David asks for his wife, whom he'd originally bought for 200 foreskins

Above: David asks for his wife, whom he had paid 100 Philistine foreskins for.  

Oh wait, that's wrong - he actually paid 200.  From Sparklesdelicious

2 Samuel, Chapter 3 - This chapter is basically about the civil war between the up and coming House of David, and the ever-weakening House of Saul.  David has about seven wives by now, and is pumping out children like no other.  This news of giving birth to more children was probably great news in the Bronze Age; nowadays people wouldn't be nearly as excited.  In any case, I think the news of all these children is a sign that the House of David is gaining power, and is in favor with the big guy upstairs, also know as God or Yahweh.

Finally, Abner (the last of the House of David) asked for a truce between he and David.  David agrees, but with a very odd term.  Abner may not see David's face until he brings Michal, the daughter of Saul.  Michal was David's previous wife, whom he had actually bought for 200 Philistine foreskins (although it says 100 in this particular section), and then later "gave" her to a gentleman named Phaltiel.  So, Abner fetched Michal to give to David, and her husband Phaltiel followed behind crying.  That's just messed up.

Later, Abner is assassinated by the brother of Asahel, whom Abner had killed in the preceding chapter.  King David was pissed at this, and basically cursed the assassins for their deed.  He cursed them and all their descendants to a life of being poor lepers.

Abner kills Asahel.  From Johann Christoff Weigel, 1695

Chapter 2 is basically about the aftermath and all the ensuing drama from the power vacuum left over after King Saul's untimely death on the battlefield against the Philistines.  

David was made King over Judah, but some of Saul's family and followers did not like this.  For instance, a general named Abner went and installed Saul's son Ishbosheth as the king over Jezreel,Gilead, Ephraim, Benjamin, and over the Ashurites.  Abner was the captain of the deceased Saul's army.

Abner then took some men and went down to a place called Gibeon, where some of the newly installed King David's followers sought him out, under a general named Joab.  It seems that Joab and Abner were trying to negotiate some sort of compromise.  The meeting was an odd one, because at some point Abner said, "Let the young men rise, and play before us."  Joab told them to arise, and the "game" they played was something more like the Romans' version of decimation, but instead all died.  Or maybe the King James Bible wasn't written clearly, and this was just meant to be more like a gladiatorial fight.

Anyhow, twelve young men for each side got up, grabbed the head of his opponent and then thrust his sword into his opponent's side, so that all 24 of them fell down in unison.

A battle ensued between the two armies, and after realizing that the battle would be won by Joab, Abner tries to make his escape.  One of Joab's lieutenants, Asahel, sees this escape attempt and pursues Abner.  , Abner winds up having to kill Asahel (pictured above) with the blunt end of his spear.

My personal thoughts on this chapter is just to marvel once again at level of detail offered by the book's authors, and also how interesting it is for us to have this little window into the minds of these Bronze Age people.

David Kills All the Amalekites - Again (1 Samuel, Chapter 27)

David slaughtering Amalekites.  From Bible Encyclopedia.

In this chapter, David is still worried about King Saul, and is essentially scared that Saul is going to kill him.  That's right.  He's still paranoid about Saul even after sparing Saul's life and Saul admitting that David is favored by their god Yahweh.

So, David fled with his 600 men, went into Philistine and - as usual - embarked on a campaign of slaughtering other tribes.  Among these tribes that were slaughtered were the Amalekites, whom if  you remember were already slaughtered by Saul just a few chapters back.

And that got me to thinking - why all this animosity toward the Amalekites?!? Who were they?  Well, after some research it seems they were from the same ethnic group as the Hebrews, but their tribe was probably much more ancient.  However, the animosity apparently comes from the legends surrounding the Israelites return from slavery under the Egyptians.  While on their Exodus, the Amalekites attacked them, and ever since then the Amalekites have been vilified by the Israelites.

I guess this animosity towards the Amalekites keeps manifesting in Israelite writing in the form of them being utterly annihilated - again and again and again.  I suspect there will be more Amalekite slaughtering in the chapters and books ahead, even though it says quite clearly here "And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive ..."

If you remember from previous chapters, the same thing is always said about the Israelite's massacres and genocides.

David loses one wife, while collecting two more (1 Samuel, Chapter 25)

Abigail meets David and gives him an "assload" of supplies.  Image from Grace Doctrine.

The events of this chapter occur shortly after the prophet Samuel passes away.  It's about how David collects two wives at the same time.

