A Confrontation Between David and Saul (1 Samuel Chapter 24)

David shows King Saul that he cuts the hem of his cloak.

From outsetministry.org

After chasing down the Philistines, King Saul returns to hunt down David.  While in the wilderness, Saul decides to go inside a cave.  Unbeknownst to him, David and his men were actually hiding out in this very same cave.

So, David basically has Saul by the balls here.  He can easily take him out if he wanted to.  However, David something interesting.  Instead of killing the king, he takes his sword and secretly cuts a piece of his robe off.  King Saul is unaware that this happens, and after some time walks out of the cave.

In the daylight, David follows and calls out to Saul, pointing out that he could have taken his life but instead cut his cloak.  Saul is touched by this show of mercy, and admits that David is the one who has been anointed by God and that he will be king.

Facing this inevitability, Saul asks David to have mercy on his bloodline and to let his descendants live, which David agrees to.

Again, we are faced with the strange mentality of these people.  Rather than put them down for it, it's interesting to see it from their eyes, as there are still people out there today who have similar ideas about how the world is organized.

David's show of mercy is great, and Saul's acceptance of David is even better.  But just the thought that one's descendants are at risk from an up and coming king is a strange artifact of the mentality of monarchies.  Eventually, Saul's descendants may very well have a claim to the throne.

David is young and has not been groomed for royalty, so he's probably naive to this point.  So, David doesn't care about that and agrees to Saul's terms.  After all, David is Yahweh's "anointed one", right?  What's the worse that could happen?

David Hides from King Saul (1 Samuel Chapter 23)

Wilderness in Judah.  David hid from Saul in a place that probably didn't look too different.  From BiblePlaces.com

David is still hiding from Saul.  While hanging out in the wilderness with his men, David is informed that the Philistines have began an assault on the town of Keilah.

David asks Yahweh (God) about what he should do, and Yahweh says to attack him.  So he informs the men to get ready, but they are apparently scared.  Once again, David asks Yahweh for clarification, and Yahweh basically says, "Yes!  Get up and smite those mofos, you're wasting time!  I got your back, bro.  I'm freakin' Yahweh!"

Once God made it abundantly clear, David and takes his men and sure enough wreak havoc upon the ranks of the Philistines, and they save the town of Keilah.

Well, King Saul heard about David's whereabouts and immediately set upon the town Keilah.  Before Saul's troops can get there, David manages to escape into the Wilderness of Maon.

Within the wilderness David basically evades King Saul until finally those troublesome Philistines mount another attack elsewhere, which prompts King Saul to deal with the new threat rather than find his old rival David.

Reading this chapter, I'm loaded with the questions.  Why doesn't Yahweh just end this drama?  Conventionally, Yahweh is the God of the Universe.  However, I get the sense in this chapter that He was more like a finite, yet still powerful deity, like something from the Greek pantheon.  With His affinity for war, I'm almost tempted to say He's on par with Ares, the Greek god of war.

This fits idea of a finite yet still powerful god best fits with the behavior I'm reading about.  Yahweh doesn't have much control, He seems to be filled with petty emotions, and He even deceives humans.

Contrarily, I would imagine an all-powerful being who cares about His creation wouldn't be obsessed with the death of other tribes, and of course the weird fascination He seems to have with sex.

Meet Doeg the Edomite: The Ancient Terminator (1 Samuel, Chapter 22)

Doeg slays priests in the town of Nob.  Image from Mud Preacher.

In the Terminator movies, Skynet sends a Terminator (a robot assassin) back into time to "TER-muh-NATE" the future leader of the Resistance, John Connor.  In the days of the ancient Israelites, 1 Samuel tells the tale of a jealous King Saul sending "Doeg the Edomite" to assassinate a potential rival for the crown, David.

This guy Doeg doesn't mess around.  Apparently, he was the chief servant of Saul, and very loyal.  After hearing that David had fled to the town of Nob, Saul and his servants traveled to the little town.  Saul gets into a minor dispute with a priest named Ahimelech, and afterward asks his servants to slay the priests.  None of them moved.

So Saul turned to loyal Doeg and asks him to kill the priests.  Without question, Doeg turned on his heals and commenced slayed 85 priests.  He even killed multiple men, women, and children of the town too!

