The Tribe of Benjamin's emblem.

Image from S.S. Teacher Edition: Holy Bible, 1896

Keeping up the Benjamins (Judges, Chapter 21) - Prior to Chapter 20, the Israelites had formed a loose confederation of 12 tribes which were ruled by a council of judges.  After the events of Chapter 20 at the Battle of Gibeah, the tribe of Benjamin was decimated because they had tried to either kill, or gangrape, one of the other Israelite men, a Levite.   It's not clear whether they wanted to kill or gangrape him, but it sounds similar to the story of Noah and I'm leaning toward gangrape.

Instead, the Benjamite men gangraped the man's concubine.  After the gangrape, the Israelite man cut his wife up into pieces and sent the pieces to different parts of the confederation of tribes, and the tribes responded by basically destroying the Benjamins.  If you look at a map of the 12 tribes of Israel, the Benjamins (Benjaminites?) were a little smudge right smack in the middle of all the other tribes!  Though, they did have the city of Jerusalem within their boundaries.

After the civil war, the remnants of the Benjamites were allowed to live on, but all their women and children had been exterminated.  Since none of the Israelites wanted to give their daughters to be wives to the Benjamites, the judges  decided to give the Benjamites a parting gift -which was to essentially invade neighboring tribes, annihilate their entire population save for women "who had not lain with man".

And that's what Chapter 21 is all about - the decision and the carrying out of a mission.  Invade nearby Jabeshgilead, destroy the population, and take their virgin daughters as wives for the Benjamites.

Again, we are confronted with a stark contrast to what modern day religionists try to portray their God to be - the origin of morality.  By far, what we are witnessing in the Old Testament is merely the record-keeping of an ancient culture - a primary source.  The OT is valuable in that sense, as it preserves the odd behaviors, superstitions, and hangups of at least one group of our ancient ancestors - those men who lived long ago in the arid lands which we now associate with Israel.

Now, on to the Book of Ruth, which promises to be a mercifully short book.

Israelites Respond to Women's Dismemberment with Civil War (Judges, Chapter 20) - After the parts of the concubine reach the various regions of Israel, the Israelites gather up and ask the man responsible, "What the hell did you do this for?!?"

They actually said something a little mild, recorded in the King James Bible as "How was this wickedness?"

The man who carved up his concubine responded that while he was staying in Gibeah (a Benjamite town), the house was surrounded by the men of the town who apparently wanted to kill him (or rape him).  Instead, he gave up his concubine to be raped by the Benjamites. After the ordeal, he naturally carved her up and sent her pieces to all of Israel to let everyone know about what happened.

The Israelites gathered a 400,000 man army.  The Benjamites only had a 26,000 man army, plus 700 left-handed slingers.  These slingers apparently could aim at a hair and hit it.  That's right - sniper slingers.

On the first charge against the Benjamites, the Israelites lost 22,000 men.  The second time they lost 18,000 men, despite the okay by God Himself.  It wasn't until a hard-fought third charge that the Israelites managed to rout the Benjamites and when that happened, they went into the Benjamite cities and slaughtered everyone, including their livestock.

And that's how an entire tribe of people were slaughtered because: 1) an Israelite man almost got murdered or raped by a mob people; 2) the Israelite man offered his concubine to be raped by the mob; and 3)after the gangrape, the Israelite man carved up the woman and sent her body parts to various sections of Israelite territory.

Any questions?

The Rape at Bethlehemjudah (Judges 19) - By far, this story is probably the most grotesque chapter I've read yet.  It doesn't involve the slaughter of thousands, but involves the gangrape of [almost] two women.  As Joseph Stalin said, "You kill one man (or gangrape one women), it is a tragedy.  You kill 10 million, it is a statistic."

What is even worse is the implication at the end of the chapter that what happens is moral.  Verse 19:30 says, "... consider it, take advice, and speak your minds."  I invite you to speak your mind as well.