In the town of Maon, a rich man named Nabal and his wife Abigail lived.  Nabal owned 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats.  David heard that Nabal was shearing his sheep, so he sent some men over to demand that Nabal give to David whatever he has.  Their justification: they never harmed or insulted Nabal's shepherds!

Nabal says no, because he basically never heard of David before; and this pisses off David!  David complained that he and his men guarded Nabal's possessions in the desert and this is how he gets repaid - the nerve of the man.  David then began cursing Nabal and his men.  Apparently, one of the worst curses in the Bronze Age is to accuse the enemy of "pissing against the wall".  As he tells his men to strap on their swords, David says this, which is a puzzling insult to us Homo sapiens living in the 21st century: "May God curse me and worse if I leave alive a single of his men that piss against the wall!"

On the way to wreak havoc on Maon, one of Nabal's servants did confirm to Nabal's wife that David's men were nice to them.  So, she (Abigail) collects 200 loaves of bread, two wine skins, five prepared sheep, five bags of roasted grain, 100 bunches of raisins, and 200 figs and loads them on a donkey.  She meets David with literally an assload of provisions and this satisifies David. She didn't tell Nabal that she would do this.

Later, after a night of partying, Nabal wakes up sober and that's when Abigail breaks the news about what she did.  I guess the news was so heart-breaking that Nabal died of a heart attack, and then ten days later Yahweh finishes the job.

After he dies, David takes Abigail as his own wife, and then another wife named Ahinoam of Jezreel.  Wow!  I don't understand the nuances of this, but I guess Saul takes David's first wife and gives her to another man.  Maybe Saul has some sort of special privilege where he can just take a man's wife and give her to someone else?

In any case, it's a very interesting read and a very weird story.

Yahweh Chooses A New King (1 Samuel, Chapter 16)

Samuel anoints David.  Image from Wikipedia  

Chapter 16 is an interesting chapter.  It's about how Yahweh (God) chooses a new king, largely because the previous king (Saul) did not kill everyone and everything as he was commanded.  This chapter has some contradictions and just overall foolishness.

It starts with God asking Samuel how long he's going to mourn over the loss of Saul as king, because God has someone else in mind and would like to get moving on this new project.  God's idea is to get one of "Jesse's" sons.  I'm not sure who Jesse is.  The author of this chapter must be one of those people who brings up people's names in conversations whom the listener doesn't know but is expected to know.  

Samuel is worried because if he tells Saul that he is no longer king, then Saul might just kill Samuel.  So, God comes up with a clever plan.  First, the "spirit" of God left Saul, and God instead replaces this spirit with an "evil spirit."  The spirit of God had went into David after Samuel anointed him a little earlier in the chapter.

Later, Saul (who apparently hasn't been told yet that he's no longer king) is sitting around his court with an evil spirit inside him, and decides that he wants a musician.  He hears that Jesse's son David is a great harp player, and that God is with him too. Oh, the irony!  He doesn't realize that the God is LITERALLY with David!

So, David shows up and plays harp for Saul.  While David is playing the "evil spirit from God" LEAVES Saul because of David's astounding harp playing.  Saul absolutely loves David, and becomes an instant fan. 

The chapter ends here, but the contradiction is that here we see that Saul knows who David is.  But, in the next chapter, Saul completely forgets who David is!  It's things like this why scholars over the years think that each book of the Bible may have multiple authors, who were using other texts that said slightly different things.  In this case, it's like watching Metallica play and then falling in love with their music, but shortly afterward completely forgetting who they are.

Should Saul's Son Die Because He Ate Honey? (1 Samuel, Chapter 14)

Archaeologists think these two rocks at Michmach Gorge (forefront), are the rocks named Bozez and Seneh, mentioned in this chapter.  

From LifeInTheHolyLand.com

In this chapter, we're faced with an interesting question.  If a rule is made, but someone who didn't hear the rule breaks it, should that person be punished? 

In this chapter, Saul's son Jonathan and perhaps 600 men secretly leave to go wreak havoc among the Philistines.  As Jonathan made his way to the Philistines, the text mentions him passing through two rocks called Bozez and Seneh (see photo above). 

I like how the author played up the conflict.  On the one hand, the Israelites call the Philistines "the uncircumcised".  On the other, the Philistines seem to refer to the Israelites as rats.  "Look," says one Philistine, "the Israelites have come out of the holes in which they've been hiding."

The short battle, affectionately called Jonathan's "first slaughter", resulted in 20 dead Philistines in a one-half acre area.  The Israelite God (Yahweh) was very pleased at this turn of events and caused an earthquake.

