Yahweh Demands that Israelites be Circumcised a SECOND Time!!! Ouch!  (Joshua, Chapter 5) - Imagine that you're a soldier in Iraq a few years ago.  You're lined up with a few hundred other men, crouched down behind a ditch and ready to move into Fallujah.  It's expected to be a vicious firefight.  And, for the sake of argument let's pretend that you've already been circumcised at birth.

Then word comes down the line that you're commanding officer requires that all soldiers, even those already circumcised, must get a second circumcision before the battle.  This is basically what happens to the Israelites before they mount their assault on Jericho.  And, I'd imagine that's when some young Israelite soldier coined the term, "WTF?!?"

What's worse is that the Israelites were so numerous that they actually created a "hill of foreskins".  I tried to find an image of a "hill of foreskins", and unfortunately the only image I came up with was the one pictured above, and a bunch of homosexual photos and some weird reference to "docking", which I won't get into here.  Let's just say that some people have way too much time on their hands!

After the men healed, the Captain of Yahweh's angelic host came down to visit Joshua, with a message from the Big Man Himself.  "Take off your shoes, Bub, for you are on Holy Ground."

And that's where Joshua, Chapter 5 ends.  The Book of Joshua is turning into a rather odd tale, with tales of intrigue, spies, supernatural beings, and a hill of foreskins.

Biologist Richard Dawkins gets chided a lot for his description of the God of the Bible. But when we read the Bible, we have to admit that his description is accurate. I think the conflict happens because people's spiritual experience do not square up with the Bible's description. In fact, that's probably why most people DON'T read the Bible!

Dawkins famously said that Yahweh is "a petty, unjust, unforgiving control freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully." We've only gone into Leviticus, the third book of the Old Testament, and we can't deny any of it.

Well, after all the rules on sacrificing animals, God has a few more rules that He suggests following. That's right! The all-powerful, all-knowing creator of the universe does not want you to follow these rules:

You can:

• Eat cloven-footed animals that eat their cud (i.e. cattle). Okay, I do this!
• Eat animals that have scales or fins (aka fish). I love fish, and I especially love ceviche!

You must:

• Circumcise your male children. I don't have a problem with this, but that's probably because I'm circumcised and I find chicks dig it.
• Sacrifice a lamb AND a small bird on your child's first birthday. Hey, my mom and dad never did that!
• Arrange to have a priest sacrifice a lamb and a small bird after giving birth.
• Quarantine diseased individuals, and have a priest inspect him. Generally good advice! But thankfully we have doctors nowadays.

You can't:

• eat divided-footed animals that chew their cud (i.e. camels).
• eat rabbits or hares because their feet are divided. What's wrong with eating rabbits?
• eat pork. As long as you cook pork, it's clean.
• touch the corpses of the above animals. So did they just left the corpses lying around, or did they have infidels dispose of them?
• eat rodents or tortoises (not sure why they're grouped like that).
• eat lizards or snakes. I heard lizards and snakes are good eatin'.
• get leprosy or you'll be considered 'unclean! That sucks. First you get leprosy; and then you become ostracized by the community.

He also wants you to know the following unscientific "facts":

• sea creatures without fins or scales are ABOMINATIONS. No, they're not. They're perfectly natural.
• rabbits chew their cud. They actually chew their food, crap it out, and THEN eat their crap!
• bats are birds. Bats are actually mammals!
• some insects have four legs. There are no insects with only four legs.
• some birds have four legs. There are no birds with four legs.
• women are dirty and sinful after childbirth. Physically dirty (more like bloody) maybe; but sinful (aka 'spiritually dirty')?
• Women are dirty when they're on their period. Really?
• Women who give birth to a male child are unclean for one week; two weeks if it's a female! That's just messed up.

God's also got an interesting cure, or maybe just a ritual, for lepers. Check it out:

1. Get two birds; kill one.
2. Dip the live one in the blood and sprinkle or smear the blood on the leper, using the live bird as a brush.
3. Then let the blood-soaked bird fly away.
4. Next, find a lamb and kill it.
5. Wipe some blood on the leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe.
6. Sprinkle oil on the leper and rub some of the oil on the leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe.
7. Repeat steps 1 through 6.
8. Find another pair of birds. Repeat steps 1 through 3.
9. Sprinkle the house with blood.

Next time, I'll discuss yet more crazy stuff from Leviticus, including what to do if you accidentally jizz on yourself!

Jacob reunites with Esau

Encamped by the river, Jacob's arch-nemesis brother Esau approaches with 400 men. Jacob only has two concubines, two wives, and a bunch of children. But oddly, Esau isn't out for revenge. He's actually happy to see Jacob and they embrace each other. I'm not sure why he needed 400 men, though. Maybe for effect?

Jacob is happy that Esau likes him now. As Jacob gives Esau gifts, he tells Esau, "I have seen your face, as though I had seen the face of God."

That is a very strange thing to say, especially since Jacob HAS seen the face of God. Does this mean that God is red, hairy, beastman? Or maybe Jacob's a liar. He has lied a few times already.

Rape and Slaughter

Jacob's daughter Leah is goes out to see the countryside, performing the very odd task of "seeing the daughters of the land."

A man named Shechem, a prince of the land pounced upon her and basically raped her. He was apparently in love with her. He asks his father Hamor to "get me this damsel to wife." Basically, "Whoops, I just raped her, and now I want to marry her."

So Hamor went out to find Jacob so that he can arrange a marriage between Dinah and Shechem. Jacob and his sons had heard that Shechem was a rapist, though. Hamor comes with the jolly idea that each party should trade women with each other; like cattle. Rather than be up front with Hamor, Jacob lies and says that she can't marry Shechem because everyone is uncircumcised.

Hamor and Jacob hammer out a deal to have ALL the men in the city circumcised! Hamor and Shechem go back to the city and tell everyone, "Jacob and his family are peaceful people. Let them live and trade with us. We will take their daughters as wives, and give our daughters to them. The only catch is that all the men have to cut the tips of their penises off. But hey, free chicks!"

So basically, another pile of foreskins for the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. Yippee!

Then, when the men were "still sore" (OUCH!), two of Jacob's sons walk into the town and basically slaughter every man in the city, including King Hamor and Shechem. The rest of Jacob's sons then plunder the city, taking with them all the wives and children as captive.

Jacob isn't pleased with this. "Why the heck did you do THAT?!?" He basically said. "Now everyone's going to think we're hostile and band together against us!"

That was a fairly wise observation.

The brothers rationalized their slaughter by saying, "So we should've let him treat our sister like a whore?"

This gets behind the mentality of men back then. To these people, rape is not a crime against the woman; it's a crime against the man. This is the same morality that brought about Muslim honor killings. To contrast, in rape cases today, justice is upon the individual who committed the crime, not the people who live in proximity to the person. The response of Jacob's family was that the rape of Dinah was a crime against them and their family line.

Jacob renamed Israel, again ... and Jacob renames Bethel, again

Jacob, now with an army of women and children P.O.W.s, heads back to Bethel. He then confiscates their false gods, which they were holding in their hands (idols).

All the surrounding cities were scared of the sons of Jacob, and they did not want to pursue them. Along the way, God Himself appears to Jacob (He's a frequent visitor) and says that Jacob's name is no longer "Jacob," but Israel. Didn't we go over this before. Yes! After Jacob WRESTLED with GOD and WON! But for some reason, the name didn't stick, so God is renaming him again. Guess what? It still doesn't stick.

And when Jacob is in Bethel, he names it Bethel AGAIN, right before his wife Rachel dies. Isaac also dies, at the tender age of 180.