Joshua Divides Conquered Territories Amongst Israelite Tribes (Joshua Chapter 13) - Joshua is getting pretty old now, and now he is given the task of dividing the conquered lands and appropriating them to the various Israelite tribes.

There's not much else to it, so I don't want to bore you, except that there seems to be a confusion of names.  It starts off with Joshua being old and told my Yahweh that he must divide the remaining land amongst the tribes; and then suddenly it's Moses dividing the land.  And, I get a feeling this is a repetition or some sort of reiteration from Numbers. 

Also noteworthy is that tribe of Levites do not get any inheritance (because they are the priestly tribe), for their inheritance is Yahweh Himself. 

So anyways, this chapter is a little bit confusing

"If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder ... that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death." Deuteronomy 13:1-5

Under this law alone, many people would have been put to death. John Lennon, Spinoza, Isaac Newton, Moses, Jesus ... all guilty of being either a prophets and dreamers if judged from the eyes of the ancient Israelites. Luckily, these eyes are long closed.

Deuteronomy, Chapter 13 is a sermon to the Israelites on the evils of new ideas, aka heresy.

A few verses later (13:6-10) Moses spells it out clearly: ""If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him ... But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people."

Today of course, we ignore all of Moses' advice in this chapter, but I must ask you. If the Bible is a manual for morality, what is it that causes us to ignore this verse but find wisdom in a verse like that in Leviticus that says to "Love your neighbor."?

Destroying Altars

Okay, I was a bit misleading last time. Yahweh doesn't ask the Israelites to drink the blood of animals, rather he asks them to a) sacrifice an animal, b) pour the blood out all over the altar, and then c) eat the flesh. Satan probably wasn't invented yet, but Satanists (the devil worshipping kind, not the 'atheist' kind) today might recognize the ritual as one of their own.

Moses also instructs the Israelites to go out and completely destroy the altars and groves of the nations surrounding them. He's basically trying to shore up Yahweh as the only god for the Israelites. This violent backlach against other religions suggests that these other religions were a bit of a problem for the budding Yahwists. It seems feasible at least that at least a few Israelites were a little too interested in the religions of their neighbors, and the political infrastructure of Israelite society wanted to stop this curiosity.

In the words of Moses (Deuteronomy 12:30), "Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise."

Moses then brings up the human sacrifices of their neighbors as a reason not to follow them. Which is odd, because this is the same society that has no problem executing disobedient sons, women who had sex before their wedding day, and killing the children of the nations they conquer (or should I say, "happily dashes the little ones on the rocks?).

I'm getting this weird picture here. And it goes soundly with the principle that "History is written by the conquerors." The Israelites were a sort of rogue militaristic nation amongst many other similarly cultured Sumerian/Canaanite nations. It was the Israelites who had the strongest drive to go out and conquer their enemies. These other nations didn't put up a very good resistance either.

Some might say it's because Yahweh was on their side. I'd have to disagree. It might've 'seemed' like Yahweh on their side, in the same sense finding an empty parking space in front of Walmart might seem like God reserved it just for you. But I think the Israelites were just a lot more organized then their neighbors. They had a great propaganda machine going on. And they probably had a charismatic leader. Then again, it's also quite likely that a lot of this is early stuff about Israel is legend. Many scholars don't even think Moses was real; but I'm sure that some cult leader was responsible for the upstart religion/nation.

A lot of what is said in the Book of Numbers and most of the Pentateuch isn't supported by archaeology, either. The places might correspond, but the events as they are recorded in the Bible don't match up (like millions of people wandering the wilderness).

Anyways, the Israelites continue to have problems with other religions until the later 'reformist' kings begin their rule. Right now, Deuteronomy is trying to describe a time when the Israelites were just getting a foothold in the region.

Next time, we'll discuss why Yahweh nor the Israelites would not have liked John Lennon much.

Hindsight is 20/20, and if I was in the crowd whom Moses is talking to in Deuteronomy 11, and knew what I know now, I'd have to call Moses out on his b.s. Of course, I'd probably be stoned for blasphemy, too.

Chapter 11 is basically an appeal to the Israelites, and it can be summed up real quick. Follow these commandments that I give you; and you will be blessed. Don't follow them; your life is going to suck.

Even if I'm trying to be sympathetic to these guys in the Old Testament, I can't. It's just so easy to see through their facade. This is really just politics of fear. "If you're not with us; you're against us."

But that's cool, I have read this in the past, but not as critical. Now, as I read the Bible I am increasingly amazed that people think this is the "greatest book of all time," especially when it is most emphatically NOT. Shakespeare is better than this. Hell, reading Hegel's ramblings on the Zeitgeist is better than this!

But still I trudge on. Next time, Yahweh asks the Israelites to drink blood during their sacrifices.

Above: An image from www.thebricktestament.com, a young man posts the Law on his gates to keep the Law strong in Israelite society.

After going over the Second Commandment in Chapter 4, Moses reviews all of the Commandments in Chapter 5, and then in Chapter 6 he talks about how to keep the law going. This is basically what Deuteronomy seems to be: a series of sermons from Moses to the Israelites. It's like the pastor's playbook.

In the first three chapters, they reviewed their time in the wilderness. More information was added to it then in Exodus and Numbers. They fought a lot of giants, and conquered off a lot of Canaanite tribes, for example. Now, Moses is reviewing the Commandments with a little more depth, and it's written more like a sermon.

"... when ye heard the voice out of the midst of the darkness, (for the mountain did burn with fire,) that ye came near unto me, even all the heads of your tribes, and your elders ...", sounds like Moses is talking directly to people.

And I think I've already laid out the problems with the Ten Commandments (i.e. women are property, it's okay to own slaves, punishment doesn't fit the crime, etc.).

Chapter 6 is another sermon from Moses, and it is about how to keep the law going strong in Israelite society: which is basically to remind everyone about it and keep talking about it. It sounds like something the Communists were famous for, and what EVERY society does: good ol' fashioned propaganda.

Except, instead of talking about the revolution, or democracy, or freedom; the Israelites were concerned about keeping the Law. What steps did they take? Here's the rundown:

1. Teach it to the children.
2. Talk about it in the privacy of your home or out in public, when sitting, lying down, or standing up.
3. Bind copies of the Law to your hands and on your head.
4. Put it on door posts and to the gates of your house.

Perhaps the last two seem extreme, but we've seen it. The Red Star or the American flag hat; the Che Guevara poster on the wall. The Israelites can be said to have been the first people to record this behavior.

Next time, we discuss bad archaeology in Old Testament.

In Deuteronomy, Chapter 3, Moses and his band of Israelites take on yet ANOTHER giant! This time, he's the king of the Bashanites; a man named Og.

While his name sounds like he's nothing more than a primitive caveman, and his nation sounds like a violent gang (the Bashingites?), Og is apparently the last of the race of giants. I think that's the Israelite priests' gimmick; portray Moses as the Giant Slayer.

Sure enough, we get another wonderful pearl of wisdom in Chapter 3: "And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city. And we utterly destroyed them ... utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city. But all the cattle, and the spoil of the cities, we took for a prey to ourselves."

Now, since Og was a giant, he was obviously no pushover. According to the narrator, Og was 9 cubits high! That's like 13 feet high! Shaq ain't got nothin' on him. Og's bed along was 13.5 feet long and six feet wide!

Moses later comforts Joshua with a little pep talk. He essentially says, "You saw how we breezed through those two kingdoms so easily. You serve an awesome God. What OTHER god is there that could kill so many people?!?"

Next time, God promises to utterly destroy anyone who creates ANY graven image!

Above: A giant from Greek mythology, the Cyclops. Isn't it likely that giants were a regular subject in ALL ancient mythology?

Well, let me just say that I'm very excited to be finishing up the Pentateuch. As I started reading the first two chapters of Deuteronomy I noticed that this book seems to be written more as a letter to the Israelite people, from Moses, and basically just recounting what they did.

In Chapters 1 and 2, it almost seems like there's a lot of repetition going on. In Chapter 1, Moses talks about killing the Amorites and their king, a group of giants called the Anakims, and about the faithless cowardice of the Israelite people.

I find the talk of giants to be interesting. There were quite a few tribes apparently. There was of course the Nephilim, whom we learned of previously. But there was also the Anakim, the Emim, the Avims, and the Caphtorims - all of which lived in different areas.

For some reason, Moses talks about the strange arbitrary choice to let the Moabites and Ammonites live in peace, but kill off people like the Amorites, which we learned of in Numbers. He even "hardened the heart" of the King of Sihon, just so the king would come out and fight the Israelites and give the Israelites a good reason to kill of his people. That's crazy talk!

To quote the author of Deuteronomy, ""And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people. And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain."

The Israelites discover an interesting way to qwell a rebellion: give 'em what they want.

A few significant things happen in Numbers, Chapter 20. Miriam dies, Aaron dies, another rebellion occurs, and the Kingdom of Edom refuse to give the Israelites passage through their kingdom.

To sum it up, on the way to the land of milk and honey (aka "the Promised Land"), the Israelites have pass through the desert of Zin. There is no water, and so the people begin complaining again. This time, they know what's going to happen, but in their words, they'd rather die by Yahweh's hand then to die of thirst.

After consulting with Yahweh, Moses comes back with an interesting tactic to qwell the rebellion; give 'em what they want. Yahweh told him to gather the congregation and basically impress them by making water come from a rock.

