David asks for his wife, whom he'd originally bought for 200 foreskins

Above: David asks for his wife, whom he had paid 100 Philistine foreskins for.  

Oh wait, that's wrong - he actually paid 200.  From Sparklesdelicious

2 Samuel, Chapter 3 - This chapter is basically about the civil war between the up and coming House of David, and the ever-weakening House of Saul.  David has about seven wives by now, and is pumping out children like no other.  This news of giving birth to more children was probably great news in the Bronze Age; nowadays people wouldn't be nearly as excited.  In any case, I think the news of all these children is a sign that the House of David is gaining power, and is in favor with the big guy upstairs, also know as God or Yahweh.

Finally, Abner (the last of the House of David) asked for a truce between he and David.  David agrees, but with a very odd term.  Abner may not see David's face until he brings Michal, the daughter of Saul.  Michal was David's previous wife, whom he had actually bought for 200 Philistine foreskins (although it says 100 in this particular section), and then later "gave" her to a gentleman named Phaltiel.  So, Abner fetched Michal to give to David, and her husband Phaltiel followed behind crying.  That's just messed up.

Later, Abner is assassinated by the brother of Asahel, whom Abner had killed in the preceding chapter.  King David was pissed at this, and basically cursed the assassins for their deed.  He cursed them and all their descendants to a life of being poor lepers.

One of the worst punishments for not following Yahweh and the Levite priests' advice: You'll eat your own children!  Family value meals!  (Deuteronomy 28:53-55)

Deuteronomy 28 is a descent into madness.  Here's a basic rundown.

It starts off innocent enough.  If you follow Yahweh and listen to the advice of the priests, you (meaning 'the Israelites') will:

1. Be blessed in the city and in the field
2. be blessed in body, crops, livestock, and family
3. have your basket and store blessed
4. be blessed when you "come in and when you go out" - not sure what that means
5. find that Yahweh will defeat your enemies before you face them (they'll come against you one way and flee seven)
6. find that your storehouses have been blessed
7. be considered a holy person unto Yahweh Himself
8. AGAIN be blessed in body, crops, livestock, and family.
9. Have abundant crops due to good weather, other people will borrow from and owe you (not the other way around)
10. Be the head and not the tail.

But ... if you don't follow Yahweh and you actually go after "other gods" (insinuating of course that the Israelites believed in other gods!), then:

1. You will be cursed in the city and in the field
2. Your basket and store will be cursed
3. Your body, crops, livestock, and family will be cursed
4. You will be cursed when  you "come in and go out." - still have no idea what that means!
5. You will be sent in cursing, vexation, and rebuke in everything you do until you are dead
6. You'll get very sick with pestilence
7. You'll be smited with consumption, fever, inflammation, "an extreme burning", by sword, "the blasting", MILDEW, and Yahweh will pursue you until you die!!!
8. Heaven above will be brass, while the earth below is iron. (On top of all the other stuff, you get crappy weather too!)
9. Instead of rain, your crops will get powder and dust.
10. Your corpse will be eaten by vultures and other scavengers
11.  You'll get the botch of Egypt, hemorrhoids, scabs and itches that can't be healed, madness, blindness, and "astonishment of heart" (if numbers 6 and 7 weren't bad enough!)
12. You'll grope around during day and night, won't be prosperous (no shit!)
13. When you marry, other men will sleep with your wife
14. Your ox will be slain before your eyes, your donkeys will be "violently taken away before your eyes", your sheep will be given to your enemies
15. Your sons and daughters will be given away to other people; you'll look everywhere for them, but will not find them
16. You will not be prosperous at all (how many times do the priests threaten this?), and you will be oppressed by others
17. You'll go mad just at the sight of the things going on around you
18.  Your knees will be smited and you'll get a huge sore botch from the bottom of your feet to the top of your head.
19. You'll be ruled by a strange nation and worship their gods, wood, and stone.
20. You'll become a joke to your neighbors
21. Locusts will consume your crops; worms shall eat your vineyards
22. You'll have fruitless olive trees
23. You'll have sons and daughters but won't enjoy them because they'll go into captivity.
24. The strangers among you will rise up and rule
25. You'll serve your enemies hungry, thirsty, and naked, under a yoke of iron, until your dead.
26. Yahweh will send a fierce nation from the end of the earth, and this nation will eat your cattle, take the fruit of your land, he'll besiege your city and easily overtake it, and you'll BE FORCED TO EAT YOUR OWN FLESH AND YOUR OWN CHILDREN'S FLESH
27. Pretty women around you will turn an evil eye toward husband and eat her children
28. Mass plagues will destroy your people
29. The Israelites will be scattered around the world and follow other gods
30. The Israelites will be sold back to Egypt as slaves.

Wow!  The Levite priests went out of their way on this one.  I admit, the first time I read the Bible this chapter didn't stick.  Now it's the craziest chapter I've read, and I've read some crazy ones so far! You'd think that since so people listen to the advice of these ancient Bronze Age people today, that this stuff would be prevalent in society. 

 Don't uncover your father's skirt!

