A nonbeliever's SECOND reading of the Bible

A nonbeliever's SECOND reading of the Bible
Hunc tu caveto.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009




Joseph gets thrown in jail because of a eunuch's wife

I think I wrote before that the Pharoah's wife was digging on Joseph. Whoops, it's actually the wife of a EUNUCH! I never knew eunuch's had wives!
Joseph was sold to Potiphar, a general of the Egyptian army (and a eunuch), and Potiphar thought Joseph was the bomb. He made Joseph the head slave of his house.

Well, one day while Potiphar was out, his wife started making passes at Joseph, but good Joseph rejected her. One day she grabbed his garment (he was probably just wearing some sort of tunic or something, but he took off (his tunic fell off), and she pretty much cried, "Rape!"

Poor Joseph was thrown in jail because of this.

Women can be such bitches sometimes.


Joseph interprets two dreams

One interesting this is that the head honcho at the jail liked Joseph, and made him responsible for all the new prisoners.

One night, two new prisoners, a baker and a cup-bearer (the latter's job is probably the crappiest job I've ever heard of), had a dream. For clarification, a Cup-Bearer is basically a butler. The next day, Joseph noticed they had long faces, and they tell Joe it's because they don't have an interpreter. Joe tells them, "Hey, I've got the Almighty Creator of the Universe on my side, who is all-powerful and all-knowing, I could probably interpret those dreams for ya."

After hearing their dreams, Joseph say, "Oh, that's easy. Mr. Butler, in three days the Pharoah will let you be cup-bearer again and you will live. Remember to tell the Pharoah about me. Hook me up. But you, Mr. Baker; you gonna die."

Sure enough, in three days the Pharoah holds a banquet and the Cup-Bearer gets his job back (yippee?) and the baker is hung on a tree and birds eat his flesh.

This is an interesting story, and I hate it when you help people out and they don't give you credit. So far, Joseph is the first main character that I'm actually cheering for. I hope something bad happens to the Butler.


The Pharoah's Dream

One night the pharoah has a dream, and it troubles him so much that he summons all the magicians and wise men in Egypt. Unfortunately, none of them can interpret it. Finally, the butler remembers the Hebrew guy that interpreted his dream, and he tells the pharoah. The pharoah summons Joseph, and Joseph interprets his dream.

I always wonder about people that claim to have the ability to make predictions. A lot of them say God told them, and other say it is inherent. I've heard some very interesting "psychic" statements and predictions from a few people, and I have no idea how they do it. For instance, an ex fling of mine said that I have an ex who works at a Macy's at a nearby mall. And she was right! But this girl had no connection to anyone that knows the girl I used to go out with. Then again ... what a useless prediction that was!

Joseph's predictions are at least useful. His interpretation of the Pharoah's dream was that Egypt would have seven years of prosperity; followed by seven years of abject famine. He said that Egypt needs to raise its taxes and build up its reserves to live through the seven years of famine.

The Pharoah is impressed by this and makes Joseph the second-in-command of Egypt. The next seven years are great, and the Egyptians store food for the upcoming famine. Then the famine comes, except the Bible says it's not regional; IT'S GLOBAL! God created a famine over the face of all the Earth, just so Joseph can get rich!

It even says all the nations of the world came to Egypt to buy corn. All of them? Even the Mayans? The Australian aborigines? Of course not. The ancient Hebrews who wrote this knew of no such cultures. They thought the entire Earth was relatively small compared to what we know today.

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