Samuel Shows Off (1 Samuel, Chapter 12)

Samuel, the guy who with the help of Yahweh crowned the Israelites' first king, goes out to the people and tells them what's up.

"I heard your voice and have made a king for you.  He walks among you today.  Tell me, is there any among you who can say I stole from them, lied to them, or received a bribe?  Anyone?," taunted Sam. (12:1)

Of course, I think that if this story is true there was probably quite a bit of deception going on, as this is basically Samuel playing politics.  He's going to make an argument saying that God (Yahweh) is on his side.  This is where religion meets politics. 

The Israelites, the Bronze Age superstitious tribesmen that they were, had no reason to think that Samuel was lying, so they reply, "No, you haven't lied to us or deceived us!"

I like to imagine Samuel doing flourishes with his hands, like a televangelist, when he recounts how Yahweh led their people out of Egypt, and the early history of the Israelites, with their various eras of slavery and liberation, and all the times that Yahweh killed even them when they chose not to believe.

He's essentially saying that Yahweh brought them to where they are today.

"Behold the king you have chosen, and whom you have desired!  Behold, God has given you a king!" exclaimed Samuel!" exclaimed Samuel, probably to the roar of a crowd.

"If you obey His (Yahweh's) commandments, then you and the king's reign shall continue.  But, if you don't ... you know what happens, and what has happened in the past!" (12:5-15)

Of course, it doesn't say it, and I'm not sure how historical this story is, but if it is indeed a historical account and some scribe was writing down everything Samuel was saying, this next part is pretty cool.


Storm clouds were probably coming their way, and any good shaman could use it as a way to emphasize their message.  "Now see this - today is harvest day, is it not?  I will call upon God, and He will send thunder and rain, so that you will see that by asking for a king, you've actually done a wicked thing."  (12:16)

Samuel "called" upon Yahweh and sure enough, thunder and rain happened; and the people were scared of both Yahweh and Samuel.

"Follow Yahweh, your God, and live; but if you should falter in your faith, both you AND your king will be consumed," concluded Samuel. (12:19-24)

These quotes attributed to Samuel aren't verbatim of course, I'm reading a King James version, but this is basically what is being said.

The Slaughter of the Ammonites (1 Samuel, Chapter 11)

David Punishing the Ammonites. By Gustave Dore, created in the 1800s

Strange things start brewing when an Ammonite named Nahash meets up with the elders of Judah.  The elders offer a peace treaty and an alliance (i.e. a covenant), and Nahash essentially says, "We can have peace if you allow me to pluck out each of your right eyes."

The elders are taken aback, and said, "Hm, give us seven days.  If no one wants to save us, then we'll come to you."

The elders go back to the city and tell the inhabitants of their plight, to which they all cry.

The elders then run to King Saul, who gets angry (actually, God gets angry and that's why Saul gets angry) and thus Saul's first task as king will be dealing with the Ammonites.

Saul basically rounded up 30,000 Israelites from Judah and then laid waste to 300,000 Ammonites, "slaying the Ammonites until the heat of the day."  The Ammonites survivors were so few and scattered about that no two were left together.

Afterward, Saul enters Israel (where the Ammonites were), and renews the kingdom in Gilgal.  A celebration of the new king of Israel then ensued, with God knows how many sacrifices, and all the men had fun.  Presumably, the women had to clean up after them.  Wow, not much changed after so many thousands of years!

The Coronotion of Saul (1 Samuel, Chapter 10)

Saul preaching at Ramah.    Credit: By David Martin (1639-1721).This painting is more than 100 years old.

The most interesting thing about reading the Bible is marveling how simple its authors are.  We really get a feel for what impresses them.  We come across obvious errors in the text, which are irreconcilable to the dogma that the Bible is "inerrant".

Chapter 10 is basically about Yahweh's plan to make Saul more credible as a candidate for king.  The fact that Yahweh picked Saul Himself seems to escape the Israelites, who like most people just want a credible person to be in charge.

