A nonbeliever's SECOND reading of the Bible

A nonbeliever's SECOND reading of the Bible
Hunc tu caveto.

Thursday, August 20, 2009




Exodus 21 through 23

I'm just going to lay out some of my favorite laws in these chapters.

Slavery

  • If you buy a Hebrew slave, you must free him on his seventh year. Other slaves are screwed.

  • If you gave your slave a wife while he was a slave and she has kids, the wife and children belong to the master. I don't have to say anything about this one.
  • If you sell your daughter into slavery and she doesn't please her master, then the master can sell her in a "strange nation". Basically, if you need some extra cash, SELL YOUR DAUGHTER INTO SLAVERY!
  • The master should be punished if he beats his slave so severely that he or she dies, or is out of commission for longer than a day. Otherwise, no biggy.
  • If you beat your slave so severely he loses an eye or a tooth, then you have to free your slave.

Family Values

  • If you're child hits you; kill him!
  • If you're child cusses at you; KILL HIM!
  • If you seduce a woman to have sex with you, you have to marry her. But if her father is against the marriage, you must pay her the market price for virgins.
  • Be kind to strangers, widows, and orphans. If not, God will not only kill you, but make your wife a widow and your child an orphan (duh).
  • Give your firstborn son to God ... child sacrifice???

Animals

  • If an ox kills someone, STONE the ox! If the ox's owner lies about the ox being aggressive in the past, stone him too!
  • If you dig a pit, and an ox falls and dies in it; the dead animal is your's!
  • Don't boil a baby goat in its mother's milk

Other stuff

  • You shouldn't worship other people's gods. In fact, you should overthrow them!
  • Fellow Israelites don't get an interest rate when you loan to them, but foreigners - charging interest is okay

A few good things

  • Don't do what others do if you think it's wrong
  • If you witness an enemy's livestock wandering astray; you should bring it back to him.
  • Be honest, and don't kill innocent people.
  • Help out poor people

No comments: