Biologist Richard Dawkins gets chided a lot for his description of the God of the Bible. But when we read the Bible, we have to admit that his description is accurate. I think the conflict happens because people's spiritual experience do not square up with the Bible's description. In fact, that's probably why most people DON'T read the Bible!

Dawkins famously said that Yahweh is "a petty, unjust, unforgiving control freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully." We've only gone into Leviticus, the third book of the Old Testament, and we can't deny any of it.

Well, after all the rules on sacrificing animals, God has a few more rules that He suggests following. That's right! The all-powerful, all-knowing creator of the universe does not want you to follow these rules:

You can:

• Eat cloven-footed animals that eat their cud (i.e. cattle). Okay, I do this!
• Eat animals that have scales or fins (aka fish). I love fish, and I especially love ceviche!

You must:

• Circumcise your male children. I don't have a problem with this, but that's probably because I'm circumcised and I find chicks dig it.
• Sacrifice a lamb AND a small bird on your child's first birthday. Hey, my mom and dad never did that!
• Arrange to have a priest sacrifice a lamb and a small bird after giving birth.
• Quarantine diseased individuals, and have a priest inspect him. Generally good advice! But thankfully we have doctors nowadays.

You can't:

• eat divided-footed animals that chew their cud (i.e. camels).
• eat rabbits or hares because their feet are divided. What's wrong with eating rabbits?
• eat pork. As long as you cook pork, it's clean.
• touch the corpses of the above animals. So did they just left the corpses lying around, or did they have infidels dispose of them?
• eat rodents or tortoises (not sure why they're grouped like that).
• eat lizards or snakes. I heard lizards and snakes are good eatin'.
• get leprosy or you'll be considered 'unclean! That sucks. First you get leprosy; and then you become ostracized by the community.

He also wants you to know the following unscientific "facts":

• sea creatures without fins or scales are ABOMINATIONS. No, they're not. They're perfectly natural.
• rabbits chew their cud. They actually chew their food, crap it out, and THEN eat their crap!
• bats are birds. Bats are actually mammals!
• some insects have four legs. There are no insects with only four legs.
• some birds have four legs. There are no birds with four legs.
• women are dirty and sinful after childbirth. Physically dirty (more like bloody) maybe; but sinful (aka 'spiritually dirty')?
• Women are dirty when they're on their period. Really?
• Women who give birth to a male child are unclean for one week; two weeks if it's a female! That's just messed up.

God's also got an interesting cure, or maybe just a ritual, for lepers. Check it out:

1. Get two birds; kill one.
2. Dip the live one in the blood and sprinkle or smear the blood on the leper, using the live bird as a brush.
3. Then let the blood-soaked bird fly away.
4. Next, find a lamb and kill it.
5. Wipe some blood on the leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe.
6. Sprinkle oil on the leper and rub some of the oil on the leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe.
7. Repeat steps 1 through 6.
8. Find another pair of birds. Repeat steps 1 through 3.
9. Sprinkle the house with blood.

Next time, I'll discuss yet more crazy stuff from Leviticus, including what to do if you accidentally jizz on yourself!

From the previous chapters in Leviticus I learned that there was a particular way to perform a sacrifice (unblemished male, kill it, cut it up, burn it). Christians like to say that Jesus was the "ultimate sacrifice." But Jesus's sacrifice left out two important steps, the cutting up and burning, and wasn't ritualistic at all. Did we just catch Christianity on a technicality? To be honest, I think all the Judeo-Christian religions are full of technicalities and are embarassingly easy to disprove, IF you think logic is a reasonable criteria for belief.

IF you are against logic, and unreasonable, yea ... you'll probably maintain the belief. That is one of the great mysteries of human psychology: Why do we maintain false beliefs? Psychologists actually have an answer for that; confirmation bias. We find comfort and hope in these beliefs; we don't find comfort in not knowing. We also find meaning in everyday acts through hindsight bias.

In Chapter 8, Moses makes Aaron a priest and gives him the breastplate and all the special garments God told him about up on Mt. Sinai. He even hooks Aaron up with the Urim and the Thummim. The Urim and Thummim is just a coin they flip to make tough decisions.

Then, to purify Aaron, they sacrifice a ram. They 1) pick an unblemished male; 2) kill it and sprinkle and smear the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and BIG TOES; 3) cut it up, and 4) burn it so God can smell it.

Chapter 9 is just more animal sacrifices. Well, that's an understatement. Moses calls for two calves, two rams, a baby goat, a lamb, and "a bullock" to be sacrificed. So what follows is what appears in my mind to be a massive animal blood orgy; a vegan's worst nightmare. They kill the animals, sprinkle their blood around, cut them up and wave the parts in the air, and then burn it. The worst thing about this is that no one eats these; they are a waste of food.

Chapter 9 ends with God consuming the animal parts with fire in such a way that the Israelites fall to the ground in awe.

Chapter 10 is tragic. Aaron's sons light an incense and offer it to God. But God doesn't authorize that kind of fire, and basically burns the two sons to death. Aaron puts on a poker face, but if I was in that situation I'd still be sad. Moses tells Aaron that he shouldn't mourn, or else God will kill him and the whole community, too. Yikes!

Leviticus is another book of laws. A lot of Christians like to use the anti-homosexuality stuff, but completely ignore the crap about killing kids who talk back to their parents. The truth is no one is a fundamentalist; everyone cherry picks the Bible according to their own prejudices.

Chapter 1 starts off with a very detailed account on the best way to sacrifice to Yahweh. To sacrifice, it is necessary to follow these important rules. It can be summed up as follows:

1. Pick an unblemished male from your livestock. No females, that's just gross.
2. Kill the animal, let the blood sprinkle around the altar. You know - let it marinate!
3. Cut the animal into little pieces.
4. Light it on fire, because God loves the smell of burning meat. Wait ... don't we all? Barbecues, anyone?

If you're sacrificing a sheep, be sure to kill it on the north side of the altar.

And there is an explanation on how to sacrifice birds:

1. Pick out a turtledove or a young pigeon. Don't show off and sacrifice an ostrich, guys.
2. On the altar, rip off its head, and let the blood drip to the side of the altar.
3. Pluck its feathers, and cast those darn feathers to the east of the altar! Cut up its wings.
4. Finally, burn it.

Hey, Yahweh's a cool guy! He loves a good barbecue. It's a sloppy, bloody barbecue where no one eats; but you gotta hand it to Him for style. His rules on animal sacrifice make for an interesting form of entertainment. And He just wants to smell it! F*!& oxygen bars; that's for wimps! Yahweh's gotta love my house on the weekends, then. Too bad no one says grace there, though.

The rules on animal sacrifice go on until Chapter 7, and prescribe animal sacrifices for very specific 'sins', like 'sinning through ignorance', or 'lying about possessing someone else's property'. The prescription for the latter is to first return the property, plus a fifth more than its value. Then, the lying thief has to bring one of his flock and have a priest atone for his lying. Any leftover meat from the sacrifice goes to the priest (in this case the priest is Aaron) and his sons.

It's a very lucrative occupation to be a priest in Bronze Age Israelite culture.

Grassroots Skeptics is launching their website, http://grassrootsskeptics.org/, on Friday, September 4.

They're actually going to have an "online party," too. I guess it'll be BYOB.

You can find them on Facebook and Twitter, too.

Exodus ends with the building of the Tabernacle, a special, portable temple-ish structure that holds the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark is where Moses will store the stone tablets.

The final chapters of Exodus are a very long and detailed account on how the temple, the ark, the altar, and all the regalia that comes with them (i.e. curtains, statues, etc.), were made. The Israelites building it were following instructions laid out when Moses was speaking with God up on Mt. Sinai.

"And they set in it four rows of stones: the first row was a sardius, a topaz, and a carbuncle: this was the first row." That's how detailed they are, for the last five chapters.

Other than the building of the Tabernacle and Ark, I should point out some inconsistencies, as that is my role as a nonbeliever to do so.

Verse 37:1 says that a man named Bezeel builds the Ark of the Covenant, but later in Deuteronomy Moses says that he's the one that built it. Not a big deal, BUT it's just one more thing to add to the long list of inerrancies within the Bible.

Verse 38:26 seem to indicate that the Israelites numbered at a few million people. Such a number is ridiculous. Even the City of Rome, a few hundred years later, would only have 1 million people living in it at its height. And that's a city with irrigation and aquaducts, etc. The people who wrote Exodus are claiming that several million people that were living in the desert! I'm not sure if we should take that claim seriously.

Don't get me wrong, though. The Tabernacle is very significant to the Israelites. And thought we don't realize it yet; the Ark is F***ing awesome!

In later books of the Old Testament, we'll see how the Ark is like the Israelite's secret weapon. It shoots this light out, called the Shekinah, which obliterates armies like they're nothing.

As for the Tabernacle, when Yahweh is in it in the daytime, He appears as a cloud. And when He's in it at night, He appears as a pillar of fire. When Yahweh is present, the Israelites can resume their traveling. When He isn't there, the Israelites stay where they are and wait for Him to come back.

So, let's put this in perspective. Exodus tells us that there was a group of several million Israelites wandering around the desert, carrying around the Ark of Covenant, which looked like an anvil, with two cherubim statues, on a stretcher. The Ark probably felt like an anvil, too, to the people carrying it. The cherubim are not cute little baby angels, either. They're a mythical creature with four legs and wings. At least, that's what the Sumerians believed. And the Israelites are basically the Sumerians with a slightly different religion.

Meanwhile, a huge dark cloud would follow them through the desert. When the group would stop, they'd build up this portable temple, the dark cloud would settle on it, and as night came a huge pillar of fire would rise up from the Tabernacle area, in full view of everyone, probably for miles around.

These were people you didn't want to mess with. And this is one heck of a tall tale!

So ... what's that about the 10 Commandments?

In a nutshell, this is what I discuss:

• God gives Moses two stone tablets
• Moses breaks the tablets when he sees the Israelites worshipping a Golden Calf.
• There is no mention what these first tablets say
• Moses gets a second copy of the first tablets
• The commandments on the tablets are NOT what we claim is "The 10 Commandments"
• Scroll to the bottom if you'd want to see what they say

I ofcourse encourage you to read the entire story.

----------------------------------------------------

Exodus Chapter 24 opens up with a little bit of some good old-fashioned animal sacrifice! Moses burns some oxen, sprinkles the blood on his fellow Israelites, and MAN does God love it! Well, despite its context, I'd imagine it smelled like a decent little barbecue.

A bit later, Moses, Aaron, and two other guys go up the mountain and they see God, and I guess they thought He was pretty awesome because they noticed that Almighty Creator was wearing some sapphire rocks under His feet! Interesting shoes, no doubt, but still odd that these rough men would be so keen on divine footwear! To be honest, I would probably look at God's feet, too. I'd imagine they would look strange.

Well, Mr. YHWH tells Moses and his friends that He's going to write something on stone, and that Moses must show it to the Israelites. God creates a cloud on top of Mt. Sinai, and Moses joins Him in the cloud. Moses and God hang out in the cloud for 40 days and 40 nights.

During this time, the Israelites get restless. They apparently NEED to worship SOMETHING! I must admit I have no idea what that must feel like. Or at least, I don't remember having that need. So, someone (Aaron of all people!) has the bright idea of making a golden calf.

In a nutshell, the Israelites pool all their gold jewelry and melt it down, and then they create an idol of a golden calf. Then they go off the deep end and start dancing, drinking, and having a rather crazy orgy-ish time.

Chapters 25 to 31 is just a list of instructions on how to create the Ark of the Covenant, of which Moses will later put the stone tablets that He will give; and it also talks about how to make a myriad of other things: candles, curtains made of goat hair, holy garments, a special breastplate for Aaron, special pants for the priests (if they don't wear them, they'll die!).

What? A breastplate for Aaron? Yea, it's a special one, too. Apparently, Aaron's breastplate will bear the names of the children of Israel, and also attached to the breastplaste is this weird coin thing-a-ma-jig called the Urim and the Thummim. The Urim and the Thummim is basically a coin that one flips to make decisions. "Should I kill this guy? Let me consult the Urim and Thummim. Oh, sorry. Urim, you lose."

Anyways, a lot of this stuff is obscure, but I invite you to read it. It doesn't really come across as a spiritual message, though, so I just sort of browsed through them. Anyways, as we all should know, God gives Moses the two stone tablets and tells Moses, "You better go back down, 'cause your peeps are going crazy!"

Notice that at this point, there is no mention about what is on the stone tablets!!!

When Moses sees the orgy going on, he throws the stone tablets down, thus destroying the only thing that the Israelite God had ever written down in His own hand, up to that point.

There's a huge argument, and Moses and his followers kill at least 3,000 people who still wanted to worship the Golden Calf.

Finally, after all the hubbub, Moses goes BACK up Mt. Sinai and God hooks Moses up with a second copy of the stone tablets. During their conversation up on Mt. Sinai, God is a little shy to show His face, and instead shows him "His Backside". This is known in some circles as "The Divine Mooning".

God says the stone tablets have the exact same wording as the first tablets (Exodus 34:1), and these second tablets say:

1. Thou shalt worship no other god (For the Lord is a jealous god).
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn.
4. All the first-born are mine.
5. Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest.
6. Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, even of the first fruits of the wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.
7. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread.
8. The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning.
9. The first of the first fruits of thy ground thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.
10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother's milk.

THAT'S what's on the stone tablets, and that is what God Himself called the 10 Commandments!

Exodus 21 through 23

I'm just going to lay out some of my favorite laws in these chapters.

Slavery

• If you buy a Hebrew slave, you must free him on his seventh year. Other slaves are screwed.


• If you gave your slave a wife while he was a slave and she has kids, the wife and children belong to the master. I don't have to say anything about this one.
• If you sell your daughter into slavery and she doesn't please her master, then the master can sell her in a "strange nation". Basically, if you need some extra cash, SELL YOUR DAUGHTER INTO SLAVERY!
• The master should be punished if he beats his slave so severely that he or she dies, or is out of commission for longer than a day. Otherwise, no biggy.
• If you beat your slave so severely he loses an eye or a tooth, then you have to free your slave.

Family Values

• If you're child hits you; kill him!
• If you're child cusses at you; KILL HIM!
• If you seduce a woman to have sex with you, you have to marry her. But if her father is against the marriage, you must pay her the market price for virgins.
• Be kind to strangers, widows, and orphans. If not, God will not only kill you, but make your wife a widow and your child an orphan (duh).
• Give your firstborn son to God ... child sacrifice???

Animals

• If an ox kills someone, STONE the ox! If the ox's owner lies about the ox being aggressive in the past, stone him too!
• If you dig a pit, and an ox falls and dies in it; the dead animal is your's!
• Don't boil a baby goat in its mother's milk

Other stuff

• You shouldn't worship other people's gods. In fact, you should overthrow them!
• Fellow Israelites don't get an interest rate when you loan to them, but foreigners - charging interest is okay

A few good things

• Don't do what others do if you think it's wrong
• If you witness an enemy's livestock wandering astray; you should bring it back to him.
• Be honest, and don't kill innocent people.
• Help out poor people

Aside from little incident in Exodus 18:11 where someone goof up and acknowledges that there are other gods, Chapter 18 isn't worth much discussion. What I want to talk about is Exodus, Chapter 19, where we first get into the story of the 10 Commandments.

Chapter 19 and 20 actually talk about the 10 that we are familiar with. However, Moses doesn't have these written down. These are just told to Moses, and are NOT referred to as Commandments. The word "Commandments" doesn't come until Chapter 34. Chapter 34's Commandments are vastly different then Chapter 20's words from Yahweh to Moses. I'll get to that in a future blog.

While most people probably don't know the 10 Commandments, this is basically them:

1. Don't worship other gods.
2. Don't make graven images of anything that is on Earth or in heaven.
3. Don't use God's name in vain.
4. Don't work on the Sabbath.
5. Honor your mother and father.
6. Don't murder.
7. Don'g commit adultery.
8. Don't steal (either kidnapping or property)
9. Don't covet your neighbor's wife.
10. Don't covet your neighbor's property.

And the penalty for breaking any of these, as you probably know, is death.

The story that leads up to this is kind of funny, too. I mean, if someone came up with this stuff today, we'd probably make a wide berth around the person telling it.

God wanted to put on a show on Mt. Sinai for the Israelites, who He favors more than any other people on Earth. Even the Aztecs? Yes. Even the bloody Aztecs.

He tells Moses to relay to the people that the men should have sex with their wives (God literally says "come at them" - YIKES!), they should wash themselves, and that whoever touches the mountain will perish. He also warns that anyone who tries to rush and see Him will also die. And that the big show happens in 3 days.

Sure enough, on the third day a dense cloud descends on Mt. Sinai and a loud trumpet is heard. This is the signal for Moses (just Moses) to go up the mountain and see the Almighty.

Moses goes up, and then God tells him to go back down and make sure the people don't rush forth, or they will die. "Oh, and the priests should sanctify themselves before I attack them, too," said the Almighty Creator Himself. So Moses goes down, and Chapter 19 ends.

Chapter 20 opens with the voice of God. God tells the Israelites in this great booming voice coming from the mountaintop 10 instructions. It's the more detailed version of the list I provided above. He really details the instruction to follow the Sabbath!

The voice from Mt. Sinai was so deafening and powerful that afterward the Israelites asked Moses that he be the one to speak for God, because "Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die."

Apparently, this will be the last time that God will speak directly to everyone. He just wanted to do it once to prove it to the Israelites, so they don't go messing around.

Next time, I will discuss the interesting and fun laws that God and the Israelites set up in Exodus 21-23, like selling thieves to repay their debt to society.

Exodus Chapter 17 is very quick and easy. Basically, the Israelites are still in the desert and they're pissed that there's no water. In fear of them, Moses asks God what's going on with the water supply and God tells Mo to tap a rock. Moses does so, and behold, water comes out of it!

The authors of the Bible don't really care about transitional material. After the watering episode, the Amelekites attack the Israelites. In the battle, as long as Moses holds both of his hands up into the air, the Israelites are winning; but if he lowers his hands, the Amelekites are winning. The battle goes on for so long that Moses is propped against a rock and his two homeboys held the hands up for him.

Chapter 17 lays out the case about how superstitious people were back then, and by extension how superstitious people are today. Superstition means a belief that isn't based on reason. If Moses actions were repeated today (lifting your hands affects the outcome of the battle), the general doing so would be thought of as eccentric at best. If Generals Patton or Petraeus held their hands up during a heated battle, most folks today would think they were crazy. In fact, they'd probably get fired.

But still, there are people today who let stories like this slide, believing that these events happened back then but can not be replicated today. That's an irrational belief itself, and I'd venture to say that it is superstitious as well.

Next time, the 10 Commandments. Are the ones we are familiar with the 'correct' ones, or are they even moral?

After the Israelites cross the Red Sea, they sing a song. It's kind of a taunting song. But it's actually kind of cool:

"I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea.

The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.

The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

Pharaoh's chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea: his chosen captains also are drowned in the Red sea. "

And it goes on and on. Okay, it doesn't rhyme, but it probably does in the original language. But we definitely get the hint. These are warlike people, and their God is a "man of war."

An interesting verse in the song is "they sank like lead in water." LOL

Yea, they sure did.

One telling verse in the song is this: "Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods?"

These guys believe there's other gods! They just think that their God is the best.

In a way, the song reads like a musical, because all of a sudden this chick Miriam, Aaron's prophetess sister, starts dancing ... shaking her thang (or whatever it's called these days!).

So after all the singing and dancing, everyone's a little bit thirsty, but the water isn't the best tasting water in the world, and God has Moses throw a tree into the water to make it taste sweeter.

Actually, the longer they're out in the wilderness, the worse it gets for them. They soon start starving and complaining about Moses and Aaron. God hears this and this is when God rains manna down from heaven. What is manna? Well, in the Bible it's supposed to be bread from heaven, but some people think that it's the crap of a certain kind of insect.

Anyways, after eating manna for a few days the ungrateful Israelites start complaining again! Man, what a bunch of whining maggots!

Another odd thing about manna, was that it measured itself! When the Israelites went out to collect the manna, some took a lot and some took a little. But when threw it in the pile, it seemed to all equal out. I guess if half take more, and the other half take less, then it would equal out. Right?

Also, if someone tried to take more than the required amount and save it for the next day, the excess manna became rotten, producing worms and stinking. Except for the extra manna produced for the Sabbath (they couldn't collect anything on the Sabbath).

I thought it was a very interesting tale of magic and grumbling. I'm a little pissed off at the Israelites for whining so easily, but I guess in that situation - wandering around the desert with no food - it takes a certain kind of person to be grateful for what they've got.

But still, they had to eat manna for 40 years, until they reached the land of Canaan. 40 years! 40 years to get to a place that would've only taken months to get to!

There's no actual archaeological evidence of so many people wandering around the Sinai Desert. But if there was anyone out there, you know what they were probably doing? The Bible says they were wandering. I think they were doing what cults do. They were separating themselves from other people. Their beliefs were consolidating.

When they finally emerged from the wilderness 40 years later, they had a new religion. There were still practitioners of the older religions in their ranks, but with the reformers (especially Josiah and Hezekiah) that were to come, all that would be taken care of.

The Exodus

All the plagues and wholesale slaughter was largely unnecessary. If God hardened the Pharoah's heart, couldn't the Almighty just as easily softened the Pharoah's heart? Oh yea. He definitely could have, but it wouldn't be nearly as good a story.

Well, after God did the equivalent of Nagasaki (He was just showing off) and the Pharoah witnessed the death of his firstborn son, the Pharoah decided to let the Israelites go.

"This Yahweh guy means business," he is reported to have said.

An interesting comment that God told Moses and Aaron, that I'm going to fictionalize: "Commemorate this day (the day that God killed Egypt's firstborn) with a special passover dinner ..."

Then God starts to walk away and stops, seemingly in thought, and turns around. "Oh yea, if there's any dudes that still have that extra penis skin, they can't partake of that meal. That's just disgusting."

And so God walked away into the sunset.

I'm not sure how to interpret the beginning of Exodus 13. God asks that before they cross the Red Sea, the Israelites have to 'sanctify' their own firstborn males - man and animal. Does this mean to sacrifice them? Without an apologist over my shoulder telling me what to think, I am starting to think that this is indeed what God wants. Pretty scary!

In Chapter 14, I guess God isn't finished with his wily ways. He AGAIN hardens the Pharoah's heart so that the Pharoah will follow the Israelites. If I were an Israelite and I knew that the Almighty was doing this, I'd be a little bit pissed off. "Let's just go already," I would yell at the sky.

"Stupid unpatient American," sayeth the Lord. "Don't you want to be part of an awesome story?"

The Pharoah, who was more likely pissed that his son had died (if this story is even true), mustered 600 chariots and took off after the Israelites.

When they the Egyptians closed in, God created a cool fog of darkness (sounds like a spell from World of Warcraft), and the Egyptians couldn't find the Israelites while inside the cloud.

Then Moses held his rod over the Red Sea and the waters parted, and the Israelites started their trek to the other side. Finally, after a healthy head start, God lifts the fog of darkness (which is cool) and the Egyptians chase after the Israelites, and the rest I think everyone knows.

You know what? Fuck the Egyptians. They deserved it. Anyone who is stupid enough to fight against people who have an all-powerful, psychotic, blood-crazed deity on their side deserves to die.

Wait. Doesn't EVERYONE think they have that deity on their side? That could be a problem.

Wow, I've been getting pretty busy lately so I'm going to limit my readings until everything smooths out again.

I think I'm going to focus more on some problems, especially with the last plague - the killing of the firstborn.

"The firstborn of the Pharoah to the firstborn of the slave woman at the mill, and the firstborn of all the livestock," to be exact.

Come on, man. Who the hell would kill off kids because one dude is an @$$hole? Most of the kids aren't even his kids. And the livestock??? A few plagues ago all the livestock were dead, and now this plague is acting like there's still a few firstborns out there.

But more interesting, God has the Israelites perform some sort of witchcraft ritual to make sure that THEIR kids are fine. The Creator of the Universe tells Moses that the Israelites must slaughter an animal without blemish at twilight; and it must be a one-year-old male goat or sheep.

Did you catch that? In the Bible, "Without blemish" equals "young male". It's kind of subliminal, but we see Yahweh's sexism. It's no secret that women are viewed as being, for a lack of a better word, filthy, in the Bible. For some reason, males are seen as clean.

And what does age have to do with animal's cleanliness? Animals are not moral agents. We don't hold them to the same standard as we do other humans, at least. Humans start doing bad things before they are 10, but animals will never be expected to uphold our laws. We give lions leeway when they kill another animal. Sharks, too. While we might kill animals that kill humans, we don't kill the animal because it's being immoral; we kill it because it is dangerous.

After each household slaughters a young goat or sheep, the Israelites have to paint its blood around the door of the house, and then roast and eat the entire thing - heads, bones, entrails, everything. Even the Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Oddly enough, God even has special instructions on "how" to eat the animal. They have to wear a special outfit. The Israelites must eat the animal wearing a belt around his waste, sandals on his feet, and a staff in his hand.

So, like a smart bomb God swoops down into Egypt and kills out a very select group of people. Except, rather than kill the leaders or a group of bad guys hunkered down in a bunker, God kills specifically the first-born, kids and otherwise innocent people. Even the criminal who was a first-born, but was in prison at the time died. Ironically, he was innocent!

I wonder what would've happened if God just killed the leaders of Egypt?

Anyways, the plan had its intended effect, to persuade the Pharoah into letting the Israelites go.

God teaches Moses magic tricks

Day 15 - Moses starts off Chapter 4 by teaching Moses a series of magic tricks: 1) turning a staff into a snake, 2) the leprous hand healing trick, and 3) turning water into blood.

What an odd collection of tricks to exhibit, especially when the desired outcome is to free an entire culture from slavery. Moses was still a little nervous, even with these handy dandy magic tricks up his sleeve. "Um, God. I'm not a very good speaker also."

God admits something very odd in response. "Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?"

Does this mean that God makes retarded people on purpose? Yes! Apparently. I always thought that, theologically speaking, Down's Syndrome and other birth defects were derived from the Original Sin. But in Exodus 4:11 God's saying that He makes them dumb. Well, that answers a lot of questions! Except for, "Why?"

Well anyways, God arranges to have Moses's well-spoken brother Aaron speak on behalf of him.

Amazingly, God tells Moses that after the magic tricks, He (God) will harden the heart of the Pharoah so that he will still not free the Israelites. This hardening of the heart eventually leads to the slaughter of first-born sons, and eventually the plagues, locusts, etc. Personally, I think the big Y.H.W.H. just wants to use his omnipotence on the Egyptians. Y'know? Just for the hell of it! I would.

I think it's a horrible thing, but that's because I'm speaking from a human perspective. But from an all-knowing and all-powerful standpoint, it would be kind of like burning ants with a magnifying class, except on a much vaster scale. Yes, I was one of those boys who did that. That's why there's no doubt that the God of the Bible is definitely an immature man - maybe even a boy! An all-knowing, all-powerful pre-pubescent male.

Putting foreskin on Moses' feet

Before Moses reaches Egypt, God ruffles Moses up a little. He actually tries to kill Moses because his son hasn't been circumcised yet! Perhaps at the last moment, Moses' wife slices the offending extra skin off and throws it at Moses's feet, and the all-powerful Lord of the Universe stops trying to kill Moses. In the words of instant messagers and bloggers around the world: WTF!!!

I guess it's a good idea to have a foreskin handy next time God attacks you!

First visit to the Big P

The Big P is the Pharoah, in case you were wondering. Chapter 5 is about Moses, Aaron, and God's first meeting with the king of Egypt. It didn't work out too well. Actually, I think it pissed the Pharoah off.

The Pharoah ordered that no more straw be given to the Israelites to help them in their brickmaking, but they still had the same quota of bricks to make. Yea, the Pharoah is a complete asshole. The Israelites inability to produce gets them in trouble and they are treated even worse. So, the Israelites blame Moses and then Moses complains to God.

God says, "Hey Moses, this is all part of the plan. Now you're going to see what I can do, bub."

The Second Visit

After Moses whines to God, God reveals His "other name" to Moses - Jehovah. Big whoop. Moses is asking why God doesn't do anything, and the best God can do is tell Moses another one of his multiple names?

God reassures Moses that this is all part of His divine plan. Moses again approaches the pharoah. Remember when he complained to God about being a bad speaker? Well, he complains again, saying, "how then shall Pharaoh hear me, who am of uncircumcised lips?"

Uncircumcised lips? Wow, that's kind of a strange thing to blurt out. Moses really does have a problem; it's called Tourette's.

After another long and boring bloodline, Moses finally visits the Pharoah and sparks a very odd (and ridiculous) magical show. Moses and Aaron throw down their rods, and the Pharoah brings his magicians into the fray. The Pharoah's magicians were able to replicate the serpentine rod experiment, but their serpents were eaten by Moses's. Next, Moses and Aaron place their staffs into the Nile, and it turns to blood and stinks up the place.

What's funny is that the magicians do the same thing, making the river even worse!

Then Moses, with the help of God, create an invasion of frogs. And of course, the magicians do so too! Stupid magicians.

The magicians fail with the next magic trick - LICE! Yep, Moses and Aaron create lice all throughout the land, but the magicians couldn't pull that one off. It was impressive they were able to do the other stuff, though, I'll give them that.

Then, Moses, Aaron, and God send a swarm of FLIES! Holy crap! But that didn't work, so Team Jehovah kill off all of Egypt's cows! Nope. Didn't work. The Pharoah won't budge.

Team Jehovah launches another divine attack, this time with boils on the skin of Egyptians. But still, the Pharoah would not budge. This is one tough Pharoah, mind you. Another attack by Moses and Aaron and God - HAIL AND FIRE to destroy Egypt's crops!

But still, the Pharoah would not budge. He would not free the Israelites. In retaliation, God (and Moses and Aaron) send locusts to eat the crops even more. No dice.

God and company do another plague - DARKNESS!!! The land was dark for three days (except for wherever an Israelite happened to stay. But still the Pharoah wouldn't change his stance.

It takes one final plague to change the Pharoah's mind long enough to free the Israelites. God sends out an angel to slaughter the firstborn of Egypt. After experiencing the death of his son, the Pharoah finally lets them go.

It's a breath of fresh air to finally hit up a new book. Exodus is differs from Genesis because while it may very well be mythical, it is no longer trying to explain the origins of man (thankfully). I can safely say that Genesis fails miserably at that. And there was only one character who I rooted for: Joseph.

A Jewish population explosion

For some reason, the authors of Exodus still come off as being prone to exaggeration. Joseph has about 70 offspring or family members (it was unclear what was meant), and then just a few hundred years, the Israelite population jumps up to MILLIONS. The new pharoah, who never heard of Joseph, began to worry about the Israelite threat, and decides that the best thing to do is to enslave them all.

But even in captivity, the Israelites bred and multiplied like rabbits. In response, the pharoah takes on a new tactic: post-birth abortion, aka infanticide. He orders that all newborn boys be killed. The midwives have trouble stomaching this, and refuse to do it. Their explanation to the pharoah is that the Israelite women were to quick and wound up giving birth before the midwives can get to them. God liked that explanation apparently, and rewards the midwives for their lie.

The pharoah, however, ups the ante and asks that all Israelite male children be thrown into the river. That's got to have a crappy effect on the water supply, but something tells me that no one followed this rule.

The Birth of Moses

The story of Moses's birth is very similar to the legends surrounding the ancient king Sargon of Akkadia, who predates Moses. Sargon reigned in 2270 BCE. In contrast, Moses was supposedly born in 1320 BCE; almost 900 years later. The existence of Moses is also questionable, and he is most likely a legendary or even mythological figure - as there really is no archaeological data to show he existed.

Anyhow, Moses was born in secret and his mother put him in a reed basket and was later found by Egyptian royalty. Similarly, Sargon was born of a woman of lower classes, placed in a river in a reed basket, and he was later found by Akkadian royalty. Both Moses and Sargon were eventually accepted by the royal family. The similarity ends there, because Sargon went on to be emperor of Akkadia and Moses went on to be the man who freed the Israelites from captivity.

Moses commits murder, exiles himself

Now an adult, Moses is the only Hebrew who isn't a slave. One day, he sees one of the slave drivers excessively beating a Hebrew, and Moses gets angry and kills the Egyptian. While Moses thought he had done it secretly, someone had apparently noticed. The Pharoah gets wind of it, Moses escapes, and flees to land of the Midianites, where he marries a Midianite and stays there until the Pharoah dies. During his stay with the Midianites, Moses's wife bears a son named Gershom.

The Israelite people were crying out to God to get them out of slavery, and the Almighty Creator of the Universe suddenly remembered his promise to Abraham, Jacob and Isaac.

The Burning Bush

Okay, now I'm confused. In Chapter 2, his father-in-law's name was Reuel. But in Chapter 3, it opens up by saying his name is Jethro. Later on in Judges and Numbers, his father-in-law's name changes to Hobab. In any case, Moses was watching his father-in-law's flock of sheep when he saw a burning bush. This wasn't any old burning bush, as the fire was not consuming the plant. As Moses got closer to investigate the strange sight, the voice of God emanated from the bush, "Before you get closer, take of your shoes. 'Cause this is holy ground."

The all-knowing Creator of the Universe explained to Moses that he heard the cries of the Israelite slaves and saw how they were being treated, and He now has a mission for Moses. To paraphrase into modern English, "Go to Egypt and bring my people out of there. I got your back."

Moses asks an interesting question to God. "Um, when I tell the Israelites that their God has sent me, and they ask what your name is, what do I tell them?"

"I AM THAT I AM," is My name, says God. Later on in Exodus, He says His name is Jealous, and still later in Exodus; Jehovah. God's got a lot of names; I AM, Jehovah, Yahweh, God, Lord, El, El Elyon, El Shaddai, etc. I wish I could do that. Sometimes I wish my name was a cool manly name like Brock, or Chuck.

The rest of Chapter 3 is God bragging about how cool He is, and how He's going to smite the Egyptians with His wonders, and how the people will follow Moses because he's buddies with the Almighty, and that the Israelites will leave Egypt with great riches because the women will basically steal from their masters when they leave. God's such a jock.

Man, Genesis is long. I've read an average of three chapters a day, and I have about eight left. I've also been focusing on videos too, if you haven't noticed. Anyways, I'm going to finish Genesis right here (good riddance).

One thing that really pisses me off about Genesis is how stupid everyone is. Last we left off, Joseph was made second-in-command by the Egyptian Pharoah because of his accurate predictions. During the seven good years, the Egyptians stored corn; and during the seven bad years, they lived off the corn they stored and sold it to neighboring countries (Genesis says ALL nations, but I doubt that's true).

Joseph tricks his brothers

Well, one day Joseph's own brothers came to Egypt to buy some corn. These are the same guys who left Joseph to die in a well. Joseph recognized them, but none of them recognized him. See? That's what I mean about how stupid the characters are in Genesis.

Joseph approached his brothers and, speaking through an interpreter, accused them of being spies. He took as prisoner one of the brothers, and sent the rest back to retrieve the youngest son. I guess he made a deal that if they went back to Canaan and brought their youngest son, he would drop the charges of them being spies.

When the brothers got home, they found that each of their sacks had extra money. Actually, there's a contradiction because Genesis 42:29-35 says they found the money at home in Canaan; and 42:27 and 42:31 say they found the money in the inn back in Egypt.

Eventually, after they ran out of supplies, the brothers went back to Egypt and brought their youngest brother along, and brought twice the money to repay for what they guessed was an oversight on the Egyptians (the money they found in the sacks).

And STILL the brothers don't recognize Joseph! Maybe Egyptians wore a lot of makeup? Was he a Bronze Age emo kid? Even then, I'd think I'd recognize my brother.



Joseph reveals himself to his brothers

Yes, he is an emo kid! He couldn't take it anymore and breaks down crying. "It's me guys. It's your brother Joseph. Remember me? The guy you tried to kill way back when?"

Understandably, the brothers were a bit disturbed by this news. I would be too, if I were them. He told his brothers not to worry about that whole murder-your-brother episode. It was God who sent him away; not them. I'll remember this line next time I murder someone.

He sends his brothers back with a bunch of gifts and money, and asks that they all return, with their father (who is now called Israel finally).

Jacob's reunion with Joseph

The disbelieving Jacob (aka Israel) makes the trek to Egypt and sees his longlost son. "Now I can die," he tells him. "Now that I know you're alive."

Before that happens Jacob even meets the pharoah, who is amazed at Jacob's age (130 years). Joseph's family settles in Egypt, and they wind up dying there.

Check this out

Guess what? I entered another video contest! And the rules are the same. They're asking for the most ratings and comments just to get into the final category. Please view (it's only 30 seconds), rate, and comment. If I'm able to make the final category, then I'll be judged by regular judges. The theme is an "Awkward Ringtone Moment". The link is at the bottom.

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Background: Atlantic Ocean, 1944. A U.S. submarine is being tracked by German destroyers. A command echoes through the loudspeakers, "Rig for silent running."

Tech Savvy Seaman Recruit Andrews, fresh out of boot camp, doesn't know why the submarine and its crew must be silent. Petty Officer Perry is his supervisor, tasked with teaching Andrews the ropes of submarine life.

Who would've thought that the young sailor was so far ahead of his time?Yes, it's historically inaccurate.

Yes, that's the same person (me), with and without a beard. Yes, those are gameplay shots of Silent Hunter 4. This is a submission for a the Awkward Ringtone Moments contest. Please rate and comment!

Click here to view video

Slightly off subject, but I didn't realize it when I entered the contest, but apparently the most votes and comments I get, the more likely it is that I will win. So I am recruiting you.

Please review this short 30 second clip on YouTube and vote honestly, or critique it. I accept 5 stars, but if you don't like it, I'll take 4. ; )

Click here

Joseph gets thrown in jail because of a eunuch's wife

I think I wrote before that the Pharoah's wife was digging on Joseph. Whoops, it's actually the wife of a EUNUCH! I never knew eunuch's had wives!
Joseph was sold to Potiphar, a general of the Egyptian army (and a eunuch), and Potiphar thought Joseph was the bomb. He made Joseph the head slave of his house.

Well, one day while Potiphar was out, his wife started making passes at Joseph, but good Joseph rejected her. One day she grabbed his garment (he was probably just wearing some sort of tunic or something, but he took off (his tunic fell off), and she pretty much cried, "Rape!"

Poor Joseph was thrown in jail because of this.

Women can be such bitches sometimes.

Joseph interprets two dreams

One interesting this is that the head honcho at the jail liked Joseph, and made him responsible for all the new prisoners.

One night, two new prisoners, a baker and a cup-bearer (the latter's job is probably the crappiest job I've ever heard of), had a dream. For clarification, a Cup-Bearer is basically a butler. The next day, Joseph noticed they had long faces, and they tell Joe it's because they don't have an interpreter. Joe tells them, "Hey, I've got the Almighty Creator of the Universe on my side, who is all-powerful and all-knowing, I could probably interpret those dreams for ya."