Essentially, this is what happens in Judges 19.  A Levite man and his concubine seek shelter at the house of an old man and his virgin daughter.  In a story almost eerily similar to that of Lot, a group of horny dudes surround their home and demand to have sex with the old man's guest.  Instead, the old man offers his virgin daughter and the Levite's concubine.

To quote him, he says, " Nay, my brethren, nay, I pray you, do not so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly.  Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing."

While the gang of men refused the daughter, they took the concubine and abused the poor woman throughout the night and morning.  During the concubine's night of terror, the Levite apparently had a blast hanging out with the old man.

The next day, she laid in front of the door of the house - presumably a ragged mess.  The Levite picked her up, put her on their donkey, and went home.  At home, he took out a knife and then carved the concubine into 12 pieces, which he had sent to "all the coasts of Israel."

Micah returns silver to his mother, which she made into an idol.

The Danites find their homes (Judges 18) - In this chapter, the Danites find a home and settle it.  They basically took it from the "quiet and secure" people of Laish.

The Danites were just looking for a new place to settlement.  Perhaps they too had been displaced by the Philistines.  After all, they had iron chariots, right?  Not even Yahweh could stop one of those!

The Danites sent out five scouts who came upon Laish, and the scouts realized that the people of Laish were pushovers!  They were "quiet and secure", and didn't even have a formal leader or magistrate.  So, they look for a reason to conquer these people.

They find out that these people use idols!  An ephod, a teraphim, a graven image, and - a molten image!  I don't even know what a molten image, but the ephod is an ornate vest/apron.  A teraphim is a small idol, or a 'household god', which would give good fortune to its owner.  They just looked like small statues, basically.  A graven image is basically a drawing.  That's right - the Second Commandment is a rule against artwork.

Anyways, the scouts now have a reason and return to the Danite elite, telling them about the idols.  They then send 600 guys out and they utterly slaughter the poor Laishites, and the Danites move in and settle.

Oddly enough, the Danites still use the graven image of Micah - and set it up "until the day of the captivity of the land."

This is odd, because the authors seem to have no problem with the Danites having an idol; though they just obliterated a small settlement for that very reason.

Physicist Lawrence Krauss Soundly Defeats Apologist William Lane Craig in God Debate - In a stunning but perhaps unsurprising upset, Physicist Lawrence Krauss utterly annihilated professional Christian debater William Lane Craig at a debate at North Carolina State University on March 30.

Craig argued four points of deism, and one point about the historicity of Jesus, to lay the case that God is real, and specifically it is the Christian god.

Krauss did well by avoiding Craig's well-known spin doctoring and semantic game, and instead answered the question of the debate specifically.  Is there evidence FOR God?

Krauss said that while it is plausible that a deist god exists, it isn't as likely to be true given that there isn't much evidence for it.  So, we must conclude there is probably no god, especially not a specific one as described in Christianity.

All in all, it was a good debate.  It's one of the few times that I've seen William Lane Craig visibly flustered.  There were some awkward moments when Craig, a Christian theologian, tried to argue physics with Krauss, a physicist.  Craig even antagonized one of the questioners before fully understanding the question.

All in all, the debate was an almost uneven-handed power play in Krauss's favor.  In Krauss's words, "I'm motivated by physics, and Dr. Craig is motivated by thousand-year-old myths and legends."

Micah, from Book of Judges

Introducing Micah, (Judges Chapter 17) - This is a very short chapter.  It introduces Micah, presumably one of the judges of Judah and Israel.  Micah appears to be a pagan, who uses money to make graven images. 

Later in this chapter, he takes in a Levite priest whom I think will play some role in the upcoming chapters.

Partially Informed Chapter Rating

Action: N/A  No action here, this is just the introductory chapter.

Cohesion:  8 - So far, the story makes sense.

Morality:  5 - Nothing particularly immoral, save for the pagan references.