Moses gathers the congregation and yells out, " Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch you water out of this rock?" And then he taps the rock twice and a fountain of water shoots out. Everyone is happy; except Yahweh. Yahweh is pissed! You see, Yahweh told Moses to simply speak to the rock; not hit it.

And for this transgression, Yahweh tells Moses and Aaron that they won't be able to see the promised land. Sucks for them. But still, the people didn't get slaughtered off, and that's a good thing.

Well, they continue on their journey and find they have to cross the kingdom of Edom. Edom does not allow them to pass, even after some reasonable bartering on the part of the Israelites. In fact, Edom sends out his army to make sure the Israelites don't pass. And so the Israelites have to go around.

The Israelites come across Mount Hor. At this mountain, Yahweh says that Aaron will die here. He tells Aaron to go up the mountain a ways, and Moses is to take off Aaron's clothing, and put the clothing on Aaron's son. They take off Aaron's clothes, put them on his son, and Aaron dies, presumably butt naked, on the mountain.

As we can see, this is starting to sound like Greek mythology, of sorts. Yahweh is acts like a Greek god or goddess. Sure, He's one god, as opposed to many. But in this one god, we have the traits that stand out in any god at that period of time. Yahweh isn't a vague mysterious deity; He's personal and He's very emotional, and He's definitely got some MAJOR character flaws. Talk about touchy!

Next time, the Israelites massacre two cities and have yet another rebellion, and this time Yahweh qwells the rebellion with snakes.

Imagine that you're part of a society where one small group of people enjoys special privileges over the vast majority. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you had the balls to stand up to them, saying that everyone should enjoy the same political equality and everyone should be able to think for themselves. This might sound familiar, because those are essentially what democracy is all about.

This is what's happening in Numbers, Chapter 16. Except in Numbers, the folks with the democratic mentality are portrayed as the bad guys.


It's kind of like the American Revolution, from the perspective of the British. The simple fact of the matter is any human being can recognize when people are being treated unfairly, and when that happens, people get pissed off.

The rebels approach Moses and Aaron with the same gripe the last few people had, except with a much more indepth speech.

Two rebels named Abiram and Dathan say, "Isn't it enough that you us took out of Egypt to die here in this desert? Now, you want to make yourselves rulers over the people? You have not even brought us to this promised land of milk and honey. Do you think you can hoodwink us?"

In response, Moses talks to Yahweh, and then tells the rebels to meet him tomorrow at the Tabernacle with incense. Whoa, incense!?! Remember what happened to Aaron's sons? I smell a trap.

Sure enough, God has arranged to smite all these rebels, by having the Earth swallow them up and send them alive to "Sheol". Because of their courage (since they should've known what happens to complainers), and also because of their well-reasoned argument, the Skeptics Annotated Bible has called them the first "Freethought Martyrs".

"And they stoned him with stones until he was dead, as Yahweh had ordered them." - Numbers 15:36

Imagine you're out gathering firewood for the family on a Sunday morning, and then your neighbors see you, apprehend you, and then bring you to your church pastor, who sentences you to death. Would that suck?

Well, that's how people rolled back then, and they were only following the 4th Commandment: "Keep the Sabbath holy."

Back then, the Israelites had their Sabbath on Saturdays (Jews still do), but it's the same concept - one mandatory day off. Have you noticed that no one follows this anymore? Plenty of people work on Sundays - lawn maintenance, shopping, working, auto care, gardening, etc. If the 10 Commandments were still in effect, there's be a lot of killin'. Christians say it's because Jesus nullified the Old Testament law. Then why the big fuss about the 10 Commandments?

Well, Jesus didn't. In fact, he said that not one jot or scribble of the law shall pass until he returns. Is it moral to follow the 4th Commandment?

There's two responses that usually arise when questioning the 10 Commandments. First, "It was okay in that time and that cultural context," and "Come on, Andy. A guy getting executed for picking up sticks is a little bit extreme."

Well, Numbers Chapter 15, Verses 32 through 36 has an interesting story about a young man who was picking up sticks one fine Sabbath day.

They "caught" him, which kind of sounds like the guy even took off and ran, and then brought him before Moses, Aaron, and the rest of the community. They put him into custody, while Moses talked with the Almighty (Yahweh), asking Him what to do with the evil stick-gatherer.

Yahweh Himself says, "The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones outside the camp."

And so they took the guy outside the camp, and the entire community threw stones at him until he died.

Again, I ask: Is it moral to follow the 4th Commandment?

Above: A favorite piece of 'evidence' from conspiracy theorists. A Photoshopped picture of an alleged giant, whom are supposed to have been descended from the Nephilim.

