contraption that was set into a magical vest that helped divine messages from God (or revelations).  Well, the Urim wasn't working and Saul was getting desperate.  So, he resorts to witchcraft - which is possibly an even bigger no-no than what Saul did wrong in the first place.  If you remember, the reason why Saul's on Yahweh's shit list is because he failed to kill ALL of the Amelekites.

Saul requests of the which to summon the spirit of the recently deceased Prophet Samuel (whom this book is named after).  Saul's reason for speaking with Samuel is because Samuel was very close to Yahweh.  Well, the witch was able to summon a spirit who answered to the name of Samuel, but the spirit did not give Saul comforting advice.  Also of interest, while she was summoning the spirit of Samuel, she reported to Saul that she saw gods ascending from the earth.


Samuel basically said, "Yea buddy, because of your little stunt sparing the lives of those Amelekites, Yahweh's basically going to hand you and all the Israelites over to the Philistines.  But don't worry, you and all your family will be hanging out with me in the land of the dead by this time tomorrow."


Needless to say, this panicked Saul quite a bit.


While this was a sad chapter for Saul, there are a few interesting things we can take from this chapter.  First, we can delve into the minds of the ancient Israelites and learn about how they divined information from their god(s).  Secondly, the Israelite conception of a god is very different than the modern interpretation.  They didn't believe in one god; they believed in many.  This is evident from the witch's comment, "I saw gods ascending from the earth."


Even though she was a witch, the author and the ancient Israelites believed that though there were many gods; Yahweh was the most important of them.  They were very much like a cult of Yahweh.  It is from this belief of worshiping one god only instead of the others which monotheism would later evolve.

David Hides from King Saul (1 Samuel Chapter 23)

Wilderness in Judah.  David hid from Saul in a place that probably didn't look too different.  From BiblePlaces.com

David is still hiding from Saul.  While hanging out in the wilderness with his men, David is informed that the Philistines have began an assault on the town of Keilah.

David asks Yahweh (God) about what he should do, and Yahweh says to attack him.  So he informs the men to get ready, but they are apparently scared.  Once again, David asks Yahweh for clarification, and Yahweh basically says, "Yes!  Get up and smite those mofos, you're wasting time!  I got your back, bro.  I'm freakin' Yahweh!"

Once God made it abundantly clear, David and takes his men and sure enough wreak havoc upon the ranks of the Philistines, and they save the town of Keilah.

Well, King Saul heard about David's whereabouts and immediately set upon the town Keilah.  Before Saul's troops can get there, David manages to escape into the Wilderness of Maon.

Within the wilderness David basically evades King Saul until finally those troublesome Philistines mount another attack elsewhere, which prompts King Saul to deal with the new threat rather than find his old rival David.

Reading this chapter, I'm loaded with the questions.  Why doesn't Yahweh just end this drama?  Conventionally, Yahweh is the God of the Universe.  However, I get the sense in this chapter that He was more like a finite, yet still powerful deity, like something from the Greek pantheon.  With His affinity for war, I'm almost tempted to say He's on par with Ares, the Greek god of war.

This fits idea of a finite yet still powerful god best fits with the behavior I'm reading about.  Yahweh doesn't have much control, He seems to be filled with petty emotions, and He even deceives humans.

Contrarily, I would imagine an all-powerful being who cares about His creation wouldn't be obsessed with the death of other tribes, and of course the weird fascination He seems to have with sex.

Should Saul's Son Die Because He Ate Honey? (1 Samuel, Chapter 14)

Archaeologists think these two rocks at Michmach Gorge (forefront), are the rocks named Bozez and Seneh, mentioned in this chapter.  

From LifeInTheHolyLand.com

In this chapter, we're faced with an interesting question.  If a rule is made, but someone who didn't hear the rule breaks it, should that person be punished? 

In this chapter, Saul's son Jonathan and perhaps 600 men secretly leave to go wreak havoc among the Philistines.  As Jonathan made his way to the Philistines, the text mentions him passing through two rocks called Bozez and Seneh (see photo above). 

I like how the author played up the conflict.  On the one hand, the Israelites call the Philistines "the uncircumcised".  On the other, the Philistines seem to refer to the Israelites as rats.  "Look," says one Philistine, "the Israelites have come out of the holes in which they've been hiding."