The only person who managed to escape was the son of Ahimelech, Abiathar, who fled and found David, reporting all he had seen.  David felt bad for Abiathar.  David actually felt partially to blame for the death of all Abiathar's family.

David told Abiathar not to worry or be scared, because he is safe with him.

David Acts Insane to Escape From Saul's Anger (1 Samuel, Chapter 21)

David acts insane, letting drool dribble over his beard and onto the ground, and begins pounding his fists into the floor.  

This image is from the Brick Testament, which is a hilarious source for Biblical material.

Over the time I've been reading the Bible again, I've learned that approaching the Bible strictly as a "moral code" is ridiculous, and that's just the wrong way to look at it.  It's also wrong to take it seriously or literally.  I suspect that's why so many Christians don't want to read the Bible from cover to cover; because shortly after the first two verses of Genesis, it loses credibility as a tale about reality and so we'd rather just hear the preacher's explanation instead.

However, if we look at it as a source of entertainment, where we can read about some really interesting behavior, the Bible is great.  Sure, it's badly written, but once we stop taking it seriously, ironically it becomes easy to read.  The cognitive dissonance goes away.

In this chapter of 1 Samuel, David is afraid of King Saul's wrath.  If we remember, David is seen as something of a war hero because he killed Goliath on the battlefield.  Now, he is seen as being chosen by God Himself.  King Saul recognizes this and basically wants to kill David before he becomes a threat to his power.

David runs away, and in this chapter he even approaches the enemies of Israel (the kingdom of Gath) to escape from Saul.  But some people in Gath recognized David since he was famous by that time, and called him out on it.  He then acted like a madman, scribbling on some gates, drooling, and hitting the ground with his fists, just so they'd think he WASN'T David!

For some reason, he thought that if he acted like a mad man, they'd change their mind and protect him from Saul.

The chapter closes with Achish, who is the king of Gath, asking, "Have I need of madmen, that you brought this guy to me?"

Perhaps madmen were treated as entertainment back then?  Or was he just being sarcastic?  I guess we'll find out next time.

David and Jonathan Kiss Each Other Goodbye (1 Samuel, Chapter 20)

Again, this relationship between Jonathan and David seems a lot closer than the standard friendship.  There's nothing with that, of course.  And, it's vague enough and ancient enough in context to forgive their kissing and hugging and standing around naked with each other.

However, I've been hearing from apologists, who always make me roll my eyes, that there's no way that these two are gay.  I'm still on the fence on this, but I can't dismiss it as easily as they can, ESPECIALLY after reading this chapter!  Once again, I personally don't care if they're gay.  The only thing that's wrong about them being gay is the context behind the book (The Bible) which I'm reading it, which seems to readily condemn gays.

King Saul, the father of Jonathan, seems to know what's going on between his son and David.  Whether he suspects his son Jonathan of being gay, or perhaps just being more sympathetic to David instead of his own father's crown is not clear.  But when Saul confronts Jonathan, he says this: "You son of a perverse, rebellious woman!  I know you've chosen [David] to your own confusion, and unto the confusion of your mother's nakedness!"

Wow!

You'd almost think Saul caught the two guys making out.

But no, for the record the Bible doesn't state explicitly the nature of their relationship.  It says they love each other, it says they held hands, hugged, kissed, stood around naked, etc.  But it never says they're gay.

Well, Jonathan gets the hint that his dad (King Saul) wants to kill David.  So, he runs to David and tells him.  They even do a gay little pre-planned ritual where David is waiting in a field, Jonathan shoots three arrows and sends a boy to fetch them.  If the "the arrows are to the side" of the boy, David (who is looking on from a hiding spot), will see it as King Saul being cool with David. If, on the other hand, "the arrows are beyond" the boy, David will see that king intends to kill him.  

Yes, I know.  This isn't "gay" behavior.  They're not doing anything explicitly homosexual.  I mean it's "gay" because it's just over-the-top and a little dramatic.

When the time comes to shoot the arrows, the message is obviously that the arrows are beyond.  Jonathan shoots an arrow beyond the boy.  After seeing this, and after the unknowing participant (the boy) leaves, David comes out of hiding and embraces Jonathan.