Remember in Start Trek, or Star Wars for that matter, when the captain and all of his highest ranking officers would be the FIRST people to explore a new planet? Well, that's what the Israelites kinda did with Canaan, as of Numbers, Chapter 13.

Of course, in Star Trek, Captain Kirk joined them. Moses, a little wiser then Kirk, stayed behind. He lined up the chiefs of the 12 tribes of Israel, and told them to go and explore the land of Canaan which lies just beyond.

"Go south, and up the mountain. Scout out what type of people live there, what sorts of cities they live in, whether the land is good, and bring back the fruits of the land," said Moses to the chiefs.

And so they went. Deep into the wilderness, and they found a huge cluster of grapes, so big it took two men to carry it.

After 40 days, they returned to Moses, with an interesting report.

One of the chiefs said, "Yea, the land definitely flows with milk and honey, but the people are strong there."

Another chief, a man named Caleb, quieted down the excitement at the news, and like any good opportunist, said, "Let's go there right now and take the land. It'll be easy for us kick their butts!"

But Caleb was quickly rebutted. "We can't fight the people there. They're friggin' humongous! We are like grasshoppers compared to them."

At this news, the Israelites suddenly start crying. Maybe they were scared? They start getting angry at Moses again. What a bunch of whiners these people are!

"Why did we follow Moses out of Egypt? Now we're going to die by a bunch of humongous giants!" they'd yell. "Maybe we should find a new leader to return to Egypt."

Didn't these motherf**kers learn? Yahweh lit a bunch of these whining maggots on fire, and then besot them with plagues just for whining. That should've been the first commandment. "No f**king whining!"

Sure enough, Yahweh gets wind of these complaints and once more must show these guys who's boss. Right before the Israelites decide to stone Joshua (one of Moses' supporters), Yahweh shows up at the Tabernacle, all smoke and fire. Yahweh threatens to kill every single Israelite and make an even greater nation from their ashes.

Moses, who is apparently much more reasonable then Yahweh, who is supposedly the all-knowing Creator of the Universe, according to most religionists. He actually persuades Yahweh.

"Don't kill them," said Moses. "If you do that, then the Egyptians will hear about it and laugh because You weren't able to lead them successfully."

And so they strike a deal. Yahweh compromises and agrees not to kill everyone. The key word, of course, is 'everyone'. Instead, He's just going to kill everyone over the age of 20. "The carcasses of the rest will fall in the wilderness," He said.

In addition, Yahweh makes it so that the Israelites will be forced to wander the wilderness for 40 years! Imagine that, a trip that would probably only take a few weeks - and they have to do it for 40 years!

Yahweh even killed the men who went scouting the land, apparently because it was their report that started this rebellion. Numbers 14:36 says they 'slandered' the land, and that leads me to think that maybe there were no giants.

Next time, the Israelites stone a man who was collecting sticks on the Sabbath!

Numbers, Chapter 12 proves that Moses did not author the Pentateuch (first five books of the Old Testament), as many Christian fundamentalists would suggest. It also shows Yahweh's obvious sexism and favoritism.

First, those who say that Moses authored the Pentateuch are dismayed when they read this verse: "Now the man Moses was very meek; above all the men which were on the face of the Earth."

Moses, had he authored the Pentateuch, would be at pains to explain how any meek man could write such arrogant words about himself. It's bad enough that he was referring to himself in the third person. Unlike Christian fundies, I don't think Moses authored these books. Actually, I question whether Moses even existed. The things Moses does reads more like Hercules or some superhero. And, recent Biblical scholarship is lending support to what is called the 'documentary hypothesis', which is a school of thought that thinks there were at least four authors of the Pentateuch.

The documentary hypothesis is probably the best explanation why the Pentateuch is so full of contradictions. The Book of Genesis, as I've mentioned when I first started this journal (obviously), is the most problematic. That's because the authors were at pains to explain things that happened before they decided to start writing stuff down. So, they used elements of stories that they knew from their old cultures, the Sumerians and Canaanites. That's why the Sumerian stories of the Enuma elish and the Epic of Gilgamesh resemble the creation story, and the flood, respectively.

As for Yahweh's sexism, in Chapter 12, Moses marries an Ethiopian woman. Aaron (Moses' homeboy) and Miriam (Moses's older sister), complain and then criticize Moses for his choice in women (it had something to do with marrying outsiders). Yahweh became angry that they would criticize Moses (who was God's homeboy), and punished them, by giving leprosy to Miriam.

That sucks! Two people complain about God's BFF and ONE person (the chick) gets punished - with LEPROSY no less!

Next time, we're going to meet the favorite characters of Christian conspiracy theorists; a race of giants called the Nephilim.