Using Miracles to Affect Politics

First, Saul has to be convinced so a series of signs happen to help him.  First, he will meet "two men by Rachel's sepulchre" who will speculate on Saul's father, feeling bad for his sons loss of sheep.  Second, he will come across three men, who will give him two loaves and some wine. Then, a public sign is practically staged so that the people will see Saul as being worthy of the crown.  This involves Saul prophesying in the company of 100 prophets.

All these signs happen in order, and when he prophesies with the 100 prophets, the people are impressed.  They ask themselves, "Is Saul also among the prophets?"

Biblical Errancy

Right here is where I want to point out one of the inerrancies.  Later on, in 1 Samuel 19:24, is another story that is supposed to be the origin of the rumor that Saul is a prophet.  The story is completely different, and involves him lying around naked!

Anyways, later on the Israelite tribes vote for a king, and when Saul is selected he is nowhere to be found.  The Israelites asked Yahweh where Saul is, and Yahweh says, "Behold, he has hid himself among the stuff."

Read that again.  I thought that was kind of funny.

Finally, when Saul is found, he stands taller than the rest of the Israelites "from his shoulders upward."  Here, we can see how being tall is an impressive trait to the Israelites.  It still is today!  While the author seems to be using Saul's height as a justification for his kingship, no one can deny that tall height is a desirable characteristic.  

The only people who don't seem to dig Saul are the children of Belial, who grumble among themselves asking, "How will this man save us?"  Their feelings toward Saul were apparently strong enough for them to not give him a coronation gift.

Mention of a Possible Lost Book

Of particular interest is mention of a possible lost book; another Book of Samuel.  Chapter 10:25: "Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and wrote it in a book."  

Yahweh Chooses Saul As King of the Israelites (1 Samuel, Chapter 9)

In Chapter 9, a young man named Saul is introduced.  He's tall, handsome, and "goodly".  In fact, he's the "goodliest" man of all the Benjamites.  One day he was sent, along with a servant, to look for his father's donkeys, and he went all over the land looking for those damned donkeys, too!

Finally, as fate would have it, he happened upon the city in which Samuel (the current judge) was waiting for him.  The night before, Yahweh (God) told Samuel that around this time tomorrow the man who He chose to be king of the Israelites would appear. 

So, from the humble origins of a man looking for his dad's donkeys, Saul stumbles into quite a conundrum.  He finds the donkeys at least, because they were apparently found by Samuel.  Saul was surprised by all the special treatment he was receiving, for he was a member of the smallest of the Israelite tribes, and was of fairly simple origins. 

The chapter ends in cliffhanger fashion with Samuel just about to break the news to Saul.  After some fine dining, Samuel tells Saul: "Ask your servant to leave (and the servant leaves) and stand still for awhile, for I am going to show you the Word of God."

Israelites Demand a King (1 Samuel, Chapter 8)

King Saul, from Wikimedia Commons

While Samuel was a good judge, his two sons were apparently a couple of crooks; caring mostly about money, taking bribes, and having bad judgment in general.  So, the Israelites didn't want these two guys running the show.  Instead, they wanted to have a king to judge them.

Samuel was a little butthurt about this and consulted old Yahweh.  Yahweh said by wanting a king, they are rejecting Me, and this is made most abundantly clear by the fact that they are still worshiping other gods!  

Yes, the Israelites are still worshiping other gods!  It's almost like this one isn't obvious enough for them.

Yahweh instructs Samuel to let the people know what a king entails, and Samuel does as he is told.

Sammy boy let's the Israelites know that a king will take all their firstborn sons and use them to ride his chariots in battle, or as foot soldiers; and that a tenth of everything they own will belong to the king.

The Israelites didn't mind that all, and still wanted to have a king to rule over them.  Samuel reports this to the Creator of the Universe, and so He instructs Samuel to appoint a king.  The chapter ends with Samuel calling out to the men of the city, "Go ye every man unto his city."

Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant

The Ark of the Covenant found ... at DragonCon!!!  Photo by Olaf Gradin

Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant (Chapter 7) - Since last time, the Philistines have been in a mad dash to rid themselves of the Ark of the Covenant, which has brought nothing but suffering to them.  In Chapter 7, the Ark finds itself in an old house in the town of Kirjathjearim, where it stays for about 20 years!

Finally, Samuel suggests to the Israelites that if they give up the gods Baalim and Ashtaroth, then Yahweh will free them from the Philistines.  So, the Israelites drop the two other gods and begin worshiping Yahweh fervently. 

After the Israelites do this, Samuel then asks the Israelites to gather in the valley of Mizpeh.  Whent he Philistines get word of this movement, they send men out to deal with what they think was an attempt at rebellion by the already beaten Israelite people.

However, after praying to Yahweh and after Samuel sacrifices a young lamb, God takes out all the Philistines who rose up against the Israelites and the chapter ends very quickly after that.

A golden nugget found in a Las Vegas casino.  Does it look like a hemorrhoid?

Photo by Ken Lund, Creative Commons

Give unto God ... um ... golden images of your hemorrhoids? (1 Samuel, Chapter 6) - As I read through the Bible, I am continuously struck by the things that I missed the first time around!  This chapter did not disappoint me in weirdness.

The Philistines, in shock because so many died at the hands of the Israelite god Yahweh, wanted to get rid of the Ark of the Covenant.  They had also suffered mice and a particularly nasty case of hemorrhoids because of their capture of the Ark.  Sure, Yahweh helped them capture it, and oddly enough is punishing the ones He just helped out, but I never said the story was supposed to make sense.

Now, the Philistines just want to return the cursed thing, and so ask the terms in which to return it.  The Israelite representative suggests that the Philistines DO NOT return it empty!  Rather, they must cast five golden mice and five golden hemorrhoids.

Yes, that's right!  Part of the return policy is to cast images of the hemorrhoids that just afflicted them!  Wow, that's really rubbing their nose in their afflictions, isn't it!?!

Well, they do it!

Finally, to prove that it was indeed the Israelite god that is responsible for the deaths and the afflictions, the Philistines do one last investigative technique.  After putting the golden hemorrhoids and mice into the Ark, and having the Ark towed by two cows, the Philistines let the cows go.  If the cows go straight to a place called Bethshemeth, then indeed it was Yahweh's doing.  The cows do go to Bethshemeth.  Therefore, it was Yahweh's doing.  There's something fishy about that line of reasoning, and I'll leave that to you the reader to figure out.

When some farmers in Bethshemeth happen upon the Ark, they look inside and find the five hemorrhoids and five mice, and they send each piece of gold to surrounding cities.  However, because they looked into the Ark, Yahweh kills 50,000 people from Bethshemeth!  As the proverb goes, "Curiosity killed the cat."

So now, the men of Bethshemeth want to get rid of the Ark, and plot to give it to the nearby town of Kirjathjearim.

To be continued ...

The Semitic fertility god Dagon.  Public Domain.

Bad luck follows those who house the Ark of the Covenant (Chapter 5) - A series of unfortunate events followed the captors of the Israelites' Ark of the Covenant, first to the city of Ashdod. 

First, the Philistines lay the Ark next to a statue of Dagon, the Philistine fertility god.  The next morning, Dagon was facedown on the ground.  Thinking it was a coincidence, they set Dagon upright again and the next morning the statue was fallen again, only this time with its head and hands removed. 

Later, Yahweh (the Israelite god) became angry of the Philistines, "destroyed" many of them, and then smote the rest of them with hemorrhoids!!! 

The people of Ashdod then suggest that the statue be moved to the nearby city of Gath, and upon hearing this the people of Gath say, "Hell no, we don't want hemorrhoids!" 