This is essentially their final goodbye (I think), because David must flee.  They hug, they cry, and they kiss each other farewell.

The Continuing Power Struggle Between David and Saul (1 Samuel Chapter 19)

David and Jonathan chat while chilling on a rock.  Image from LookandLearn.org

King Saul, who still does not know that Yahweh (aka God) doesn't want him to be king anymore, is still squabbling with the young David, who seems to have attracted Yahweh's favor.

In this chapter, Saul reveals some of his nefarious plans to his son Jonathan.  But, as we read in the last chapter, Jonathan seems to have, at the very least, a mancrush on David.  It may even be more, but I won't go there.  He listens to his father's plans, and then defends David, even to the point of making the king swear that he won't kill David because David never did anything against him personally.

This suffices for a while, until war breaks out with the Philistines again and David annihilates them, which just makes Saul look bad again.  Saul is becoming such a dark figure that he's actually portrayed sitting down with a javelin in his hand; possessed by "the evil spirit from the Lord."  He actually tries to kill David himself, but David escapes and a pissed off Saul throws the javelin at a wall.

Saul is really starting to get jealous now, and decides to send assassins.  The Bible calls them "messengers", but they were specifically sent to observe David and then kill him.  So, I think "assassins" is a better word here.  Though, to be exact these were unusually polite assassins.  They actually went to the door of the house and said something to the effect, "Hi, may I see David so we can slay him?"

The people of the house helped David escape, and the assassins were perplexed that David's friends helped him escape.  Well, this hit was getting a little tricky for the friendly assassins.

David escaped to Samuel, whom the book is named after.  Samuel, if you've been following me, is a prophet.  When the assassins saw the prophets prophesying as if they were appointing David, the assassins also realized the err of their ways and also began prophesying, returning to Saul and telling him what transpired.

Two more times Saul sends "messengers" and each time they return prophesying.  All this prophesying seems to get Saul all worked up, because he then takes off all his clothes and lays down all day and night, and prophesies himself.  The chapter ends here, but I smell a resolution to the power struggle coming soon. 

Possible Gay Couple in the Old Testament! (1 Samuel, Chapter 18)

Jonathan and David

There may not have been an Adam and Steve, but there was a Jonathan and Dave.  Chapter 18 opens up with the understandably little known story of Jonathan and David, and it reads like they were gay lovers of the type found in Athenian or Carthaginian soldiers, like the Sacred Band of Thebes.

Now, I'm sure there's plenty of apologetics out there trying to explain this away, so here's the facts, not the spin.  18:1 says that their souls were knit together.18:3 says David loved Jonathan as his own soul.  18:4 says Jonathan took off all his clothes and armor and gave it to David.

It's ambiguous and the point can be argued either way, but it is at least suspicious to the average reader, which I purport myself to be.  I'm just reading the Bible again just to make sure I didn't miss anything.  This second time around is obviously a lot more engaged then previous times.

Also in this chapter, Saul, who I guess has not been told yet that he's not the king that Yahweh (God) wants, is becoming jealous of David.  Apparently, they start a contest on who can kill the most people in the name of God.  This is like the wet dream of the most religious people alive today!

King Saul engages in a little bit of deception.  Saul saw that David was enamored with his daughter, and figured that giving her to David would calm him down.  Saul said David can have his daughter (named Michal), and he didn't need a dowry.  However, he did want 100 Philistine foreskins.

Think about that.

A lot of people give their wife a wedding ring, in some cultures the groom is expected to give the family money or gifts (a dowry), but in this case David is asked to bring 100 FORESKINS!

Well, David wanted Michal so bad that he went and killed 200 Philistines, and brought back 200 foreskins.  Piles of foreskins seems to be a fairly common thing in the Old Testament!   Paying 200 foreskins for a bride is a rather odd price, and it's also very weird.  That's why I find it interesting that this story isn't as well-known as it ought to be.

It almost seems like our own modern morality causes Bible readers to ignore these passages.  Not me.  I find these passages immensely interesting, and at the same time it just cements my personal belief that Bible is not a guide to morality, but "empty bleatings of a barbaric tribe", as Christopher Hitchens might put it.

David Slays Goliath (1 Samuel, Chapter 17)

David slays Goliath.  From kingjamesbibleonline.org

Perhaps one of the most well-known stories of the Bible is about young David killing the giant Philistine champion named Goliath.  