The short battle, affectionately called Jonathan's "first slaughter", resulted in 20 dead Philistines in a one-half acre area.  The Israelite God (Yahweh) was very pleased at this turn of events and caused an earthquake.

This victory enthused the Israelites so much that they joined Saul and Jonathan in the fight against the Philistines, and wreaked plenty of destruction and shed much blood. 

It is here that Saul makes an oath, "Any man who eats before the evening will be cursed, so I can avenge my enemies."  The problem is, at the time of this decree, Saul's son Jonathan was not around.

While Jonathan was out slaughtering Philistines, he had eaten some honey.  (1 Samuel 14:27)

Later on, when Jonathan heard of this decree, he was convinced that he had to die.  Saul was even convinced!  However, the Israelites loved Jonathan so much because of his battlefield victories they asked that he not be sacrificed.

After the Philistines are put into their place, the Israelites take over Israel and continue fighting (and slaughtering) the other tribes - Moabites, Ammonites, Ebonites, the kings of Zobah, and even their old friends the Amalekites. 

Samuel Rebukes Paul (1 Samuel, Chapter 13)

Samuel gets pissed at Saul for being impatient and offering a sacrifice too soon.  From Outset Ministry

I guess old Saul started getting a little power hungry, or he was starting to displease the clergy.  Chapter 13 starts off with Saul sending troops to take out the Philistine garrison in nearby Geba.  Naturally, Philistines in surrounding areas were pissed after hearing about this, and started raising an army against the Israelites.

The Israelites were starting to panic, and started hiding all over the place: in caves, in forests, wherever.  Those who were with Saul stayed with him, though they too were a little scared.  Of course, Saul did what any Bronze Age ruler would do when the odds were stacked against him.  He gathered a bunch of animals, and offered them up as a sacrifice.

When finally Samuel came around, he approached Saul and told him he screwed up big time.  What was his big mistake?  Aside from starting another war with the Philistines, Samuel made the burnt offerings too soon.  I know what you're thinking.  GASP!  How could he?!?

Samuel said that Yahweh must have made a mistake.  Even after all the signs which pointed to Saul, apparently he was the wrong guy!  Samuel says, "But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee."

This is a prelude to a future chapter.  After showing that he was willing to take matters into his own hands, and not consult the clergy, the real powermongers (the clergy) decided that Saul was not the easily controlled puppet whom they thought he'd be.  That's just my reading of it.  They will eventually bring in another king, who will be far more pious then Saul.

Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant

The Ark of the Covenant found ... at DragonCon!!!  Photo by Olaf Gradin

Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant (Chapter 7) - Since last time, the Philistines have been in a mad dash to rid themselves of the Ark of the Covenant, which has brought nothing but suffering to them.  In Chapter 7, the Ark finds itself in an old house in the town of Kirjathjearim, where it stays for about 20 years!

Finally, Samuel suggests to the Israelites that if they give up the gods Baalim and Ashtaroth, then Yahweh will free them from the Philistines.  So, the Israelites drop the two other gods and begin worshiping Yahweh fervently. 

After the Israelites do this, Samuel then asks the Israelites to gather in the valley of Mizpeh.  Whent he Philistines get word of this movement, they send men out to deal with what they think was an attempt at rebellion by the already beaten Israelite people.

However, after praying to Yahweh and after Samuel sacrifices a young lamb, God takes out all the Philistines who rose up against the Israelites and the chapter ends very quickly after that.

A golden nugget found in a Las Vegas casino.  Does it look like a hemorrhoid?

Photo by Ken Lund, Creative Commons

Give unto God ... um ... golden images of your hemorrhoids? (1 Samuel, Chapter 6) - As I read through the Bible, I am continuously struck by the things that I missed the first time around!  This chapter did not disappoint me in weirdness.

The Philistines, in shock because so many died at the hands of the Israelite god Yahweh, wanted to get rid of the Ark of the Covenant.  They had also suffered mice and a particularly nasty case of hemorrhoids because of their capture of the Ark.  Sure, Yahweh helped them capture it, and oddly enough is punishing the ones He just helped out, but I never said the story was supposed to make sense.