This is a funny story, albeit a little disturbing.  Why would Yahweh be so upset about the Ark being in Philistine hands?  These days, He's always portrayed as being all powerful (and all-knowing), yet He seems unable to do much more than regional punishments.  On top of that, His punishments seem odd and unjust.  If a god is angry that some people stole the Ark that represents His covenant to some other Bronze Age tribe, why doesn't He just kill those responsible? Why kill and cause hemorrhoids to people who had absolutely nothing to do with it?  


More importantly, how did this happen in the first place?  We're talking about the Almighty, right?  I guess not yet.  Yahweh isn't Almighty yet.  That comes much later.

Eli falls off his chair.  Image from Souljourner Blog.

Hebrews Suffer an Odd Defeat (1 Samuel Chapter 4) - In Chapter 4, the Israelites (or Hebrews) are at odds with the dreaded Philistines.  The Philistines were about to attack when they heard an immense shout come from the Israelite camp.  I guess the Ark of the Covenant had just come into the camp.

At first, the Philistines were intimidated by this sound that "shook the earth," but after some encouragement were persuaded into attacking the camp.  They succeeded in killing Eli's two sons.  Eli was the current judge who had been holding that position for 40 years.  The Philistines also took the Ark of the Covenant.

Later, when Eli was informed about the loss to the Philistines, and about the death of his sons, he was saddened.  But when he heard that the Ark of the Covenant had been taken too, he fell back in his chair (pictured) and broke his neck.

In memorial of these events, a woman who gave birth to a son shortly afterward named her son Ichabod, because the glory of Israel had been taken.

Samuel sleeping, just before he is "called".  Photo by Amanda Truss

Samuel receives his calling (1 Samuel, Chapter 3) - How awesome would it be to actually know beforehand your calling in life?  Well, in this chapter the young child Samuel receives his calling, and it is fairly amusing story.

Late at night, the child Samuel is awakened by a voice calling him.  He goes to his dad (Eli) and asks what he wants.  Eli says he didn't call him and to go lie back down.  This happens two more times.

The second time it happens, Eli figures that Yahweh (Israelite god) has been calling Samuel, and so Eli tells Samuel to lay down and the next time he hears the voice to say, "Speak, for your servant hears you."

So, on the third time that Samuel is called, he responds, "Speak, for your servant hears you."

Yahweh explains that He's going to do something that will "tickle the ears" of all Israel, and what He's going to do is this: punish the House of Eli!  Because of the horrible things that Eli's sons have done, the House of Eli will be punished.  This brings up a good moral question:  Should the sins of one group of people be brought to bear upon their descendents?

So, the next morning Eli is interested in hearing what Yahweh had told young Samuel.  And Samuel tells him everything.  Eli is content with it, and basically says, "Let Yahweh do whatever He thinks is good."

And that brings up ANOTHER moral dilemma - is what God says always good?

The wrath of God?  Photo by ReubenInStt

Instilling the fear of Yahweh (1 Samuel, Chapter 2) - This chapter is all about instilling a sense of awe and fear toward Yahweh, and in a way it mirrors similar chapters in other books I've already went through.

First, the general impression is this - be faithful and you will get great rewards in life: wealth, family, success, etc.

But if for you don't believe in Yahweh, watch out!  He'll send thunderstorms to break your body, make you poor, make you hungry.  Basically, he's going to make your life suck, if He doesn't kill you outright.

That's basically the idea behind it.  There's also a little ditty that reveals the level of astronomical knowledge of these Bronze Age tribesmen.  At 1 Samuel 2:8, the author writes "for the pillars of the Earth is the Lord's; and He hath set the world upon them."

In other words, these people believed that the world is held up by pillars, and God put the world up on these pillars.

Finally, there is another where Yahweh, much like his contemporary Zeus, visits Hannah (see previous entry) and she conceives a son.

Yahweh is such a sly dog - I mean god.  Ain't He?

Hannah pleads to God.  Image from 'My Year of Jubilee'

The Birth of Samuel (1 Samuel, Chapter 1) - Samuel is born into a turbulent, polygamist family; and Chapter 1 focuses largely on his mother Hannah.