Prior to David's encounter with Goliath, the Israelites and the Philistines have been battling it out for at least 40 days near the Valley of Elah, in a place called Ephesdammin. During each of those days, the 10-foot tall Goliath would start off the day taunting the Israelites, saying that if one of them can defeat him, then the Philistines will be their servants; and vice versa.  No one took him up on this offer.

David wanted to take him up on this opportunity, but he was young and he wasn't part of the Israelite army.  But after hearing about these taunts, David approached Saul (who still thinks he is king) and tells him that as a shepherd, he killed a lion AND a bear at the same time when they took one of his father's lambs.  He even saved the lamb by taking it out of the lion's mouth.  

This story deserves a little attention.  After all, it is highly unlikely that both a lion AND a bear would ever cooperate to take a lamb from a flock.

But this story was meant to convince Saul that he (David) can easily take on Goliath.  Apparently, Saul was convinced!  He offered David his sword and some armor, but David refused and instead chose five smooth stones by a nearby river and his sling.

When Goliath sees David approaching him, he laughs.  After all, David just a youth.   Goliath had a huge sword, a brass helmet, and some heavy mail.  So, Goliath was well armed and armored.  David, on the other hand, just had his robe, a wooden staff, a sling, and some rocks.  David was not put off at all, he said a few choice insults, calmly grabbed a stone from his bag, and then slung it at Goliath.  

Too bad this story is probably not real, because the one shot, one kill with a measly sling would make any sniper proud.  The stone embedded itself into Goliath's head, who then fell face down.  David took Goliath's sword and cut off his head.

The sight of this scared the bejesus out of the Philistines, who turned tail and ran.  The Israelites seized the opportunity and pursued the routing army.  

Needless to say, Saul was thoroughly impressed by David's performance.

Yahweh Chooses A New King (1 Samuel, Chapter 16)

Samuel anoints David.  Image from Wikipedia  

Chapter 16 is an interesting chapter.  It's about how Yahweh (God) chooses a new king, largely because the previous king (Saul) did not kill everyone and everything as he was commanded.  This chapter has some contradictions and just overall foolishness.

It starts with God asking Samuel how long he's going to mourn over the loss of Saul as king, because God has someone else in mind and would like to get moving on this new project.  God's idea is to get one of "Jesse's" sons.  I'm not sure who Jesse is.  The author of this chapter must be one of those people who brings up people's names in conversations whom the listener doesn't know but is expected to know.  

Samuel is worried because if he tells Saul that he is no longer king, then Saul might just kill Samuel.  So, God comes up with a clever plan.  First, the "spirit" of God left Saul, and God instead replaces this spirit with an "evil spirit."  The spirit of God had went into David after Samuel anointed him a little earlier in the chapter.

Later, Saul (who apparently hasn't been told yet that he's no longer king) is sitting around his court with an evil spirit inside him, and decides that he wants a musician.  He hears that Jesse's son David is a great harp player, and that God is with him too. Oh, the irony!  He doesn't realize that the God is LITERALLY with David!

So, David shows up and plays harp for Saul.  While David is playing the "evil spirit from God" LEAVES Saul because of David's astounding harp playing.  Saul absolutely loves David, and becomes an instant fan. 

The chapter ends here, but the contradiction is that here we see that Saul knows who David is.  But, in the next chapter, Saul completely forgets who David is!  It's things like this why scholars over the years think that each book of the Bible may have multiple authors, who were using other texts that said slightly different things.  In this case, it's like watching Metallica play and then falling in love with their music, but shortly afterward completely forgetting who they are.

Saul bumbles again (1 Samuel, Chapter 15)

Saul grabs Samuel's robe, and accidentally tears it (15:27).

Image from HTML Bible

Chapter 15 is pretty straight forward.  Basically, God (aka Yahweh) remembers that Amalekites did some pretty mean things to the Israelites a few hundred years ago, so He orders that they should be exterminated - elderly, men, women, children, infants, livestock, EVERYTHING).

Saul does a few things wrong however, he actually let a group of people called the Kenites go, because they were actually kind to the Israelites even though they were living with the Amalekites.  I don't think this is what got Yahweh pissed off, though.  What pissed Yahweh off was that Saul didn't kill everyone.