Chapter 9 is interesting, because it describes the presence of Yahweh in relation to the Tabernacle. When the Tabernacle was set up, Yahweh appeared as a cloud covering the Tabernacle during the day, and as appeared as fire at night. And when the cloud left, the people journeyed, with the to the spot where the cloud lay.

I also think the language of the Bible is too strong. It reads that individuals are "cut off" from the people, and it implies a kind of permanence. But I'm getting the sense that those who were cut off were usually just temporarily so, because of some perceived uncleanliness of the individual. And I'm not turning into an apologist here, far from it. If we can parallel our own society with their's, we can see that their perceptions of 'uncleanliness', and any subsequent punishments, are based purely on superstition.

Chapter 10 is all about how large the Israelite population is. It gives instructions on using two silver trumpets, to get everyone moving. And Chapter 10 also talks about how great the Israelite army is. So, Chapter 10 is all 'huff and puff', so to speak.

After moving and setting up camp, moving and setting up camp, over and over, SOME people started complaining. The all-knowing Creator of the Universe (or so say modern day religious people) got angry at the complaining and just ripped into the tail end of the procession, sending fire down and basically just mangling and burning all sorts of people. SOME of whom, I presume, were not complaining. But still, what's the big deal about complaining?

Moses says a prayer and Yahweh stops the tirade.

Next, the people start bitching about the manna that has been provided to them. "We remember all the good stuff we ate as slaves in Egypt, now all we have is this manna crap," they would say.

Moses too, is upset. But not at Yahweh. He's upset at these damned soft Israelites. So upset, he even says something kind of funny. "Why do I have to be in charge of these people? Why can't you, God, take them into your bosom, as a nursing father bears the sucking child?"

Nursing father?

And then, the craziest thing has yet to happen. The people want meat. So Moses and God talk it over, and decide on a rather devious plan. "Oh, they want meat, huh? I'll show them! I'll give them so much meat that it'll come out their noses," sayeth the Almighty.

Yahweh then brings a wind that sends countless multitudes of quail dropping like flies onto the camp of the Israelites. And they, who are now happy that their prayers (and complaints) have been answered, start collecting the quail and cooking and eating them.

But they were tricked! While they were chewing on the tasty quail, Yahweh sent a "great plague" upon the people, and smote many of them. (Numbers 11:33).

What's the moral of the story here? Don't complain. Don't ask Yahweh for anything. If you do, He might send TOO MUCH, and He may very well kill you!

What the f*ck!?!

Above: Just before sacrificing a lamb at the Grand Opening of the new Third Tabernacle Church!

We should do Grand Openings this way

Chapter 7, if I'm not mistaken, is about the Grand Opening of the Tabernacle. Rather than the usual tame ribbon-cutting affair practiced by modern folks, representatives of the 12 tribes got together and sacrifces bulls, rams, lambs, baby goats, and oxen. Approximately 240 animal sacrifices were done on that day.

Y'know, we should bring that back! Imagine a steakhouse's grand opening with 240 animal sacrifices! Or, better yet, a bank! Or a preschool! Or even just a church. A church is probably the closest thing to a Tabernacle, anyways. And so what if PETA gets angry. Eff' PETA!

Being a Nazarite

Let's imagine that you are a Nazarite, or Nazirite. A Nazarite is a person who set himself aside in devotion to Yahweh, in order to live an ascetic life - a mystic, if you will. That's what Chapter 6: 1-21 is about.

It's similar to a Buddhist monk, too. Sorta. Except I imagine these guys are a lot hairier than your average Buddhist monk.

Anyways, no drinking liquor or wine, or grapejuice. He can't even eat grapes. Presumably, the Israelites must have thought grapes had some sort of alcohol content in it, because grapes are the main ingredient in wine. There could be other reasons, but because grapes are grouped in with alcohol, I'm just going to guess that's their reasoning.

Here's where it gets silly. Nazarites have to let their hair grow out, BUT if he comes into contact with a dead person - if someone dies right next to him, for example - the Nazarite will be unclean for seven days, and on the seventh day he must shave his head. On the eighth day, the Nazarite must bring two turtles and two pigeons to the priest

When the Nazarite fulfills his vow (usually after a 30 day period), the Nazarite must bring:

An unblemished lamb as a burnt offering

• A ewe lamb as a sin offering
• One ram as a peace offering
• A basket of unleavened bread
• Cakes of fine flour mingled with oil
• unleavened bread wafers
• meat offering
• drink offering

Being a priest must have been very lucrative. And so, after a lot of hocus pocus, waving various offerings in the air, shaving the Nazarite's hair, etc. Finally, finally, the Nazarite may drink wine (Numbers 6:20).

I'm all for being a mystic, as long as the attempt is both rational and reasonable. Which means, the experience can be had by anyone, but we don't need to have all the extra, irrational baggage that religion adds to the mix.