Hannah is the true love of Elkanah, though he had another wife.  Hannah was barren (it says God 'shut her womb'), but the other wife did.  The other wife's name was Peninnah.  Peninnah was essentially Hannah's archnemesis.  Hannah and Elkanah were in love, but Peninnah bore sons for Elkanah.  This was essentially the life of women in the Bronze Age, by the way.

Anyways, every year Hannah went to the temple and pleaded to God so that she could have a child.  A priest named Eli notices this, and asks her what's wrong.  She explains, and then he tells her to go home, because God has answered her request.

So, she goes home, finally free of her depression, gets 'jiggy' with her husband Elkanah and lo and behold she has a child, which she names Samuel!

One year later, she takes the child to the temple with Elkanah with three bulls, sacrifice one of them, and then she presents the child to the priest Eli.  She then dedicates Samuel to the service of God.

Boaz purchases Ruth as a wife (Ruth, Chapter 4) - I remember when I first got married, and my wife's father gave her to me.  Though the ritual is largely symbolic these days, we shouldn't remember the tradition from which it came.  In the past, wives truly were the property of the husband.

Ruth, the Moabitess, was a widow.  However, and if I'm wrong someone please correct me, it seems she was still technically the property of her dead husband.  But, since he was dead Ruth was under the care of her dead husband's mother (Naomi).  In order for Boaz to marry her, because he did love her, he basically had to purchase her from Naomi, and to sweeten the deal he purchased Naomi's crops and basically all the belongings of both Naomi and Ruth's dead husbands (who were the true owners).

What happens next is utterly ridiculous.  Ruth and Boaz get married, and they have a son named Obed, who will later be the father of King David.  Naomi, who is too old to conceive, assists in the raising of her "grandson" by nursing him.  Naomi's not really a grandmother, of course.  Because Ruth got married to a new man, Naomi has no claim to the child.

She's just an old friend - a really old friend who happens to be able to produce milk at an advanced age!

When Boaz Met Ruth (Ruth, Chapter 3) - Up until now, the story was something that might parallel Thelma & Louise. But it now it has made a twist from the modern story of feminine friendship, to an ancient desert tribeswoman's attempt to get a well-to-do Israelite in the sack.

Ruth's former mother-in-law (Ruth's husband died, remember?), Naomi, comes up with an idea for Ruth to hook up with Boaz, the rich guy whom she works for.  She says for her to wait until he's finished eating and drinking, and then go into his room, expose his penis, and basically wait at his feet until he wakes up.

Ruth, following her mother-in-law's advice, waits patiently for the well-fed and drunk Boaz to stumble to the "end of the heap of corn (again with the corn!)".  She then quietly approaches him, uncovers his genitals, and then waits at his feet. 

If you remember in Thelma & Louise, by this time Louise had already murdered a man who almost raped Thelma.  Now, in the Book of Ruth, we're talking about something entirely different - seduction.

Boaz wakes up, startled that his junk is exposed in the night air, and then notices Ruth at his feet.  Lucky him!

He says, "Who are you?"

And she replies, "I am your handmaid.  Would you want to make love with me, though I'm just a handmaid?  We are near kin."  Sorry, I'm trying to translate the King James version, here.  But that's basically what she is saying.

Naturally, Boaz says, "You are so kind.  I thought you'd be out chasing the young studs, but you've chosen me.  OF COURSE we can make love!"

The next day, he tells Ruth not to tell anyone what happened, and gave her six bales of barley to bring to her mother-in-law. 

Naomi, the mother-in-law, said that be still, my daughter, until you know how this matter will fall.  Boaz will not be at ease "until he has finished the thing this day."

Nice, a cliffhanger!  What is "the thing" that Boaz must finish?  I guess we'll find out next time!

Ruth meets Boaz (Ruth, Chapter 2) - When she got to Bethlehem with her mother-in-law Naomi, Ruth began working.  In particular, she was harvesting "corn" when the local landowner (or lord) approached her.  His name was Boaz.