Saul had the gall to let the Amalekite king live (though all other Amalekites were slaughtered - men, women, children), and Saul decided to keep the best of the animals.

This pissed Yahweh off to no end, and He even said that He regretted making Saul a king.  Imagine that - God has regrets!

Now, to be honest, Saul did this because the people asked.  But, this is not what the Supreme Leader asked, via His spokesperson Samuel.

When Samuel learned that Saul had not followed the God's commands to the letter, He chewed out the king, in a display that showed who the real power was.  The power isn't the king, who is a secular authority of sorts, but through the priesthood and especially via Samuel.  In the picture above, Saul is shamed for his bad behavior and grabs the mantle of Samuel's cloak, accidentally tearing it.

After tearing the cloak, Samuel sees symbolism in it and says that God has torn the Kingdom of Israel away from you, Saul, and has given it to your neighbor.

The chapter ends in a final morbid scene.  Saul, who has been stripped of his kingship, approaches King Agag of the Amalekites - their last surviving member.  "Surely, the bitterness of death has passed," said Agag.

Saul replies, "As the sword has made women childless, so too will your mother (who is probably dead by now) be childless among women."  With that, Saul cut Agag into many pieces.

Should Saul's Son Die Because He Ate Honey? (1 Samuel, Chapter 14)

Archaeologists think these two rocks at Michmach Gorge (forefront), are the rocks named Bozez and Seneh, mentioned in this chapter.  

From LifeInTheHolyLand.com

In this chapter, we're faced with an interesting question.  If a rule is made, but someone who didn't hear the rule breaks it, should that person be punished? 

In this chapter, Saul's son Jonathan and perhaps 600 men secretly leave to go wreak havoc among the Philistines.  As Jonathan made his way to the Philistines, the text mentions him passing through two rocks called Bozez and Seneh (see photo above). 

I like how the author played up the conflict.  On the one hand, the Israelites call the Philistines "the uncircumcised".  On the other, the Philistines seem to refer to the Israelites as rats.  "Look," says one Philistine, "the Israelites have come out of the holes in which they've been hiding."

The short battle, affectionately called Jonathan's "first slaughter", resulted in 20 dead Philistines in a one-half acre area.  The Israelite God (Yahweh) was very pleased at this turn of events and caused an earthquake.

This victory enthused the Israelites so much that they joined Saul and Jonathan in the fight against the Philistines, and wreaked plenty of destruction and shed much blood. 

It is here that Saul makes an oath, "Any man who eats before the evening will be cursed, so I can avenge my enemies."  The problem is, at the time of this decree, Saul's son Jonathan was not around.

While Jonathan was out slaughtering Philistines, he had eaten some honey.  (1 Samuel 14:27)

Later on, when Jonathan heard of this decree, he was convinced that he had to die.  Saul was even convinced!  However, the Israelites loved Jonathan so much because of his battlefield victories they asked that he not be sacrificed.

After the Philistines are put into their place, the Israelites take over Israel and continue fighting (and slaughtering) the other tribes - Moabites, Ammonites, Ebonites, the kings of Zobah, and even their old friends the Amalekites. 

Samuel Rebukes Paul (1 Samuel, Chapter 13)

Samuel gets pissed at Saul for being impatient and offering a sacrifice too soon.  From Outset Ministry

I guess old Saul started getting a little power hungry, or he was starting to displease the clergy.  Chapter 13 starts off with Saul sending troops to take out the Philistine garrison in nearby Geba.  Naturally, Philistines in surrounding areas were pissed after hearing about this, and started raising an army against the Israelites.

The Israelites were starting to panic, and started hiding all over the place: in caves, in forests, wherever.  Those who were with Saul stayed with him, though they too were a little scared.  Of course, Saul did what any Bronze Age ruler would do when the odds were stacked against him.  He gathered a bunch of animals, and offered them up as a sacrifice.

When finally Samuel came around, he approached Saul and told him he screwed up big time.  What was his big mistake?  Aside from starting another war with the Philistines, Samuel made the burnt offerings too soon.  I know what you're thinking.  GASP!  How could he?!?

