King David slaughters and loots from his enemies

King David massacres the Philistines and the Moabites.  Image from BibleStudyOutlines.org

2 Samuel, Chapter 8 - This chapter again reiterates King David's ongoing slaughter of the Philistines and Moabites.  One interesting piece of data is his maiming of captured horses, after securing 1000 chariots and 700 horsemen.

It also should be noted that those 700 horsemen is a disputed number, because in 1 Chronicles 18:4, it says David actually took 7,000 horsemen.  Maybe it's a recording error, but that just goes to show the problems inherent to these ancient documents.

David then goes on to slay the Syrians, to the tune of 22,000 men!

From all his conquests, he gathered plenty of loot, including the golden shields of the servants of Hadadezar.

So, way to go David!  At this point of the Bible, he's really kicking ass!

Assaulting the Jebusites and Philistines (2 Samuel, Chapter 5)

While waiting in the mulberry trees, King David and his troops awaits the sound of God 

moving through the trees before advancing upon the hapless Philistines.

Image from the Jim Bakker Show Blog

2 Samuel, Chapter 5 - This chapter is about King David rousing his troops and the subsequent assaults and victories on the Jebusites and the Philistines, along with some of the repression done by the Israelites to keep these people in line.

It starts off with some grumbling from the Jebusites, who are not a fan of David and don't want him around.  So, David takes the Jebusite stronghold of Zion, which becomes the City of David.  He rallies the people to his cause, saying in the eighth verse: "Whoever gets out of the gutter and kills the Jebusites, and the lame and blind whom I hate, that person shall be made a captain (in the army)."

As King David established his kingdom and it grew, David gathers more wives and concubines.  In other words, David has his own harem!  It doesn't say how many, but they started getting pregnant real quick.

Word of King David's rising kingdom came to the nearby Philistines, who decided to seek him out.  It isn't clear in the King James version if they were seeking him out for military means, or just to meet the new king. But what happens is that after the Philistines come and camp in the nearby valley of Rephaim, David inquires in Yahweh (aka God) what he should do.  Yahweh, of course, wants David to slaughter all the Philistines.  God and David both destroy the Philistines in the valley of Rephaim.

However, more Philistines came and once again camped in the valley.  So, God lets David in on a bit of strategy.  He advises David and his troops to go around the Philistine encampment into a grove of mulberry trees, there to await "the sound of a going" in the tops of the mulberry trees (5:23).  David follows the advice and waits patiently until indeed a rustling was heard in the trees.  He gave the orders to advance upon the Philistines and left death in his wake.

More Bronze Age Bloodshed (2 Samuel, Chapter 4)

Above: Rechab and Baanah bring the head of Ishbosheth to King David.

From www.keyway.ca

(2 Samuel, Chapter 4) - Once again, I am simply astounded by the mentality of people living in the Bronze Age.  As a fan of archaeology, the glimpse of the mindset of these ancient peoples, as offered throughout the Old Testament, is a priceless treasure.  It's just unfortunate that people today STILL take this as a guide of moral truth.

In the aftermath of the fall of King Saul, much of the people comprising the House of Saul have fled or have been killed.  Ishbosheth was the king who was installed by the general from the House of Saul named Abner, to rule over lands still loyal to the House of Saul.  If you recall, Abner was assassinated in the previous chapter, and King David was angry about this assassination, cursing the assassins and their progeny to a life of poverty and leprosy.

This chapter has a similar story.  Two assassins, Rechab and Baanah, whom I believe used to be captains in Saul's army, assassinated the newly installed King Ishbosheth, in the hopes of getting in the good graces of King David.  They cut off the head of Ishbosheth and approached King David with the head. David was not happy with this assassination, and had his own men kill the two, and then cut off their hands and feet and hang them over a pool in Hebron.  He also had the head of Ishbosheth buried in a sepulcher there, as well.

David asks for his wife, whom he'd originally bought for 200 foreskins

Above: David asks for his wife, whom he had paid 100 Philistine foreskins for.  

Oh wait, that's wrong - he actually paid 200.  From Sparklesdelicious

2 Samuel, Chapter 3 - This chapter is basically about the civil war between the up and coming House of David, and the ever-weakening House of Saul.  David has about seven wives by now, and is pumping out children like no other.  This news of giving birth to more children was probably great news in the Bronze Age; nowadays people wouldn't be nearly as excited.  In any case, I think the news of all these children is a sign that the House of David is gaining power, and is in favor with the big guy upstairs, also know as God or Yahweh.

Finally, Abner (the last of the House of David) asked for a truce between he and David.  David agrees, but with a very odd term.  Abner may not see David's face until he brings Michal, the daughter of Saul.  Michal was David's previous wife, whom he had actually bought for 200 Philistine foreskins (although it says 100 in this particular section), and then later "gave" her to a gentleman named Phaltiel.  So, Abner fetched Michal to give to David, and her husband Phaltiel followed behind crying.  That's just messed up.

