Amalekites - the first zombies? (1 Samuel Chapter 30)

Above: Fighting the Amalekites 

For some reason, ALL my photos and images were removed from this and other blogs.  So, I was a bit discouraged for a bit.  But, the show must go on.


1 Samuel, Chapter 30 - This chapter is like the cherry on the cake for 1 Samuel.  The Amalekites, who have been exterminated TWICE in this book (Chapters 15 and 17), show up again and get exterminated completely yet again.

The chapter opens up with an invasion from the Amalekites, who assault the town of Ziklag where David lives, and even make off with David's two wives as prisoners.  Apparently the people in the town also want to stone David because while everyone was distraught because of their sons and daughters, David had steeled himself in his relationship with Yahweh (aka God).  I know what you're thinking; that's not a good reason to stone someone. But remember, this is the Bronze Age, folks!  This is like the Wild West on steroids.

Well, David gets a hold of the priestly vest called an "ephod", dons it, and after encountering a starving Egyptian, commences to slaughter the Amalekites one more time, with only 400 men I might add!

So why, and how, do the Amalekites keep returning?  I haven't a clue.  Simple logic tells me that someone is bullshitting me here.  But let us assume the Bible is accurate and can not be questioned, which seems to be the main reason why religion is so strong in our society in the first place.

If they were killed, but came back a second time, obviously they must not have died.  But if they were killed a second time, and came back - I don't know about you, but you know what I think?

Zombies!!!

Zombies aren't that far-fetched for that era.  The Epic of Gilgamesh, which actually predates much of the Old Testament, and was probably the model for much of its earlier mythology (i.e. the Creation and Flood myths), writes this:

I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld,

I will smash the door posts, and leave the doors flat down,

and will let the dead go up to eat the living!

And the dead will outnumber the living!

And I don't know about you - but I can't wait until The Walking Dead starts up again this October!

Image from Light4Us Blog

Gideon vs. the Midianites (Judges Chapter 6) - Right off the bat, I've come across yet another contradiction.  Remember in the Book of Numbers when the Israelites took out ALL of the Midianite men? (Numbers 31:7)  Well, they're back and they've become such a nuisance that Judges Ch. 6 is basically dedicated to their destruction - again.

This time the protagonist is a young man named Gideon.  While chilling under an oak tree (I'm reading King James version so I think that's what it's saying), Yahweh sends angel down to tell Gideon that he is chosen to be the Israelite's Next Top Warrior. 

Gideon, being skeptical said he's just a poor man, how can he be a warrior?  Yahweh says He's on Gideon's side, and He will personally help Gideon massacre the Midianites.  As proof that it is really Him, Yahweh cooks flesh and unleavened bread on a rock.  Apparently, fire came out of the rock.  I guess that must have been pretty cool back then.

So what did the Midianites do exactly?  Apparently, they retaliated against the Israelites for all of their previous acts.  They took their livestock and supplies, and rose up against the Israelites.

So Gideon and the Israelites counter-attack, tear down a statue of Baal, and this angers the Midianite and other non-Yahwehists.  The Israelites actually make a good skeptical argument.  Basically, they say, "If Baal is real, let him plead for himself.  If he is a god, let him retaliate."  

And, nothing happens.

Toward the end Gideon is still skeptical toward Yahweh and asks for more signs.  Apparently, cooking food on a rock wasn't as spectacular as we originally thought!  Well, it gets worse.  The sign Gideon asks for is utterly ridiculous.  He puts some sheepskin on the ground, and tells Yahweh that if the dew is only on the wool and not on the surrounding ground, THEN he will believe Yahweh's promise to him.

Actually, given Yahweh's reckless behavior in the past, I'd be pretty skeptical about his "promises" too.  I probably wouldn't resort to these odd requests, though.  I think I'd just be happy if Yahweh talked to people normally, in a language (like English) that wouldn't destroy us.