So right there we have a problem.  Corn is something that was only known in the Americas, and the Americas were not known to the people of the Middle East at that time.  Whoever translated the King James Bible must have confused "corn" with some other crop - perhaps wheat?

Anyways, Boaz basically just told Ruth that he's welcome in his field, that she should feel free to drink water and eat, and that he generally admires her for leaving her homeland to be with them.

Basically, it was just a nice gesture of hospitality to the young woman.

Now, if we could just figure out how they got corn in the field 3,000 years before they knew it existed!

Photo by Robert Bejil Photography, Creative Commons

The ancient story of Thelma and Louise (Ruth, Chapter 1) - Who are the two hotties shown above, and why did I choose their photo?  Because I can't put photos from the movie Thelma and Louise, for copyright reasons.  But the two women pictured tell the story, a story about an intense friendship between two women.  That is the story that is being told in the Book of Ruth.

Ruth is a Moabite; a tribe of people disdained by the Israelites.  Deuteronomy 23:3 even says, "That no Moabite shall enter the congregation of the Lord."  Her husband was the son of another widow named Naomi, who is an Israelite hailing originally from Bethlehemjudah.

After Ruth's husband died, she chose to stay with her mother-in-law Naomi, while the other sister-in-law decided to separate from them.

Ruth's vow to Naomi was this (Ruth 1:16 -17):  "Do not ask me to leave you, or to return.  For where you go, I will go; and you lodge, I will lodge.  Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.  Where you die, I will die and there will I be buried.  The LORD do so to me, and more also, only death will part you and I."

With this oath, Naomi saw that Ruth was now her lifelong companion.  I know there's a few people out there who think these two are lesbians, but I don't see any reason to go down that route.  They're B.F.F.'s.  Obviously, Ruth loved her mother-in-law a lot, and enjoyed her companionship.

Together, they set out for Bethlehem.

The Tribe of Benjamin's emblem.

Image from S.S. Teacher Edition: Holy Bible, 1896

Keeping up the Benjamins (Judges, Chapter 21) - Prior to Chapter 20, the Israelites had formed a loose confederation of 12 tribes which were ruled by a council of judges.  After the events of Chapter 20 at the Battle of Gibeah, the tribe of Benjamin was decimated because they had tried to either kill, or gangrape, one of the other Israelite men, a Levite.   It's not clear whether they wanted to kill or gangrape him, but it sounds similar to the story of Noah and I'm leaning toward gangrape.

Instead, the Benjamite men gangraped the man's concubine.  After the gangrape, the Israelite man cut his wife up into pieces and sent the pieces to different parts of the confederation of tribes, and the tribes responded by basically destroying the Benjamins.  If you look at a map of the 12 tribes of Israel, the Benjamins (Benjaminites?) were a little smudge right smack in the middle of all the other tribes!  Though, they did have the city of Jerusalem within their boundaries.

After the civil war, the remnants of the Benjamites were allowed to live on, but all their women and children had been exterminated.  Since none of the Israelites wanted to give their daughters to be wives to the Benjamites, the judges  decided to give the Benjamites a parting gift -which was to essentially invade neighboring tribes, annihilate their entire population save for women "who had not lain with man".

And that's what Chapter 21 is all about - the decision and the carrying out of a mission.  Invade nearby Jabeshgilead, destroy the population, and take their virgin daughters as wives for the Benjamites.

Again, we are confronted with a stark contrast to what modern day religionists try to portray their God to be - the origin of morality.  By far, what we are witnessing in the Old Testament is merely the record-keeping of an ancient culture - a primary source.  The OT is valuable in that sense, as it preserves the odd behaviors, superstitions, and hangups of at least one group of our ancient ancestors - those men who lived long ago in the arid lands which we now associate with Israel.

Now, on to the Book of Ruth, which promises to be a mercifully short book.

Israelites Respond to Women's Dismemberment with Civil War (Judges, Chapter 20) - After the parts of the concubine reach the various regions of Israel, the Israelites gather up and ask the man responsible, "What the hell did you do this for?!?"