Later, Abner is assassinated by the brother of Asahel, whom Abner had killed in the preceding chapter.  King David was pissed at this, and basically cursed the assassins for their deed.  He cursed them and all their descendants to a life of being poor lepers.

David Acts Insane to Escape From Saul's Anger (1 Samuel, Chapter 21)

David acts insane, letting drool dribble over his beard and onto the ground, and begins pounding his fists into the floor.  

This image is from the Brick Testament, which is a hilarious source for Biblical material.

Over the time I've been reading the Bible again, I've learned that approaching the Bible strictly as a "moral code" is ridiculous, and that's just the wrong way to look at it.  It's also wrong to take it seriously or literally.  I suspect that's why so many Christians don't want to read the Bible from cover to cover; because shortly after the first two verses of Genesis, it loses credibility as a tale about reality and so we'd rather just hear the preacher's explanation instead.

However, if we look at it as a source of entertainment, where we can read about some really interesting behavior, the Bible is great.  Sure, it's badly written, but once we stop taking it seriously, ironically it becomes easy to read.  The cognitive dissonance goes away.

In this chapter of 1 Samuel, David is afraid of King Saul's wrath.  If we remember, David is seen as something of a war hero because he killed Goliath on the battlefield.  Now, he is seen as being chosen by God Himself.  King Saul recognizes this and basically wants to kill David before he becomes a threat to his power.

David runs away, and in this chapter he even approaches the enemies of Israel (the kingdom of Gath) to escape from Saul.  But some people in Gath recognized David since he was famous by that time, and called him out on it.  He then acted like a madman, scribbling on some gates, drooling, and hitting the ground with his fists, just so they'd think he WASN'T David!

For some reason, he thought that if he acted like a mad man, they'd change their mind and protect him from Saul.

The chapter closes with Achish, who is the king of Gath, asking, "Have I need of madmen, that you brought this guy to me?"

Perhaps madmen were treated as entertainment back then?  Or was he just being sarcastic?  I guess we'll find out next time.

Yahweh Chooses A New King (1 Samuel, Chapter 16)

Samuel anoints David.  Image from Wikipedia  

Chapter 16 is an interesting chapter.  It's about how Yahweh (God) chooses a new king, largely because the previous king (Saul) did not kill everyone and everything as he was commanded.  This chapter has some contradictions and just overall foolishness.

It starts with God asking Samuel how long he's going to mourn over the loss of Saul as king, because God has someone else in mind and would like to get moving on this new project.  God's idea is to get one of "Jesse's" sons.  I'm not sure who Jesse is.  The author of this chapter must be one of those people who brings up people's names in conversations whom the listener doesn't know but is expected to know.  

Samuel is worried because if he tells Saul that he is no longer king, then Saul might just kill Samuel.  So, God comes up with a clever plan.  First, the "spirit" of God left Saul, and God instead replaces this spirit with an "evil spirit."  The spirit of God had went into David after Samuel anointed him a little earlier in the chapter.

Later, Saul (who apparently hasn't been told yet that he's no longer king) is sitting around his court with an evil spirit inside him, and decides that he wants a musician.  He hears that Jesse's son David is a great harp player, and that God is with him too. Oh, the irony!  He doesn't realize that the God is LITERALLY with David!

So, David shows up and plays harp for Saul.  While David is playing the "evil spirit from God" LEAVES Saul because of David's astounding harp playing.  Saul absolutely loves David, and becomes an instant fan. 

The chapter ends here, but the contradiction is that here we see that Saul knows who David is.  But, in the next chapter, Saul completely forgets who David is!  It's things like this why scholars over the years think that each book of the Bible may have multiple authors, who were using other texts that said slightly different things.  In this case, it's like watching Metallica play and then falling in love with their music, but shortly afterward completely forgetting who they are.

Boaz purchases Ruth as a wife (Ruth, Chapter 4) - I remember when I first got married, and my wife's father gave her to me.  Though the ritual is largely symbolic these days, we shouldn't remember the tradition from which it came.  In the past, wives truly were the property of the husband.

Ruth, the Moabitess, was a widow.  However, and if I'm wrong someone please correct me, it seems she was still technically the property of her dead husband.  But, since he was dead Ruth was under the care of her dead husband's mother (Naomi).  In order for Boaz to marry her, because he did love her, he basically had to purchase her from Naomi, and to sweeten the deal he purchased Naomi's crops and basically all the belongings of both Naomi and Ruth's dead husbands (who were the true owners).

What happens next is utterly ridiculous.  Ruth and Boaz get married, and they have a son named Obed, who will later be the father of King David.  Naomi, who is too old to conceive, assists in the raising of her "grandson" by nursing him.  Naomi's not really a grandmother, of course.  Because Ruth got married to a new man, Naomi has no claim to the child.

She's just an old friend - a really old friend who happens to be able to produce milk at an advanced age!