Above: an artist's depiction of Moses.

In the Book of Numbers, we start getting into the logistics of the Israelites' stay in the Sinai Desert.

Most scholars suspect their numbers to have been fudged, but the book is about how more than a million people (their census counted only males, which numbered 600,000) managed to live and wander about in the desert. But think about this, in the beginning of Exodus, the Israelites numbered 70, and in the course of 400 years, their population increased to well over a million people (based on a census of 600,000 males).

There are other censuses taken, like of all male children, or of all males 30 to 50 years old. These were done for different administrative purposes.

The tribe of the Levites, however, were not included in this census. They were the designated holy tribe who would supervise the building up and tearing down of the Tabernacle, and also see to its security, maintenance, and of course the teachings of Yahweh.

Remember Aaron's sons, the ones who God killed because they offered an unauthorized incense to Him? Well, Numbers Chapter 3 mentions them again, but it's basically a shortened version of the same story.

An interesting development in Chapter 4, God determines that Gershonite and Merari males, ages 30 to 50 years old shall do all the hard labor. The Gershonites and Merari are families within the Levite tribe, who had just been designated to oversee the Tabernacle.

Imagine being determined to do all the backbreaking hard labor of building up and tearing down the Tabernacle every day? They had to worry about special curtains, pillars, setting up the building and sacrificial altar correctly, covering certain holy items, building and rebuilding the fence around the Tabernacle, setting up offering plates, cleaning up any mess from sacrifices, etc.
Next time, God starts yet another crusade against - you guessed it - lepers!

Exodus ends with the building of the Tabernacle, a special, portable temple-ish structure that holds the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark is where Moses will store the stone tablets.

The final chapters of Exodus are a very long and detailed account on how the temple, the ark, the altar, and all the regalia that comes with them (i.e. curtains, statues, etc.), were made. The Israelites building it were following instructions laid out when Moses was speaking with God up on Mt. Sinai.

"And they set in it four rows of stones: the first row was a sardius, a topaz, and a carbuncle: this was the first row." That's how detailed they are, for the last five chapters.

Other than the building of the Tabernacle and Ark, I should point out some inconsistencies, as that is my role as a nonbeliever to do so.

Verse 37:1 says that a man named Bezeel builds the Ark of the Covenant, but later in Deuteronomy Moses says that he's the one that built it. Not a big deal, BUT it's just one more thing to add to the long list of inerrancies within the Bible.

Verse 38:26 seem to indicate that the Israelites numbered at a few million people. Such a number is ridiculous. Even the City of Rome, a few hundred years later, would only have 1 million people living in it at its height. And that's a city with irrigation and aquaducts, etc. The people who wrote Exodus are claiming that several million people that were living in the desert! I'm not sure if we should take that claim seriously.

Don't get me wrong, though. The Tabernacle is very significant to the Israelites. And thought we don't realize it yet; the Ark is F***ing awesome!

In later books of the Old Testament, we'll see how the Ark is like the Israelite's secret weapon. It shoots this light out, called the Shekinah, which obliterates armies like they're nothing.

As for the Tabernacle, when Yahweh is in it in the daytime, He appears as a cloud. And when He's in it at night, He appears as a pillar of fire. When Yahweh is present, the Israelites can resume their traveling. When He isn't there, the Israelites stay where they are and wait for Him to come back.

So, let's put this in perspective. Exodus tells us that there was a group of several million Israelites wandering around the desert, carrying around the Ark of Covenant, which looked like an anvil, with two cherubim statues, on a stretcher. The Ark probably felt like an anvil, too, to the people carrying it. The cherubim are not cute little baby angels, either. They're a mythical creature with four legs and wings. At least, that's what the Sumerians believed. And the Israelites are basically the Sumerians with a slightly different religion.

Meanwhile, a huge dark cloud would follow them through the desert. When the group would stop, they'd build up this portable temple, the dark cloud would settle on it, and as night came a huge pillar of fire would rise up from the Tabernacle area, in full view of everyone, probably for miles around.

These were people you didn't want to mess with. And this is one heck of a tall tale!

So ... what's that about the 10 Commandments?

In a nutshell, this is what I discuss:

• God gives Moses two stone tablets
• Moses breaks the tablets when he sees the Israelites worshipping a Golden Calf.
• There is no mention what these first tablets say
• Moses gets a second copy of the first tablets
• The commandments on the tablets are NOT what we claim is "The 10 Commandments"
• Scroll to the bottom if you'd want to see what they say

I ofcourse encourage you to read the entire story.

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Exodus Chapter 24 opens up with a little bit of some good old-fashioned animal sacrifice! Moses burns some oxen, sprinkles the blood on his fellow Israelites, and MAN does God love it! Well, despite its context, I'd imagine it smelled like a decent little barbecue.