They actually said something a little mild, recorded in the King James Bible as "How was this wickedness?"

The man who carved up his concubine responded that while he was staying in Gibeah (a Benjamite town), the house was surrounded by the men of the town who apparently wanted to kill him (or rape him).  Instead, he gave up his concubine to be raped by the Benjamites. After the ordeal, he naturally carved her up and sent her pieces to all of Israel to let everyone know about what happened.

The Israelites gathered a 400,000 man army.  The Benjamites only had a 26,000 man army, plus 700 left-handed slingers.  These slingers apparently could aim at a hair and hit it.  That's right - sniper slingers.

On the first charge against the Benjamites, the Israelites lost 22,000 men.  The second time they lost 18,000 men, despite the okay by God Himself.  It wasn't until a hard-fought third charge that the Israelites managed to rout the Benjamites and when that happened, they went into the Benjamite cities and slaughtered everyone, including their livestock.

And that's how an entire tribe of people were slaughtered because: 1) an Israelite man almost got murdered or raped by a mob people; 2) the Israelite man offered his concubine to be raped by the mob; and 3)after the gangrape, the Israelite man carved up the woman and sent her body parts to various sections of Israelite territory.

Any questions?

The Rape at Bethlehemjudah (Judges 19) - By far, this story is probably the most grotesque chapter I've read yet.  It doesn't involve the slaughter of thousands, but involves the gangrape of [almost] two women.  As Joseph Stalin said, "You kill one man (or gangrape one women), it is a tragedy.  You kill 10 million, it is a statistic."

What is even worse is the implication at the end of the chapter that what happens is moral.  Verse 19:30 says, "... consider it, take advice, and speak your minds."  I invite you to speak your mind as well.

Essentially, this is what happens in Judges 19.  A Levite man and his concubine seek shelter at the house of an old man and his virgin daughter.  In a story almost eerily similar to that of Lot, a group of horny dudes surround their home and demand to have sex with the old man's guest.  Instead, the old man offers his virgin daughter and the Levite's concubine.

To quote him, he says, " Nay, my brethren, nay, I pray you, do not so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly.  Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing."

While the gang of men refused the daughter, they took the concubine and abused the poor woman throughout the night and morning.  During the concubine's night of terror, the Levite apparently had a blast hanging out with the old man.

The next day, she laid in front of the door of the house - presumably a ragged mess.  The Levite picked her up, put her on their donkey, and went home.  At home, he took out a knife and then carved the concubine into 12 pieces, which he had sent to "all the coasts of Israel."

Micah returns silver to his mother, which she made into an idol.

The Danites find their homes (Judges 18) - In this chapter, the Danites find a home and settle it.  They basically took it from the "quiet and secure" people of Laish.

The Danites were just looking for a new place to settlement.  Perhaps they too had been displaced by the Philistines.  After all, they had iron chariots, right?  Not even Yahweh could stop one of those!

The Danites sent out five scouts who came upon Laish, and the scouts realized that the people of Laish were pushovers!  They were "quiet and secure", and didn't even have a formal leader or magistrate.  So, they look for a reason to conquer these people.

They find out that these people use idols!  An ephod, a teraphim, a graven image, and - a molten image!  I don't even know what a molten image, but the ephod is an ornate vest/apron.  A teraphim is a small idol, or a 'household god', which would give good fortune to its owner.  They just looked like small statues, basically.  A graven image is basically a drawing.  That's right - the Second Commandment is a rule against artwork.

Anyways, the scouts now have a reason and return to the Danite elite, telling them about the idols.  They then send 600 guys out and they utterly slaughter the poor Laishites, and the Danites move in and settle.

Oddly enough, the Danites still use the graven image of Micah - and set it up "until the day of the captivity of the land."

This is odd, because the authors seem to have no problem with the Danites having an idol; though they just obliterated a small settlement for that very reason.