Samson's Big Finale (Judges Chapter 16) - I like how Chapter 16 opens up; Samson finds a harlot and goes in unto her.  This guy's a friggin' rock star!  He then wakes up at midnight, grabs the city gates and the two posts and takes them to the top of a hill.  WTF!!!  And the Bible says nothing as to why he did that.

Well anyways, he winds up falling in love with some chick named Delilah, who seems like a sleeper agent for the Philistines.  She asks him three times what the secret of his strength is, and three times he lies to her.  And each time she reported to the Philistines about his weakness, they lay in ambush waiting to subdue him, expecting him to be weak.  Of course, Samson escaped or otherwise defeated the Philistines.

Then, on the fourth time she pleads.  "Don't you love me?  You lied to me and mocked me three times.  If you truly love me, then you'll tell me what the secret to your strength is."

Samson, who is probably more brawn then brains, actually tells her.  At this point, I'm yelling at the Bible.  Come on!  Can he really be that stupid?  But stupid me, it's just a friggin' story.

So, the Philistines finally capture Samson, take out his eyes, and tie him up between two pillars that happen to be supporting the tent wherein thousands of Philistines are praising his capture.  Samson prays to Yahweh for help to avenge the loss of his eyes. Then, with mighty tug, the two pillars topple over and the whole thing collapses on the Philistines and himself, creating the prototype for the first pre-explosive suicide bombing.

The chapter ends by saying that in death, Samson slew more Philistines then in life.

Partially Informed Chapter Rating Rating the Scripture on a scale of 10 (10 being highest)

Action: I'm giving this chapter a "9" because it is action packed.  Samson is truly an action hero.

Cohesion: I'm giving this chapter a "3" because while I understand the story, I can't help but think Samson is a complete idiot.  Why, after successfully showing that Delilah was basically an agent for the enemy, would he stoop to telling her his secret?

Morality:  A "3".  Not only does he start off sleeping with whores and playing pranks, but he lies three times (which was actually a good thing) and then tells the truth (which was actually a bad thing), and then slaughters wholesale perhaps thousands of Philistines, most of whom were innocent.

Samson slays a Philistine with the jawbone of an ass.

Samson the Superhero (Judges 15) - Imagine if, after being married, your spouse's father suddenly thought that you didn't love his child enough, and instead GIVES them to another person.  What would you do? Of course, you'd probably be angry, but there is a litany of possible things that you could do.  You could reason with him.  You could find the person who now owns your husband/wife and get them back.  There's all sorts of options.

In fact, Samson illustrates this by doing the least expected thing.  He catches 300 foxes, ties them up by their tail, and lights them on fire in the Philistines' cornfield.

The Philistines, puzzled, figure out it's Samson and that he did it because of the weird dispute between him and his father-in-law, over Samson's wife.  What do the Philistines do?  In response, perhaps just as unreasonable as Samson, they light afire both Samson's wife and father-in-law.

Samson gets into such a rage he slaughters a bunch of Philistines, presumably the ones responsible, and then retreats to some rock or a hill.  Then 3,000 men from Judah come to bind him and bring him to the Philistines, so the Philistines won't attack Judah.

When they transport Samson to the Philistines, the Philistines begin to shout at Samson angrily.  Then "the spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson", who grabs a nearby donkey jawbone, and proceeds to slay a thousand men.   I'm starting to think that when "the spirit of the Lord comes upon someone", that's just an Old Testament euphemism for getting into a rage.

Anyways, after the bloodfest, God is happy with Samson's behavior and rewards him with water, found in the hollow of the jawbone.  I'd be thirsty too after killing 1,000 men with a jawbone!!!  

Perhaps the scariest part of this story is that today, perhaps 3,000 years later, people still believe this story is literally true only because it can be found in the Bible.