After hearing their dreams, Joseph say, "Oh, that's easy. Mr. Butler, in three days the Pharoah will let you be cup-bearer again and you will live. Remember to tell the Pharoah about me. Hook me up. But you, Mr. Baker; you gonna die."

Sure enough, in three days the Pharoah holds a banquet and the Cup-Bearer gets his job back (yippee?) and the baker is hung on a tree and birds eat his flesh.

This is an interesting story, and I hate it when you help people out and they don't give you credit. So far, Joseph is the first main character that I'm actually cheering for. I hope something bad happens to the Butler.

The Pharoah's Dream

One night the pharoah has a dream, and it troubles him so much that he summons all the magicians and wise men in Egypt. Unfortunately, none of them can interpret it. Finally, the butler remembers the Hebrew guy that interpreted his dream, and he tells the pharoah. The pharoah summons Joseph, and Joseph interprets his dream.

I always wonder about people that claim to have the ability to make predictions. A lot of them say God told them, and other say it is inherent. I've heard some very interesting "psychic" statements and predictions from a few people, and I have no idea how they do it. For instance, an ex fling of mine said that I have an ex who works at a Macy's at a nearby mall. And she was right! But this girl had no connection to anyone that knows the girl I used to go out with. Then again ... what a useless prediction that was!

Joseph's predictions are at least useful. His interpretation of the Pharoah's dream was that Egypt would have seven years of prosperity; followed by seven years of abject famine. He said that Egypt needs to raise its taxes and build up its reserves to live through the seven years of famine.

The Pharoah is impressed by this and makes Joseph the second-in-command of Egypt. The next seven years are great, and the Egyptians store food for the upcoming famine. Then the famine comes, except the Bible says it's not regional; IT'S GLOBAL! God created a famine over the face of all the Earth, just so Joseph can get rich!

It even says all the nations of the world came to Egypt to buy corn. All of them? Even the Mayans? The Australian aborigines? Of course not. The ancient Hebrews who wrote this knew of no such cultures. They thought the entire Earth was relatively small compared to what we know today.

Brothers attempt murder against their brother

Jacob's favorite son was Joseph, and MAN did he show it. He actually made Joseph a coat with many colors. Jacob's favor was so obvious to his other sons, that they actually got jealous. But for some reason, they hated Joseph. I have to say they are misdirecting their anger; they should be angry at their father, not their brother.

Anyways, the brothers conspire to kill Joseph. They ambush him, take his multi-colored coat, and then throw him into a well to starve and die. The brothers then slaughter one of Joseph's goats and rub the jacket in the blood. They return to pops with the bloody and ripped-up coat, and Jacob naturally feels really, really bad.

Sold into slavery

But Joseph isn't dead yet. Soon, a group of Midianites happen by and find him in the well. They take him out and basically enslave him. He is then sold to the Egyptians, but it is unclear as to how he got to Egypt, because this chapter has two conflicting accounts. Genesis 37:28 says that the Midianites sell Joseph to Ishmaelites for 20 shekels, and then the Ishmaelites sell him to the Egyptians. But Genesis 37:36 says that the Midianites take Joseph to Egypt and sell him to the Egyptians.

A story of in-law incest, wasted semen and godly slaughter

Okay, ready for a crazy story of in-law incest, semen wasting, and wanton murder by the God Himself?

Judah is one of Jacob's kids, and one of the co-conspirators of Joseph's ambush. It was actually Judah's idea to throw Joseph in a well, rather than butcher the guy. So from that deduce that he was a somewhat reasonable guy, despite throwing his brother into a well with the intent to kill him.

Anyways, Judah sees a Canaanite chick and maybe marries her. Not sure. One thing is for sure, they have sex. And she gives birth to three sons (ofcourse); named Er, Onan, and Shelah. Judah eventually (there's no sense of time passing, but I'm guessing a decade later ...) find Er a wife named Tamar. For some
reason, the Creator of the Universe doesn't like Er, and He kills him, leaving Tamar as a widow.

Judah tells Onan to have sex with Tamar, as he is the brother-in-law. Yea, that doesn't right. God kills Tamar's husband for no reason (it says that God found Er to be wicked), and now her husband's brother has to have sex with her??? Doesn't she have a say in this?

So Onan has sex with her, but feels awkward because he knows the offspring will not be considered his. He pulls out and jizzes on the ground. If I were Onan, I would simply feel guilty for having sex with my brother's wife; Onan feels awkward because the offspring would technically be his dead brother's; not his. At the very least, he doesn't have his priorities straight.

God disapproves of Onan's wanton semen-spilling, and so the Almighty and Omniscient One kills Onan. Judah then tells Tamar to hang out around the house until the youngest son (Shelah) grows up. During her stay, Judah's wife dies and he goes to hang out with some friends to be comforted. While he's gone, Tamar takes off her widow garments (widows had special clothes?) and puts on a veil, and sits out in an open place.

When Judah comes back, he sees her but doesn't know that she is his daughter-in-law. "Hey, can I come inside you?" he asks. Very romantic, isn't he? He kind of reminds me of Russel Crowe's character in A Beautiful Mind. To be fair, Judah thought she was a whore. For payment, he gives Tamar his staff, bracelets, and a signet.

Judah later finds out that it was Tamar who was acting like a whore, and Judah comes to logical conclusion during this time period: "Let's burn her!"

But she brings out the staff, bracelets, and a signet, and says to Judah, "Hey, I'm pregnant with YOUR kid, buddy."

This has an effect on the Bronze Age male, and he lets her go. She later gives birth to twins, one of whom, Pharez, is the ancestor of Jesus himself!

Next time I'll talk about how the Egyptian Pharoah's wife begins to dig Joseph.