- Eat cloven-footed animals that eat their cud (i.e. cattle). Okay, I do this!
- Eat animals that have scales or fins (aka fish). I love fish, and I especially love ceviche!
- Circumcise your male children. I don't have a problem with this, but that's probably because I'm circumcised and I find chicks dig it.
- Sacrifice a lamb AND a small bird on your child's first birthday. Hey, my mom and dad never did that!
- Arrange to have a priest sacrifice a lamb and a small bird after giving birth.
- Quarantine diseased individuals, and have a priest inspect him. Generally good advice! But thankfully we have doctors nowadays.
- eat divided-footed animals that chew their cud (i.e. camels).
- eat rabbits or hares because their feet are divided. What's wrong with eating rabbits?
- eat pork. As long as you cook pork, it's clean.
- touch the corpses of the above animals. So did they just left the corpses lying around, or did they have infidels dispose of them?
- eat rodents or tortoises (not sure why they're grouped like that).
- eat lizards or snakes. I heard lizards and snakes are good eatin'.
- get leprosy or you'll be considered 'unclean! That sucks. First you get leprosy; and then you become ostracized by the community.
- sea creatures without fins or scales are ABOMINATIONS. No, they're not. They're perfectly natural.
- rabbits chew their cud. They actually chew their food, crap it out, and THEN eat their crap!
- bats are birds. Bats are actually mammals!
- some insects have four legs. There are no insects with only four legs.
- some birds have four legs. There are no birds with four legs.
- women are dirty and sinful after childbirth. Physically dirty (more like bloody) maybe; but sinful (aka 'spiritually dirty')?
- Women are dirty when they're on their period. Really?
- Women who give birth to a male child are unclean for one week; two weeks if it's a female! That's just messed up.
God's also got an interesting cure, or maybe just a ritual, for lepers. Check it out:
- Get two birds; kill one.
- Dip the live one in the blood and sprinkle or smear the blood on the leper, using the live bird as a brush.
- Then let the blood-soaked bird fly away.
- Next, find a lamb and kill it.
- Wipe some blood on the leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe.
- Sprinkle oil on the leper and rub some of the oil on the leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe.
- Repeat steps 1 through 6.
- Find another pair of birds. Repeat steps 1 through 3.
- Sprinkle the house with blood.
Next time, I'll discuss yet more crazy stuff from Leviticus, including what to do if you accidentally jizz on yourself!