A bit later, Moses, Aaron, and two other guys go up the mountain and they see God, and I guess they thought He was pretty awesome because they noticed that Almighty Creator was wearing some sapphire rocks under His feet! Interesting shoes, no doubt, but still odd that these rough men would be so keen on divine footwear! To be honest, I would probably look at God's feet, too. I'd imagine they would look strange.

Well, Mr. YHWH tells Moses and his friends that He's going to write something on stone, and that Moses must show it to the Israelites. God creates a cloud on top of Mt. Sinai, and Moses joins Him in the cloud. Moses and God hang out in the cloud for 40 days and 40 nights.

During this time, the Israelites get restless. They apparently NEED to worship SOMETHING! I must admit I have no idea what that must feel like. Or at least, I don't remember having that need. So, someone (Aaron of all people!) has the bright idea of making a golden calf.

In a nutshell, the Israelites pool all their gold jewelry and melt it down, and then they create an idol of a golden calf. Then they go off the deep end and start dancing, drinking, and having a rather crazy orgy-ish time.

Chapters 25 to 31 is just a list of instructions on how to create the Ark of the Covenant, of which Moses will later put the stone tablets that He will give; and it also talks about how to make a myriad of other things: candles, curtains made of goat hair, holy garments, a special breastplate for Aaron, special pants for the priests (if they don't wear them, they'll die!).

What? A breastplate for Aaron? Yea, it's a special one, too. Apparently, Aaron's breastplate will bear the names of the children of Israel, and also attached to the breastplaste is this weird coin thing-a-ma-jig called the Urim and the Thummim. The Urim and the Thummim is basically a coin that one flips to make decisions. "Should I kill this guy? Let me consult the Urim and Thummim. Oh, sorry. Urim, you lose."

Anyways, a lot of this stuff is obscure, but I invite you to read it. It doesn't really come across as a spiritual message, though, so I just sort of browsed through them. Anyways, as we all should know, God gives Moses the two stone tablets and tells Moses, "You better go back down, 'cause your peeps are going crazy!"

Notice that at this point, there is no mention about what is on the stone tablets!!!

When Moses sees the orgy going on, he throws the stone tablets down, thus destroying the only thing that the Israelite God had ever written down in His own hand, up to that point.

There's a huge argument, and Moses and his followers kill at least 3,000 people who still wanted to worship the Golden Calf.

Finally, after all the hubbub, Moses goes BACK up Mt. Sinai and God hooks Moses up with a second copy of the stone tablets. During their conversation up on Mt. Sinai, God is a little shy to show His face, and instead shows him "His Backside". This is known in some circles as "The Divine Mooning".

God says the stone tablets have the exact same wording as the first tablets (Exodus 34:1), and these second tablets say:

1. Thou shalt worship no other god (For the Lord is a jealous god).
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn.
4. All the first-born are mine.
5. Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest.
6. Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, even of the first fruits of the wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.
7. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread.
8. The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning.
9. The first of the first fruits of thy ground thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.
10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother's milk.

THAT'S what's on the stone tablets, and that is what God Himself called the 10 Commandments!

Aside from little incident in Exodus 18:11 where someone goof up and acknowledges that there are other gods, Chapter 18 isn't worth much discussion. What I want to talk about is Exodus, Chapter 19, where we first get into the story of the 10 Commandments.

Chapter 19 and 20 actually talk about the 10 that we are familiar with. However, Moses doesn't have these written down. These are just told to Moses, and are NOT referred to as Commandments. The word "Commandments" doesn't come until Chapter 34. Chapter 34's Commandments are vastly different then Chapter 20's words from Yahweh to Moses. I'll get to that in a future blog.

While most people probably don't know the 10 Commandments, this is basically them:

1. Don't worship other gods.
2. Don't make graven images of anything that is on Earth or in heaven.
3. Don't use God's name in vain.
4. Don't work on the Sabbath.
5. Honor your mother and father.
6. Don't murder.
7. Don'g commit adultery.
8. Don't steal (either kidnapping or property)
9. Don't covet your neighbor's wife.
10. Don't covet your neighbor's property.

And the penalty for breaking any of these, as you probably know, is death.

The story that leads up to this is kind of funny, too. I mean, if someone came up with this stuff today, we'd probably make a wide berth around the person telling it.

God wanted to put on a show on Mt. Sinai for the Israelites, who He favors more than any other people on Earth. Even the Aztecs? Yes. Even the bloody Aztecs.

He tells Moses to relay to the people that the men should have sex with their wives (God literally says "come at them" - YIKES!), they should wash themselves, and that whoever touches the mountain will perish. He also warns that anyone who tries to rush and see Him will also die. And that the big show happens in 3 days.