Samuel said that Yahweh must have made a mistake.  Even after all the signs which pointed to Saul, apparently he was the wrong guy!  Samuel says, "But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee."

This is a prelude to a future chapter.  After showing that he was willing to take matters into his own hands, and not consult the clergy, the real powermongers (the clergy) decided that Saul was not the easily controlled puppet whom they thought he'd be.  That's just my reading of it.  They will eventually bring in another king, who will be far more pious then Saul.

Samuel Shows Off (1 Samuel, Chapter 12)

Samuel, the guy who with the help of Yahweh crowned the Israelites' first king, goes out to the people and tells them what's up.

"I heard your voice and have made a king for you.  He walks among you today.  Tell me, is there any among you who can say I stole from them, lied to them, or received a bribe?  Anyone?," taunted Sam. (12:1)

Of course, I think that if this story is true there was probably quite a bit of deception going on, as this is basically Samuel playing politics.  He's going to make an argument saying that God (Yahweh) is on his side.  This is where religion meets politics. 

The Israelites, the Bronze Age superstitious tribesmen that they were, had no reason to think that Samuel was lying, so they reply, "No, you haven't lied to us or deceived us!"

I like to imagine Samuel doing flourishes with his hands, like a televangelist, when he recounts how Yahweh led their people out of Egypt, and the early history of the Israelites, with their various eras of slavery and liberation, and all the times that Yahweh killed even them when they chose not to believe.

He's essentially saying that Yahweh brought them to where they are today.

"Behold the king you have chosen, and whom you have desired!  Behold, God has given you a king!" exclaimed Samuel!" exclaimed Samuel, probably to the roar of a crowd.

"If you obey His (Yahweh's) commandments, then you and the king's reign shall continue.  But, if you don't ... you know what happens, and what has happened in the past!" (12:5-15)

Of course, it doesn't say it, and I'm not sure how historical this story is, but if it is indeed a historical account and some scribe was writing down everything Samuel was saying, this next part is pretty cool.


Storm clouds were probably coming their way, and any good shaman could use it as a way to emphasize their message.  "Now see this - today is harvest day, is it not?  I will call upon God, and He will send thunder and rain, so that you will see that by asking for a king, you've actually done a wicked thing."  (12:16)

Samuel "called" upon Yahweh and sure enough, thunder and rain happened; and the people were scared of both Yahweh and Samuel.

"Follow Yahweh, your God, and live; but if you should falter in your faith, both you AND your king will be consumed," concluded Samuel. (12:19-24)

These quotes attributed to Samuel aren't verbatim of course, I'm reading a King James version, but this is basically what is being said.

The Slaughter of the Ammonites (1 Samuel, Chapter 11)

David Punishing the Ammonites. By Gustave Dore, created in the 1800s

Strange things start brewing when an Ammonite named Nahash meets up with the elders of Judah.  The elders offer a peace treaty and an alliance (i.e. a covenant), and Nahash essentially says, "We can have peace if you allow me to pluck out each of your right eyes."

The elders are taken aback, and said, "Hm, give us seven days.  If no one wants to save us, then we'll come to you."

The elders go back to the city and tell the inhabitants of their plight, to which they all cry.

The elders then run to King Saul, who gets angry (actually, God gets angry and that's why Saul gets angry) and thus Saul's first task as king will be dealing with the Ammonites.

Saul basically rounded up 30,000 Israelites from Judah and then laid waste to 300,000 Ammonites, "slaying the Ammonites until the heat of the day."  The Ammonites survivors were so few and scattered about that no two were left together.

Afterward, Saul enters Israel (where the Ammonites were), and renews the kingdom in Gilgal.  A celebration of the new king of Israel then ensued, with God knows how many sacrifices, and all the men had fun.  Presumably, the women had to clean up after them.  Wow, not much changed after so many thousands of years!

The Coronotion of Saul (1 Samuel, Chapter 10)

Saul preaching at Ramah.    Credit: By David Martin (1639-1721).This painting is more than 100 years old.

The most interesting thing about reading the Bible is marveling how simple its authors are.  We really get a feel for what impresses them.  We come across obvious errors in the text, which are irreconcilable to the dogma that the Bible is "inerrant".