Samson rasslin' with a lion.  Photo from Paul K, Creative Commons

Samson gets his girl, tears a lion apart with his bare hands, and other fun stuff, (Judges 14) - Samson is such a dude.  He's that hyper-male action hero that we've been watching on TV for so long, like John Wayne, Chuck Norris, Charles Bronson, Schwarzenegger, etc. that many of us guys looked up to.  Except, he could probably put all of them to shame.  Because he's not just a male action hero, he's the enemy of 20th century progress.  

No matter the complaints against feminism, civil rights, or even animal rights - and there some good ones out there - Samson is totally against female equality and civil rights.

Samson saw a woman who he fancied among the Philistines.  He told his parents, who were a little bit grossed out because those Philistines are unclean and uncircumcised!  (14:3)

When on an outing with his parents to some vineyard in Timnath a lion appeared.  Samson tore it apart with his bare hands.  He went to go visit the Philistine woman, and upon returning he stopped by the lion's carcass and saw bees and honey inside the gut torn out gut of the lion.

He then does something really weird.  He tells a riddle to the Philistine woman's friends and family.  "What is sweeter than honey, and stronger than a lion?"

After seven days they couldn't get the riddle, and after inquiring of Samson the riddle's meaning he falsely accuses them of sleeping with the woman.  In fact, he said, "If you had not plowed with my heifer, then you had not found out my riddle."  

Wow, he calls her a heifer!!!  That was probably a compliment in the Bronze Age.

In any case, the notion that he could just TAKE a wife, that the Philistines are uncleaned, and even the little bit about killing the lion just show that Samson is nothing more than a Bronze Age legend, and that his adventures are counterintuitive to anyone coming from the 20th and 21st centuries.

Samson is one the most famous of Biblical heroes, but he was also one of the most sadistic.

Samson, the Beginning (Judges Chapter 13) - One again, the Israelites start "doing evil in the sight of God."  More than likely, they've sunk into their old ways and began worshiping OTHER gods!  This fake problem is portrayed as the biggest issue for the Israelites, and one of the biggest fears for the author(s) of Judges.

So, a new savior will have to lift these people out of their rut.  If you remember, we recently covered Jephthah, and prior to him Gideon, and so on.  Each of these heroes showed up when the previous hero died, and the Israelites sank back into paganism.  And when they sink into paganism, God gives them to other people.  This time, God gives all the Israelites to the Philistines.  Now, we come to Samson. 

Of course, the woman who was to carry baby Samson was barren, and could not bear any children.  She is, at least in this chapter, nameless.  After all this "coming unto her" by God and angels, you'd think it would be common courtesy to know who this chick is.  But her husband is a man named Manoah.  Yahweh (aka God) sent an angel to tell her that she will, in fact, have a child.  There a few stipulations - she shouldn't drink alcohol, and after the boy is born no one should cut his hair, ever. 

This is just the introduction, of course, and the story continues into the next chapter.

More Senseless Violence in Judges (Judges Chapter 12) - This chapter is thankfully very short, but in its few words is chronicled the alleged deaths of 42,000 people.

Why were these people killed?  Because they failed to say "Shibboleth" correctly.  Seriously.  Apparently, the victims accent led them to say "Sibboleth" instead.

Here's what happened: some of Ephraim's men were pissed that the Jephthah slaughtered the Ammonites without them.  Jephthah replied that he tried to call them, but they never answered.   After some further taunting, they wind up finding and Jephthah's Gileadites fought and killed many of Ephraim's men.  In the ensuing rout, the Gileadites had to sort through the refugees to see who was an Ephraimite and who was not.  Their test was to ask each person to pronounce "Shibboleth".  Those who said "Sibboleth" were killed outright.

After this brief segment, the book speaks briefly about Jephthah's death, and some of the other judges who came after him.

Jephtha's Daughter (Judges, Chapter 11) - History repeats itself.  You know what else repeats itself?  The Bible.

Judges, Chapter 11 is basically the same struggle to control land that has been spoken of in almost every chapter of the Old Testament so far.  The Israelites get screwed, a new holy man rises up and leads them to conquer, the new guy dies, the Israelites fall back into their pagan ways, and then they get screwed.  It's a vicious cycle.