Sure enough, on the third day a dense cloud descends on Mt. Sinai and a loud trumpet is heard. This is the signal for Moses (just Moses) to go up the mountain and see the Almighty.

Moses goes up, and then God tells him to go back down and make sure the people don't rush forth, or they will die. "Oh, and the priests should sanctify themselves before I attack them, too," said the Almighty Creator Himself. So Moses goes down, and Chapter 19 ends.

Chapter 20 opens with the voice of God. God tells the Israelites in this great booming voice coming from the mountaintop 10 instructions. It's the more detailed version of the list I provided above. He really details the instruction to follow the Sabbath!

The voice from Mt. Sinai was so deafening and powerful that afterward the Israelites asked Moses that he be the one to speak for God, because "Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die."

Apparently, this will be the last time that God will speak directly to everyone. He just wanted to do it once to prove it to the Israelites, so they don't go messing around.

Next time, I will discuss the interesting and fun laws that God and the Israelites set up in Exodus 21-23, like selling thieves to repay their debt to society.

Exodus Chapter 17 is very quick and easy. Basically, the Israelites are still in the desert and they're pissed that there's no water. In fear of them, Moses asks God what's going on with the water supply and God tells Mo to tap a rock. Moses does so, and behold, water comes out of it!

The authors of the Bible don't really care about transitional material. After the watering episode, the Amelekites attack the Israelites. In the battle, as long as Moses holds both of his hands up into the air, the Israelites are winning; but if he lowers his hands, the Amelekites are winning. The battle goes on for so long that Moses is propped against a rock and his two homeboys held the hands up for him.

Chapter 17 lays out the case about how superstitious people were back then, and by extension how superstitious people are today. Superstition means a belief that isn't based on reason. If Moses actions were repeated today (lifting your hands affects the outcome of the battle), the general doing so would be thought of as eccentric at best. If Generals Patton or Petraeus held their hands up during a heated battle, most folks today would think they were crazy. In fact, they'd probably get fired.

But still, there are people today who let stories like this slide, believing that these events happened back then but can not be replicated today. That's an irrational belief itself, and I'd venture to say that it is superstitious as well.

Next time, the 10 Commandments. Are the ones we are familiar with the 'correct' ones, or are they even moral?

After the Israelites cross the Red Sea, they sing a song. It's kind of a taunting song. But it's actually kind of cool:

"I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.

The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.

The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

Pharaoh's chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea: his chosen captains also are drowned in the Red sea. "

And it goes on and on. Okay, it doesn't rhyme, but it probably does in the original language. But we definitely get the hint. These are warlike people, and their God is a "man of war."

An interesting verse in the song is "they sank like lead in water." LOL

Yea, they sure did.

One telling verse in the song is this: "Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods?"

These guys believe there's other gods! They just think that their God is the best.

In a way, the song reads like a musical, because all of a sudden this chick Miriam, Aaron's prophetess sister, starts dancing ... shaking her thang (or whatever it's called these days!).

So after all the singing and dancing, everyone's a little bit thirsty, but the water isn't the best tasting water in the world, and God has Moses throw a tree into the water to make it taste sweeter.

Actually, the longer they're out in the wilderness, the worse it gets for them. They soon start starving and complaining about Moses and Aaron. God hears this and this is when God rains manna down from heaven. What is manna? Well, in the Bible it's supposed to be bread from heaven, but some people think that it's the crap of a certain kind of insect.

Anyways, after eating manna for a few days the ungrateful Israelites start complaining again! Man, what a bunch of whining maggots!

Another odd thing about manna, was that it measured itself! When the Israelites went out to collect the manna, some took a lot and some took a little. But when threw it in the pile, it seemed to all equal out. I guess if half take more, and the other half take less, then it would equal out. Right?

Also, if someone tried to take more than the required amount and save it for the next day, the excess manna became rotten, producing worms and stinking. Except for the extra manna produced for the Sabbath (they couldn't collect anything on the Sabbath).

I thought it was a very interesting tale of magic and grumbling. I'm a little pissed off at the Israelites for whining so easily, but I guess in that situation - wandering around the desert with no food - it takes a certain kind of person to be grateful for what they've got.

But still, they had to eat manna for 40 years, until they reached the land of Canaan. 40 years! 40 years to get to a place that would've only taken months to get to!

There's no actual archaeological evidence of so many people wandering around the Sinai Desert. But if there was anyone out there, you know what they were probably doing? The Bible says they were wandering. I think they were doing what cults do. They were separating themselves from other people. Their beliefs were consolidating.

When they finally emerged from the wilderness 40 years later, they had a new religion. There were still practitioners of the older religions in their ranks, but with the reformers (especially Josiah and Hezekiah) that were to come, all that would be taken care of.