Chapter 10 is basically about Yahweh's plan to make Saul more credible as a candidate for king.  The fact that Yahweh picked Saul Himself seems to escape the Israelites, who like most people just want a credible person to be in charge.

Using Miracles to Affect Politics

First, Saul has to be convinced so a series of signs happen to help him.  First, he will meet "two men by Rachel's sepulchre" who will speculate on Saul's father, feeling bad for his sons loss of sheep.  Second, he will come across three men, who will give him two loaves and some wine. Then, a public sign is practically staged so that the people will see Saul as being worthy of the crown.  This involves Saul prophesying in the company of 100 prophets.

All these signs happen in order, and when he prophesies with the 100 prophets, the people are impressed.  They ask themselves, "Is Saul also among the prophets?"

Biblical Errancy

Right here is where I want to point out one of the inerrancies.  Later on, in 1 Samuel 19:24, is another story that is supposed to be the origin of the rumor that Saul is a prophet.  The story is completely different, and involves him lying around naked!

Anyways, later on the Israelite tribes vote for a king, and when Saul is selected he is nowhere to be found.  The Israelites asked Yahweh where Saul is, and Yahweh says, "Behold, he has hid himself among the stuff."

Read that again.  I thought that was kind of funny.

Finally, when Saul is found, he stands taller than the rest of the Israelites "from his shoulders upward."  Here, we can see how being tall is an impressive trait to the Israelites.  It still is today!  While the author seems to be using Saul's height as a justification for his kingship, no one can deny that tall height is a desirable characteristic.  

The only people who don't seem to dig Saul are the children of Belial, who grumble among themselves asking, "How will this man save us?"  Their feelings toward Saul were apparently strong enough for them to not give him a coronation gift.

Mention of a Possible Lost Book

Of particular interest is mention of a possible lost book; another Book of Samuel.  Chapter 10:25: "Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and wrote it in a book."  

Yahweh Chooses Saul As King of the Israelites (1 Samuel, Chapter 9)

In Chapter 9, a young man named Saul is introduced.  He's tall, handsome, and "goodly".  In fact, he's the "goodliest" man of all the Benjamites.  One day he was sent, along with a servant, to look for his father's donkeys, and he went all over the land looking for those damned donkeys, too!

Finally, as fate would have it, he happened upon the city in which Samuel (the current judge) was waiting for him.  The night before, Yahweh (God) told Samuel that around this time tomorrow the man who He chose to be king of the Israelites would appear. 

So, from the humble origins of a man looking for his dad's donkeys, Saul stumbles into quite a conundrum.  He finds the donkeys at least, because they were apparently found by Samuel.  Saul was surprised by all the special treatment he was receiving, for he was a member of the smallest of the Israelite tribes, and was of fairly simple origins. 

The chapter ends in cliffhanger fashion with Samuel just about to break the news to Saul.  After some fine dining, Samuel tells Saul: "Ask your servant to leave (and the servant leaves) and stand still for awhile, for I am going to show you the Word of God."

Israelites Demand a King (1 Samuel, Chapter 8)

King Saul, from Wikimedia Commons

While Samuel was a good judge, his two sons were apparently a couple of crooks; caring mostly about money, taking bribes, and having bad judgment in general.  So, the Israelites didn't want these two guys running the show.  Instead, they wanted to have a king to judge them.

Samuel was a little butthurt about this and consulted old Yahweh.  Yahweh said by wanting a king, they are rejecting Me, and this is made most abundantly clear by the fact that they are still worshiping other gods!  

Yes, the Israelites are still worshiping other gods!  It's almost like this one isn't obvious enough for them.

Yahweh instructs Samuel to let the people know what a king entails, and Samuel does as he is told.

Sammy boy let's the Israelites know that a king will take all their firstborn sons and use them to ride his chariots in battle, or as foot soldiers; and that a tenth of everything they own will belong to the king.

The Israelites didn't mind that all, and still wanted to have a king to rule over them.  Samuel reports this to the Creator of the Universe, and so He instructs Samuel to appoint a king.  The chapter ends with Samuel calling out to the men of the city, "Go ye every man unto his city."

Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant

The Ark of the Covenant found ... at DragonCon!!!  Photo by Olaf Gradin

Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant (Chapter 7) - Since last time, the Philistines have been in a mad dash to rid themselves of the Ark of the Covenant, which has brought nothing but suffering to them.  In Chapter 7, the Ark finds itself in an old house in the town of Kirjathjearim, where it stays for about 20 years!