This time the holy warrior is Jephthah, a family man with a wife and a daughter.  He conquers, with the help of Yahweh, a number of nations (i.e. Sihon), and people (i.e. the children of Ammon).  It's with the Ammonites that probably one of the most tragic stories appear in the Bible.


Jephthah makes an oath to God:  "Whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering."


Remember, he's a family man.  He's got a wife and a daughter.  There's not much else that would come out to greet him, unless he was hoping for Fido.  Or maybe he was hoping it was his wife?!?


So after he massacres the Ammonites, he returns home and not surprisingly, his DAUGHTER comes out to greet him.  Any family man knows what it's like, right?  You come home from work, your daughter sees you, and runs toward you yelling, "Daddy!  Daddy!" and then she leaps on you and you pick her up.  That's my experience, at least, because my daughter's still young.

I'm not sure how hold Jephthah's daughter is, but she's probably a teenager because though she agreed to what her father promised to do, she asked first that she go up to the mountains for two months to mourn her virginity.  That's right.  She was more concerned about her virginity.  She came back two months later, and though apologists try to say that was all there was to it, the Bible says, "And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man."


Any honest person can plainly see that Jephthah sacrificed his daughter to Yahweh, as payment for the victory over the Ammonites.  Some apologists do some crazy mental gymnastics and spin doctoring to get out of the mess that this story wreaks upon their "worldview", but the Bible is plain.  Jephthah made a vow to offer a burnt offering to Yahweh, and "he did with her according to his vow which he vowed."

God sells the Israelites into slavery, Judges Chapter 10 - Aside from the mention of thirty "ass colts", there's not much to say about Chapter 10 except that Yahweh gets angry because the Israelites start worshiping other gods (yet again!).  In response to this travesty, He sells them to the Philistines.

Here's a weird thought - why would God sell an entire population of people into slavery just because He is failing at making Himself a believable deity?  And more importantly, why would God even need the money?

Maybe Yahweh might be a little miffed about His own people not believing in Him, but isn't it His problem really?  Wouldn't the reason that the Israelites continuously fail to believe in Him be that life without Yahweh is conceivable?   This portion of the Bible is probably all myths and legends, but it deals with a universal problem for religious people - doubt.  It also shows the hybridization that often happens when people who worshiped another god(s) are introduced to a new god.

And seriously, if the Philistines bought the Israelites off  Yahweh - what would He spend the money on?

This tree looks like he's got something interesting to say. - Image from Gabriel Millos, Creative Commons

Lord of the Israelites: A Tale of Talking Trees, mass fratricide, and Divine vengeance (Judges Chapter 9) - Abimelech was one of the 70 or so sons of Gideon.  He gained power by killing all of the other brothers, "on one stone" no less.  Seventy brothers killed on one stone - perhaps he was going for a world record (a joke I'm borrowing The Scripture Project).

Only the youngest son, Jotham, lived because he hid from his sadistic brother.

After this slaying come a strange conversation between trees, which in my head sound like the Entmeet in Lord of the Rings.  The conversation goes something like this: the trees (in general) ask the olive tree, the fig tree, and the grape vine (separately) if they'll rule over them.  Each one gives a reason, which is basically that they provide things that are good for God and man (i.e. wine, fruits, olives, etc.) and if they spent all their time ruling over the trees they wouldn't be able to provide God and man their goods.

Finally, the trees ask a bunch of brambles (that's right - brambles) if he'd rule over them, and since brambles have hardly any use for men (or God, for that matter), he volunteers.  However, he warns them, "If in truth ye anoint me king over you, then come and put your trust in my shadow: and if not, let fire come out of the bramble, and devour the cedars of Lebanon."

While I'm not sure what that means, I think it has something to do with brambles being a poor source of shade and an excellent source of fuel for fire.  