This victory enthused the Israelites so much that they joined Saul and Jonathan in the fight against the Philistines, and wreaked plenty of destruction and shed much blood. 

It is here that Saul makes an oath, "Any man who eats before the evening will be cursed, so I can avenge my enemies."  The problem is, at the time of this decree, Saul's son Jonathan was not around.

While Jonathan was out slaughtering Philistines, he had eaten some honey.  (1 Samuel 14:27)

Later on, when Jonathan heard of this decree, he was convinced that he had to die.  Saul was even convinced!  However, the Israelites loved Jonathan so much because of his battlefield victories they asked that he not be sacrificed.

After the Philistines are put into their place, the Israelites take over Israel and continue fighting (and slaughtering) the other tribes - Moabites, Ammonites, Ebonites, the kings of Zobah, and even their old friends the Amalekites. 

Samuel Rebukes Paul (1 Samuel, Chapter 13)

Samuel gets pissed at Saul for being impatient and offering a sacrifice too soon.  From Outset Ministry

I guess old Saul started getting a little power hungry, or he was starting to displease the clergy.  Chapter 13 starts off with Saul sending troops to take out the Philistine garrison in nearby Geba.  Naturally, Philistines in surrounding areas were pissed after hearing about this, and started raising an army against the Israelites.

The Israelites were starting to panic, and started hiding all over the place: in caves, in forests, wherever.  Those who were with Saul stayed with him, though they too were a little scared.  Of course, Saul did what any Bronze Age ruler would do when the odds were stacked against him.  He gathered a bunch of animals, and offered them up as a sacrifice.

When finally Samuel came around, he approached Saul and told him he screwed up big time.  What was his big mistake?  Aside from starting another war with the Philistines, Samuel made the burnt offerings too soon.  I know what you're thinking.  GASP!  How could he?!?

Samuel said that Yahweh must have made a mistake.  Even after all the signs which pointed to Saul, apparently he was the wrong guy!  Samuel says, "But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee."

This is a prelude to a future chapter.  After showing that he was willing to take matters into his own hands, and not consult the clergy, the real powermongers (the clergy) decided that Saul was not the easily controlled puppet whom they thought he'd be.  That's just my reading of it.  They will eventually bring in another king, who will be far more pious then Saul.

The Coronotion of Saul (1 Samuel, Chapter 10)

Saul preaching at Ramah.    Credit: By David Martin (1639-1721).This painting is more than 100 years old.

The most interesting thing about reading the Bible is marveling how simple its authors are.  We really get a feel for what impresses them.  We come across obvious errors in the text, which are irreconcilable to the dogma that the Bible is "inerrant".

Chapter 10 is basically about Yahweh's plan to make Saul more credible as a candidate for king.  The fact that Yahweh picked Saul Himself seems to escape the Israelites, who like most people just want a credible person to be in charge.

Using Miracles to Affect Politics

First, Saul has to be convinced so a series of signs happen to help him.  First, he will meet "two men by Rachel's sepulchre" who will speculate on Saul's father, feeling bad for his sons loss of sheep.  Second, he will come across three men, who will give him two loaves and some wine. Then, a public sign is practically staged so that the people will see Saul as being worthy of the crown.  This involves Saul prophesying in the company of 100 prophets.

All these signs happen in order, and when he prophesies with the 100 prophets, the people are impressed.  They ask themselves, "Is Saul also among the prophets?"

Biblical Errancy

Right here is where I want to point out one of the inerrancies.  Later on, in 1 Samuel 19:24, is another story that is supposed to be the origin of the rumor that Saul is a prophet.  The story is completely different, and involves him lying around naked!

Anyways, later on the Israelite tribes vote for a king, and when Saul is selected he is nowhere to be found.  The Israelites asked Yahweh where Saul is, and Yahweh says, "Behold, he has hid himself among the stuff."

Read that again.  I thought that was kind of funny.

Finally, when Saul is found, he stands taller than the rest of the Israelites "from his shoulders upward."  Here, we can see how being tall is an impressive trait to the Israelites.  It still is today!  While the author seems to be using Saul's height as a justification for his kingship, no one can deny that tall height is a desirable characteristic.  

The only people who don't seem to dig Saul are the children of Belial, who grumble among themselves asking, "How will this man save us?"  Their feelings toward Saul were apparently strong enough for them to not give him a coronation gift.

Mention of a Possible Lost Book

Of particular interest is mention of a possible lost book; another Book of Samuel.  Chapter 10:25: "Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and wrote it in a book."