Finally, Samuel suggests to the Israelites that if they give up the gods Baalim and Ashtaroth, then Yahweh will free them from the Philistines.  So, the Israelites drop the two other gods and begin worshiping Yahweh fervently. 

After the Israelites do this, Samuel then asks the Israelites to gather in the valley of Mizpeh.  Whent he Philistines get word of this movement, they send men out to deal with what they think was an attempt at rebellion by the already beaten Israelite people.

However, after praying to Yahweh and after Samuel sacrifices a young lamb, God takes out all the Philistines who rose up against the Israelites and the chapter ends very quickly after that.

A golden nugget found in a Las Vegas casino.  Does it look like a hemorrhoid?

Photo by Ken Lund, Creative Commons

Give unto God ... um ... golden images of your hemorrhoids? (1 Samuel, Chapter 6) - As I read through the Bible, I am continuously struck by the things that I missed the first time around!  This chapter did not disappoint me in weirdness.

The Philistines, in shock because so many died at the hands of the Israelite god Yahweh, wanted to get rid of the Ark of the Covenant.  They had also suffered mice and a particularly nasty case of hemorrhoids because of their capture of the Ark.  Sure, Yahweh helped them capture it, and oddly enough is punishing the ones He just helped out, but I never said the story was supposed to make sense.

Now, the Philistines just want to return the cursed thing, and so ask the terms in which to return it.  The Israelite representative suggests that the Philistines DO NOT return it empty!  Rather, they must cast five golden mice and five golden hemorrhoids.

Yes, that's right!  Part of the return policy is to cast images of the hemorrhoids that just afflicted them!  Wow, that's really rubbing their nose in their afflictions, isn't it!?!

Well, they do it!

Finally, to prove that it was indeed the Israelite god that is responsible for the deaths and the afflictions, the Philistines do one last investigative technique.  After putting the golden hemorrhoids and mice into the Ark, and having the Ark towed by two cows, the Philistines let the cows go.  If the cows go straight to a place called Bethshemeth, then indeed it was Yahweh's doing.  The cows do go to Bethshemeth.  Therefore, it was Yahweh's doing.  There's something fishy about that line of reasoning, and I'll leave that to you the reader to figure out.

When some farmers in Bethshemeth happen upon the Ark, they look inside and find the five hemorrhoids and five mice, and they send each piece of gold to surrounding cities.  However, because they looked into the Ark, Yahweh kills 50,000 people from Bethshemeth!  As the proverb goes, "Curiosity killed the cat."

So now, the men of Bethshemeth want to get rid of the Ark, and plot to give it to the nearby town of Kirjathjearim.

To be continued ...

The Semitic fertility god Dagon.  Public Domain.

Bad luck follows those who house the Ark of the Covenant (Chapter 5) - A series of unfortunate events followed the captors of the Israelites' Ark of the Covenant, first to the city of Ashdod. 

First, the Philistines lay the Ark next to a statue of Dagon, the Philistine fertility god.  The next morning, Dagon was facedown on the ground.  Thinking it was a coincidence, they set Dagon upright again and the next morning the statue was fallen again, only this time with its head and hands removed. 

Later, Yahweh (the Israelite god) became angry of the Philistines, "destroyed" many of them, and then smote the rest of them with hemorrhoids!!! 

The people of Ashdod then suggest that the statue be moved to the nearby city of Gath, and upon hearing this the people of Gath say, "Hell no, we don't want hemorrhoids!" 

This is a funny story, albeit a little disturbing.  Why would Yahweh be so upset about the Ark being in Philistine hands?  These days, He's always portrayed as being all powerful (and all-knowing), yet He seems unable to do much more than regional punishments.  On top of that, His punishments seem odd and unjust.  If a god is angry that some people stole the Ark that represents His covenant to some other Bronze Age tribe, why doesn't He just kill those responsible? Why kill and cause hemorrhoids to people who had absolutely nothing to do with it?  


More importantly, how did this happen in the first place?  We're talking about the Almighty, right?  I guess not yet.  Yahweh isn't Almighty yet.  That comes much later.