Meanwhile, God (aka the Creator of Universe) sends an evil spirit among Abimelech and his men.  Let me repeat that - GOD sends an evil spirit.  There might be some sort of translation problem here, as I'm familiar with the Greek notion of spirit, which isn't really an entity but a kind of mode of being.  None the less, God still causes Abimelech and his men of Shechem to be treacherous toward one another, scheming and lying to each other.  But a man named Gaal of Ebed goes to the men of Shechem, and they put their trust in Gaal instead.

They wind up fortifying themselves in a tower  in opposition to Abimelech.  Abimelech lays siege and kills approximately 1,000 men and women by burning the tower down.  Apparently, there were some gigantic towers back then.  

Abimelech then attacks another tower at Thebez, but during the assault a woman casts a millstone and cracks open his skull.  In his shame, Abimelech asks one of his soldiers to slay him so that no one would say that "a woman killed him."  Oh, the shame!  

Baal-Berith, an ancient pagan god that a more recent heavy metal band named themselves after.  

Here's the cover of their album.

Israel's Ongoing Battle With Paganism (Judges, Chapter 8) - One of the recurring themes with the Israelites is that one pushy guy gets them to worship Yahweh, and then upon said pushy guy's death, they go back to worshiping other gods.  This tells me that if these stories were true, they probably didn't take Yahweh too seriously.  But the people writing the histories (at least the ones that survived) were the people worshiping Yahweh, so it's their story that remains with us today.

Chapter 8 is the last one with Gideon, who might be the namesake of Gideons International, the group that goes around and puts Bibles in hotel rooms.  Gideon is chasing two final kings, who have an army of about 15,000.  This is vastly reduced from the 120,000 they had before Yahweh caused them to kill each other.  Gideon commands 300 men, and is like King Leonidas on the offensive.

While in pursuit, Gideon's tired men come across two towns and asks for supplies.  The towns refuse, and Gideon tells them after he vanquishes his enemy, he's going to come back and crush them.

Gideon has a shameful moment when, upon capturing the two kings, he asks his son to have the honors in killing them.  His son didn't want to do it, and Gideon said something like, "You're not a man" and then knocked off the two kings.

After their victory, Gideon says a very corny line.  I think my wife would say it's as corny as one of my jokes.  The men of Israel cheer Gideon and ask him to rule over them.  He replies, "I shall not rule over you.  My sons shall not rule over you.  The LORD shall rule over you."

Then something strange happens.  Gideon asks that all the earrings of the dead soldiers be gathered.  Apparently, because they were "Ishmaelites" (remember Ishmael from Genesis) they all had gold earrings.  Gideon arranged to have these melted down and fashioned into an Eshod, which is a ceremonial apron that was worn by the Israelite priests.  And, in a choice of words I don't understand, Judges 8:27 says that the Israelites "went whoring" after the Eshod.  I have no idea what that means, or why they would do that.

Anyways, Chapter 8 ends by saying that as soon as Gideon dies (at a good old age), the Israelites go right back to worshiping other gods, in particular a Ba'al named Baal-Berith.   This really illustrates how hard it is to get a culture that is already steeped in one religious tradition to convert wholesale into another religion.  It is evident today with Christian missionaries, who to their own dismay report that their new converts still believe in their old religion, but have just incorporated the beliefs of Christianity.  This hybridization of religion is reported in all cultures who worshiped previous deity and were approached by missionaries to worship another.

At the end of the chapter, two Midianite leaders are decapitated and their heads brought to Gideon.  From Firaze Shakir

Gideon Defeats an Army With Only 300 Men (Judges, Chapter 7) - Good ol' Gideon, now that he's been selected to be Yahweh's chosen general, must now select men for his army.  The selection process is very odd indeed.

Starting with about 32,000 people, Gideon asks those who are afraid to return to their homes.  Only 10,000 remain.  Still, Yahweh - cocky as ever - suggests that even 10,000 is too much.  Yahweh says he will select the men who will fight by the manner in which they drink water!  That's right, if they naturally get down and lap up water with their tongues like dogs, they're the ones He wants.