Deuteronomy Chapter 27 is another quick chapter.  Here's the basic message:

1. When you're passing Jordan and going into the land of milk and honey, build an altar of whole stones on Mount Ebal.
2. After burning offerings at the altar, write on the stones the following commandments.
3. First, Seimeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin should stand on Mt. Gerizim to bless the people.
4. Then Rueben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali should stand on Mt. Ebal to curse.  Who do they curse?  I don't know.
5. Don't make molten images, or display the works of craftsmen, or put such works in secret places.
6. Those who set light by their parents will be cursed.
7. Those who remove their neighbor's landmark shall be cursed.
8. People who make blind people wander out of the way shall be cursed.
9. Anyone who perverts a stranger's judgment shall be cursed.
10. Anyone who has sex with their father's wife will be cursed because he "uncovered his father's skirt??".
11. Anyone who has sex with an animal ... you guessed it.  Cursed!
12. Sex with sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother.  Cursed!
13. Anyone who has sex with his mother-in-law shall be cursed.
14. Anyone who "secretly smites his neighbor" shall be cursed.
15. Anyone who does not confirm these laws is also cursed.

Okay, big problems here.  What a incoherent group of laws!  And why carve it into some rocks at an altar on top of a mountain?

And, isn't a person who causes blind people to wander out of the way simply "an asshole"?  Cursing people doesn't do anything. 

And how is having sex with the father's wife "uncovering the father's skirt"?  Is it because the father's wife is actually the father's property?  More than likely!

Rule 15 is the clincher.  It hermetically seals the deal.  But I would argue that anyone who does not confirm these laws is actually wise. 

Last time, we discussed the Israelites conquest of the Amorites - which was more like bloody massacre. Numbers, Chapter 22 is about the Moabites.

After witnessing the aftermath of what the Israelites have done, the Moabites are understandably afraid of these new people who have come from Egypt. In response, the Moabites sent a delegation of princes to the nearby land of Pethor, to enlist the help of a wizard. It doesn't actually say "wizard", but I guess that's what he is.

"Balaam, please come to Moab and lay a curse on the Israelites. Those guys are friggin' crazy! They just slaughtered off the Amorites!!!" said the messengers. Oh yea, don't go looking for those exact words in the Bible - I'm just adding a little spice.

Balaam apparently also worships Yahweh, and tells the delegation to spend the night while he consults Yahweh's opinion on the matter. Yahweh, who modern-day worshippers insist is all-knowing, asks Balaam, "Who are these guys that are with you tonight?"

Balaam explains the situation, and Yahweh tells him that he shouldn't curse the Israelites, because they are blessed. The next morning Balaam explains to the princes why he can't go with them.

In response, the Moabites send even higher ranking princes with gold and silver to purchase Balaam's skills. He invites the delegation to spend the night while he consults Yahweh again. This time, Yahweh says, "Look, go ahead and go with them if they call on you. Just do what I tell you to do."

So, the next morning Balaam gets on his donkey and follows the princes back to the land of Moab. But for some reason, this gets Yahweh angry! "And God's anger was kindled when he left ..." That's what it actually says! Yahweh just told him to go with them, and then gets pissed when Balaam does just that!

An angry Yahweh sends an angel to block his path (apparently the princes were not with him on the road to Moab). Yahweh does this three times, and three times Balaam strikes the donkey for trying to go around the angel. It would seem that the donkey is more reasonable then Balaam, unless you realize that only the donkey can see the angel. And the angel doesn't seem to intent on stopping them, either. He just stands in the path, and Balaam and the donkey goes around him.

On the third time, the angel is standing between two walls and there's no way past. So, the donkey lays down and Balaam strikes the donkey for the third time. The donkey looks back at Balaam, open his buck-toothed mouth, and says, "Why the hell do you keep hitting me, man? Can't you see I'm trying to avoid running into one of the Almighty's soldiers?"

And finally, Balaam sees the angel.

Anyways, Balaam finally gets to Moab, where Yahweh apparently "puts a word in his mouth".

Balaam tells the Moabite royalty basically that Yahweh's on the side of the Israelites, and that He sent him to bless the Israelites; not curse them. "Yahweh's not just some man, he's a god, and He brought the Israelites out of Egypt," said Balaam. "Yahweh's got the strength of a unicorn."

A unicorn?!? Unicorns are pretty strong, I'd imagine; but omnipotent? Or is Yahweh just pretty strong? If that's the case, that explains why Jacob was able to beat Yahweh in a wrestling match.

Balaam continues, "Behold, the people shall rise up as a great lion, and lift up himself as a young lion: he shall not lie down until he eat of the prey, and drink the blood of the slain."

So now the Moabites realize that not even their precious magician Balaam is on their side, so they try one last negotiating trick. "Well, how about if you neither curse them or bless them?"

Balaam probably threw his hands up and said, "Hey, Yahweh wants me to do it. What can I do?"

And so, in Chapter 24, Balaam blesses the people of Israel. He concludes the blessing, "God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. He couched, he lay down as a lion, and as a great lion: who shall stir him up? Blessed is he that blesseth thee, and cursed is he that curseth thee."

The Moabites are pissed, but the deed has been done.

Next time, Yahweh kills 24,000 Israelites!