Now, the Philistines just want to return the cursed thing, and so ask the terms in which to return it.  The Israelite representative suggests that the Philistines DO NOT return it empty!  Rather, they must cast five golden mice and five golden hemorrhoids.

Yes, that's right!  Part of the return policy is to cast images of the hemorrhoids that just afflicted them!  Wow, that's really rubbing their nose in their afflictions, isn't it!?!

Well, they do it!

Finally, to prove that it was indeed the Israelite god that is responsible for the deaths and the afflictions, the Philistines do one last investigative technique.  After putting the golden hemorrhoids and mice into the Ark, and having the Ark towed by two cows, the Philistines let the cows go.  If the cows go straight to a place called Bethshemeth, then indeed it was Yahweh's doing.  The cows do go to Bethshemeth.  Therefore, it was Yahweh's doing.  There's something fishy about that line of reasoning, and I'll leave that to you the reader to figure out.

When some farmers in Bethshemeth happen upon the Ark, they look inside and find the five hemorrhoids and five mice, and they send each piece of gold to surrounding cities.  However, because they looked into the Ark, Yahweh kills 50,000 people from Bethshemeth!  As the proverb goes, "Curiosity killed the cat."

So now, the men of Bethshemeth want to get rid of the Ark, and plot to give it to the nearby town of Kirjathjearim.

To be continued ...

Samson rasslin' with a lion.  Photo from Paul K, Creative Commons

Samson gets his girl, tears a lion apart with his bare hands, and other fun stuff, (Judges 14) - Samson is such a dude.  He's that hyper-male action hero that we've been watching on TV for so long, like John Wayne, Chuck Norris, Charles Bronson, Schwarzenegger, etc. that many of us guys looked up to.  Except, he could probably put all of them to shame.  Because he's not just a male action hero, he's the enemy of 20th century progress.  

No matter the complaints against feminism, civil rights, or even animal rights - and there some good ones out there - Samson is totally against female equality and civil rights.

Samson saw a woman who he fancied among the Philistines.  He told his parents, who were a little bit grossed out because those Philistines are unclean and uncircumcised!  (14:3)

When on an outing with his parents to some vineyard in Timnath a lion appeared.  Samson tore it apart with his bare hands.  He went to go visit the Philistine woman, and upon returning he stopped by the lion's carcass and saw bees and honey inside the gut torn out gut of the lion.

He then does something really weird.  He tells a riddle to the Philistine woman's friends and family.  "What is sweeter than honey, and stronger than a lion?"

After seven days they couldn't get the riddle, and after inquiring of Samson the riddle's meaning he falsely accuses them of sleeping with the woman.  In fact, he said, "If you had not plowed with my heifer, then you had not found out my riddle."  

Wow, he calls her a heifer!!!  That was probably a compliment in the Bronze Age.

In any case, the notion that he could just TAKE a wife, that the Philistines are uncleaned, and even the little bit about killing the lion just show that Samson is nothing more than a Bronze Age legend, and that his adventures are counterintuitive to anyone coming from the 20th and 21st centuries.

Samson is one the most famous of Biblical heroes, but he was also one of the most sadistic.

Samson, the Beginning (Judges Chapter 13) - One again, the Israelites start "doing evil in the sight of God."  More than likely, they've sunk into their old ways and began worshiping OTHER gods!  This fake problem is portrayed as the biggest issue for the Israelites, and one of the biggest fears for the author(s) of Judges.

So, a new savior will have to lift these people out of their rut.  If you remember, we recently covered Jephthah, and prior to him Gideon, and so on.  Each of these heroes showed up when the previous hero died, and the Israelites sank back into paganism.  And when they sink into paganism, God gives them to other people.  This time, God gives all the Israelites to the Philistines.  Now, we come to Samson. 

Of course, the woman who was to carry baby Samson was barren, and could not bear any children.  She is, at least in this chapter, nameless.  After all this "coming unto her" by God and angels, you'd think it would be common courtesy to know who this chick is.  But her husband is a man named Manoah.  Yahweh (aka God) sent an angel to tell her that she will, in fact, have a child.  There a few stipulations - she shouldn't drink alcohol, and after the boy is born no one should cut his hair, ever. 

This is just the introduction, of course, and the story continues into the next chapter.