So, Yahweh and Gideon observe how each man drinks water.  Finally, after everyone drank water, it turns out that only 300 people drank water like a dog.  Gideon becomes another King Leonidas.

The Midianite Army

The author of Judges really took some pains in order to describe the vastness of the opposing army.  The Midianites were numerous like grasshoppers and - get this - their camels were numberless, like the sands along the seashore.  If we were to take this description seriously, that's a lot of fucking camels!!!

But, what do camels matter in this equation?  Seriously.  This is a sword and spear fight. 

The Battle

Like most of these stories, the description of the battle seems a little fishy.  If true, King Leonidas would've done better with these 300 rather than his own.  Actually, Leonidas would've only needed Yahweh; He did all the work.

Armed with a trumpet, an empty pitcher, and a lamp; the 300 men faced off against the locustlike horde of Midianites.  Following instructions from a dream, Gideon ordered his men to first break the pitcher, hold the lamp in their left hands, and then simultaneously blow on the trumpet with their right.

When they do this, all of the opposing army turn on each other, killing each other off rather rapidly, and the Israelites win.  They later hunt down two Midianite princes, Oreb and Zeeb, decapitate them, and then bring the heads to Gideon. 

Image from Light4Us Blog

Gideon vs. the Midianites (Judges Chapter 6) - Right off the bat, I've come across yet another contradiction.  Remember in the Book of Numbers when the Israelites took out ALL of the Midianite men? (Numbers 31:7)  Well, they're back and they've become such a nuisance that Judges Ch. 6 is basically dedicated to their destruction - again.

This time the protagonist is a young man named Gideon.  While chilling under an oak tree (I'm reading King James version so I think that's what it's saying), Yahweh sends angel down to tell Gideon that he is chosen to be the Israelite's Next Top Warrior. 

Gideon, being skeptical said he's just a poor man, how can he be a warrior?  Yahweh says He's on Gideon's side, and He will personally help Gideon massacre the Midianites.  As proof that it is really Him, Yahweh cooks flesh and unleavened bread on a rock.  Apparently, fire came out of the rock.  I guess that must have been pretty cool back then.

So what did the Midianites do exactly?  Apparently, they retaliated against the Israelites for all of their previous acts.  They took their livestock and supplies, and rose up against the Israelites.

So Gideon and the Israelites counter-attack, tear down a statue of Baal, and this angers the Midianite and other non-Yahwehists.  The Israelites actually make a good skeptical argument.  Basically, they say, "If Baal is real, let him plead for himself.  If he is a god, let him retaliate."  

And, nothing happens.

Toward the end Gideon is still skeptical toward Yahweh and asks for more signs.  Apparently, cooking food on a rock wasn't as spectacular as we originally thought!  Well, it gets worse.  The sign Gideon asks for is utterly ridiculous.  He puts some sheepskin on the ground, and tells Yahweh that if the dew is only on the wool and not on the surrounding ground, THEN he will believe Yahweh's promise to him.

Actually, given Yahweh's reckless behavior in the past, I'd be pretty skeptical about his "promises" too.  I probably wouldn't resort to these odd requests, though.  I think I'd just be happy if Yahweh talked to people normally, in a language (like English) that wouldn't destroy us.

A Duet Before an Assassination (Judges, Chapter 5) - Okay, five chapters into Judges and I've concluded that it is just a horribly written book.  Chapter 5 seems like a slightly different version then Chapter 4.

First, Deborah and Barak (not the President, of course) sing a praise to Yahweh.  They totally hype him up, talking about He marched on the fields of Edom, and about how mountains melted before Him.  It's holds true to the expectations that we might have toward Bronze Age desert tribesman singing about their favorite war god.  In fact, I urge you, please check it out.  It's like a bad musical, and with Deborah's heartfelt support for the governors of Israel, you'd even think that she was inspired by the Soviets' own propaganda machine.

