A nonbeliever's SECOND reading of the Bible

A nonbeliever's SECOND reading of the Bible
Hunc tu caveto.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Exodus 21 through 23

I'm just going to lay out some of my favorite laws in these chapters.


  • If you buy a Hebrew slave, you must free him on his seventh year. Other slaves are screwed.

  • If you gave your slave a wife while he was a slave and she has kids, the wife and children belong to the master. I don't have to say anything about this one.
  • If you sell your daughter into slavery and she doesn't please her master, then the master can sell her in a "strange nation". Basically, if you need some extra cash, SELL YOUR DAUGHTER INTO SLAVERY!
  • The master should be punished if he beats his slave so severely that he or she dies, or is out of commission for longer than a day. Otherwise, no biggy.
  • If you beat your slave so severely he loses an eye or a tooth, then you have to free your slave.

Family Values

  • If you're child hits you; kill him!
  • If you're child cusses at you; KILL HIM!
  • If you seduce a woman to have sex with you, you have to marry her. But if her father is against the marriage, you must pay her the market price for virgins.
  • Be kind to strangers, widows, and orphans. If not, God will not only kill you, but make your wife a widow and your child an orphan (duh).
  • Give your firstborn son to God ... child sacrifice???


  • If an ox kills someone, STONE the ox! If the ox's owner lies about the ox being aggressive in the past, stone him too!
  • If you dig a pit, and an ox falls and dies in it; the dead animal is your's!
  • Don't boil a baby goat in its mother's milk

Other stuff

  • You shouldn't worship other people's gods. In fact, you should overthrow them!
  • Fellow Israelites don't get an interest rate when you loan to them, but foreigners - charging interest is okay

A few good things

  • Don't do what others do if you think it's wrong
  • If you witness an enemy's livestock wandering astray; you should bring it back to him.
  • Be honest, and don't kill innocent people.
  • Help out poor people

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