Then this musical starts to contradict the story.  Well, it contradicts reality when it says that the stars were against Sisera (if you remember, Sisera was just assassinated by a woman named Jael).  This seems to indicate that astrology was predominant back then.  Of course it was!  This is before science and astronomy and astrophysics.

Anyways, the contradiction is in the account of Sisera's death.  In the previous chapter, Jael hammered a tent stake through Sisera's skull while he was sleeping.  In Chapter 5, it says Sisera was standing up while she hammered the tent stake through his temples, and then "smote off his head."  After doing this, Sisera bowed and then fell at Jael's feet.

And for this behavior, Jael is exalted as being "blessed above all women in the tent."  For killing a man in his sleep, or who was at the very least exhausted from running away from battle.

In a very fitting manner, the chapter ends with a taunting thought of Sisera's poor mother, crying for her lost son.

After reading this song of Deborah, I can only say this.  THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS!

God's Kryptonite - An Iron Chariot!

God Can't Stop Iron Chariots! (Judges, Chapter 4) -  These early chapters seem to be more about deception then judges.  When last we left off, Yahweh (aka God) had allowed the Israelites to be sold as slaves, and in chapter 1:19 God apparently was unable to stop iron chariots. 

The story changes though and Yahweh is now able to cope with these iron chariots, with an army under the command of a man named Barak (not to be confused with Barack!).  The Almighty Himself wields a sword and whips the Israelites' Canaanite captors and sends them running away on foot, including their general, a man named Sisera.  That would be a cool sight, wouldn't it?  The Creator of the Universe wielding a sword against 900 iron chariots.  Sisera manages to escape, but God slays everyone else.

There's also another intriguing assassination story in here, too.  A young woman named Jael came up on the beaten Sisera, who begged her for help.  She tucks him into a nice cozy bed, gives him something to drink, and then, when he falls asleep, DRIVES A TENT STAKE THROUGH HIS HEAD!!!

Wow!  This is some sadistic stuff.  I can't find "morality" in it anywhere, but it's pretty cool.  At best, these are just glorified war stories chronicling Israelite battles.

Baal, one of many gods and goddesses that the Israelites "struggled" with.

God Uses His Own Failure to Set Up the Israelites (Judges, Chapter 3) - Just finished Chapter 3, and it was nothing more than a repeat of Chapter 2.  If we remember Chapter 2, the Israelite's God fails to drive out all the inhabitants of the area, and instead chooses to let the Israelites dwell among the people and have them be tempted by their gods.  And then, when people DO get tempted, God (aka Yahweh) gets pissed.

So, in Chapter 3 people start worshiping various gods, in particular Baalim (or Baal) and this prompts more anger from the Lordy.  God even strengthens the neighboring Moabites to go against Israel, because God is pissed that the Israelites fell for His own trick and started worshiping other gods!!!  It gets so bad for the Israelites that they actually wind up in the service of the Moabite king.

And so now, with their own god literally against them, the Israelites begin to weep.  Finally, crazy ol' Yahweh starts to feel sorry for them and brings them "a messenger".  This "messenger" is actually just an assassin - a very flashy, action hero type of assassin named Ehub. 

He goes to the Moabite's King Eglon, who apparently is very fat, and drops one of those action hero one-liners.  "I have a message for you - from God."

With that, Ehub quickly unsheaths a dagger from its hiding place on his thigh, and then stabs the king so deep into Eglon's fat - to the hilt - that Ehub is unable to retrieve the knife.

After that, it's just a repeat of previous books and chapters.  The Israelites basically annihilate (for now) the Moabites and kill about 10,000 of them!

Finally, the chapter ends on an unrelated point.  Some other hotshot Israelite named Shamgar apparently kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad.  An ox goad is basically a cattle prod, a long stick with a point at the end.  Presumably, he used it as a spear.  But still, SIX HUNDRED!?!   Spartans, beware.